HAMILTON, NY—As the first semester draws to a close at Colgate University, many students are beginning to grow tired of the typical Saturday night sweat-fest at DU or banal blackouts at the Jug. In response to growing frustrations at the seemingly routine drunken nights, the Rag sent an undercover team to a new party-hot spot: the amish community.

Upon arriving at the Amish compound, our team was pleasantly surprised to see thicc kegs with mysterious contents and the absence of the Colgate “X,” a favorite move of our beloved frat boys that stand guard at the door swagged out in their nike elites. As the night progressed, the compound members got progressively rowdier, chanting old german drinking songs and enthusiastically executing a bangin’ attempt at the Can Can.

The crowd’s sense of tradition as well as their famous moonshine recipe was a hit with the team, giving students a better blackout than the Jug ever has. “The energy was UNREAL. And those farm boys? God DAYUM. They have better arms than any DU football boy I’ve ever seen. I’d be a ho in their field any day,” gushed junior Ginny Tonic. The compound also excelled in their partying attire, with their whole crew smartly dressed in vintage suits and dresses with hipster-esque beards (a total catch). The attire brought an air of class and sophistication to the party while students shotgunned in the horse stalls, an atmosphere that is typically lacking in the frat basements choked with boys wearing identical Lebron James jerseys. “The dress code of the amish parties is baller. For once, I knew for a fact that I looked like the sluttiest girl at the rager. Big ego boost honestly,” senior Tiffany Hilton bragged.

As the night wore on, participants praised the unique music and the appearance of various horses wandering around the field in which the rager was hosted. “You have no idea how glad I am to not hear the same remix of Mo Bamba for the five hundredth time. This new acoustic cover is BANGIN! It’s so much easier to drop it low to,” junior James Smith said. His friend Tina Clark agreed, adding “This music? Lit. And who doesn’t want to play with a horse after downing a tub of moonshine? Lit. And the scenery? I feel so in touch with nature, more so than when I’m passed out in the village green post Jug night.” Our team left around 4am as the rooster began to crow, and were sent home in a VIP horse and buggy in true amish style . “The amish know where it’s at. 10/10 would recommend, they’re the littest frat in town,” said sophomore Dan Harvey before passing out on the steps of Andrews.

HAMILTON, NY — The hero stood for what is right and tried to save people. No, I am not talking about John Jug. Our savior rose from the cult (though not as cult-y this year) of Gate House. Rumors abound as to the identity of the hero. Most, however, agree that is actually a heroine. While the identity is currently unknown, the story of her heroism has spread through entirety of the campus.

“So, like, I was fucking there. I saw it all. She is such a badass. I mean, like, I wasn’t there there, but I live in Gate House. I mean, lived. Okay, man, it fucking counts. Anyway, I’ve heard the story like a shit ton of times so I know what happened. Okay, so like, the fire alarm starts going off at Gate House and everybody is, like, fucking panicking. But not her. No. You see, she was just getting back to her dorm from, like, class or some shit, when she realizes she’d forgotten her key. Before she’d left that morning, she’d set up a ‘pong table to hone her skills after class. And, like, she was going to play against herself. And, like, bitch cup was a goddamn cup full of vodka. This girl went hard. So, like, she realizes she doesn’t have her key and then remembers of the game she’d setup. She knows she can’t let goddamn campo see that shit. So, she gets this look and—holy shit man. She fucking bullrushes the door. Just like, lowers her shoulder and boom. She does this, like, seven times. Then she starts fucking punching the door. Like, jab, jab, jab, uppercut, body shot, jab, jab, until she makes a hole. Then she sticks her hand through it and opens her door. It was so badass,” Walton “Seventh Year” Logans, class of 2013, said.

As the story spreads through campus, the myth becomes grander and grander.

“I heard that this chick, like, fucking busted down her door with a high heel. She, like, put her hair in a ponytail, grabbed the high heel, and started wailing on that bigass door. It was so cute,” a sexist but well-meaning (I mean, kinda) admirer, Bradley “Rad Brad” Whiteashell, class of 2021, said.

Despite schoolwide clamoring for the heroine to be presented some plaque or commemoration, President Casey has so far refused.

“Guys, she broke down a door. While, yeah, it was badass, I just can’t give an award for that. I just can’t,” Casey said.

In spite of Casey’s failure to acknowledge just how badass the unknown heroine was, campo officers have offered her their unquantified respect.