Hamilton, NY — President Casey, against the best wishes of the Board of Trustees, has introduced a proposal for a new NCAA Division 1 team dubbed  “Gänseteilung,” or “Geese Division.” Complete with a detailed scholarship proposal, its primary objective will be to thin out the herds (flocks? Who cares) of geese on campus by employing a sharpshooter squadron, the members of which will be recruited from private schools across the country. The students of interest will be taken from the list found on page 36 of Gallup’s monthly report on which schools are most likely to produce the next shocking wave of sexual misconduct allegations.

Casey, when asked to comment on his uncharacteristically bold move, said: “Look, geese are nice to see every now and then, flying across a clear blue sky in a V or waddling across a road with their cute offspring trailing them– wait a second, excuse me?  That’s ducks? Well, that just further supports my point that the practical drawbacks of having all these fucking geese around far outweigh their occasional aesthetic benefits.” #BringBackAdamAndSteve

Casey further went on to claim that this new sport will offer students a means of blowing off steam before and following big exams, thus providing an overall boost to student-athlete morale (which has been on the rocks lately, following the Men’s Swim & Dive team’s suspension for not being able to hang– I mean, hazing).  

PETA has issued an ultimatum to the Board of Trustees, ordering them to either stop Casey’s “diabolical plot” or face the grim consequences of operating without PETA’s annual funding (which as of 2017 came out to a 5-pound bag of quinoa, a reverse flea collar that actually gave President Casey’s dog fleas because “flea lives matter,” and a crate filled with some bullshit called “Tofurky” that was graciously – and unanimously – donated to the Hamilton Food Cupboard, where it has sat for 8 months without rotting because it’s not even fucking real).  

When approached for comments, the Men’s and Women’s Club Ultimate teams (who have had to share the field below the Office of Admissions with the majority of the on-campus geese population for years) gave their unequivocal support for President Casey’s initiative.  “Good riddance,” scoffed Men’s Co-Captain Payton Baker. “What, do you think we like picking geese shit out of our cleats all the time? If Frisbees could kill geese, after every practice we’d dedicate 15 minutes to sniping those arrogant, slender-necked sons of bitches.”

We reached out to the head of the Facilities Department to get their take on the issue, as they would undoubtedly be tasked with cleaning up dozens of goose carcasses on a regular basis should the proposal succeed.  Unfortunately, they declined to comment, stating they “wanted to keep [their] employees’ livelihoods free of politics, thus continuing to perpetuate the one-dimensional working-man cliché.”

Hamilton, NY — Last week, Colgate’s Board of Trustees met for one of their three annual meetings. The Board includes parents of students, alumni, and the university president. As the governing body of the university, their goal is to provide wisdom and guidance for the school; their first report included information about the two new residences halls, future plans for the bicentennial, and a measure to decrease the width of walls so that students can hear everything that happens inside each room.

“By Fall 2020, every room in this school will have the soundproof capacity of a piece of cardboard,” explains board chair James P. Blackwell ’89. Mr. Blackwell is the founder and CEO of Capital Funds, a private equity firm. “Back when I went to Colgate, the walls were pretty thin. You could hear a muffled conversation in the hall and music from the room next to you if they were playing it pretty loudly. Occasionally, you could hear some nighttime activities. But we plan to decrease the wall width so that students feel more connected.”

The board explains that creating thinner walls will foster a community environment where students feel as if they can connect more. By hearing everything that goes on in someone’s room, students will get to know one another better. The decision came from complaints by students who felt isolated from their peers. Phone calls, parties, and intimate time between students will give them a chance to connected on a deeper level.

Current junior Jake Addams says, “I am so glad that I will be graduated by then. The walls are pretty thin everywhere. I can’t imagine what they’ll be like when they purposely try and decrease their size.” Once completed, the Board of Trustees plans to send out surveys to students in order to assess if they feel more connected with their classmates.

Mr. Blackwell remains hopeful that this measure will create a stronger Colgate community. “You haven’t had a true college experience if you don’t know everything that goes in in your dorm!”

HAMILTON, NY — Career services was left reeling this Friday when a student allegedly told one of the office’s counselors during a resume certification that she was ‘actually considering doing something with cultural anthropology, like working with a museum.’

“I was taken aback.” said Career Counselor Taylor Misham. “I asked her if she meant she wanted to do nonprofit or government work and she just sort of laughed and told me that she really wanted to go into a non-finance field. It was – horrifying. I just asked her if she was being serious.”

This shocking news comes days after the announcement of Career Services’ new resume writing pamphlet, which offers three pages of advice on specialized resumes for finance and tech majors, with the remainder of space between its ‘technology keywords’ and ‘NGO tips’ aimed at informing humanities majors of good sites to dumpster dive in New York City and which east coast cities offer the best homeless shelters.

Career Services is expected to add two of the newly-hired Campus Safety officers for permanent residence within their offices, where they will aggressively beat anyone who say the words “art” or “literature” within a 5ft radius of Benton Hall, except in the case of loudly laughing at everyone who has ever set foot within Little, Lawrence, or Lathrop, which Career Services refer to as the ‘Loser Halls’ in internal communications.

The student in question has denied comment and is expected to return to living within her parent’s basement upon graduation.