HAMILTON, NY — Tragedy hit the Colgate community when news that the tyrannical Dean McLoughlin struck with his iron fist again, cancelling all of the weekday parties. Spring Party Weekend once held the shining promise of a fun week, where the only stress is worrying about if you’ll blackout on the first night (it’s a marathon not a sprint), wondering what kind of flesh eating disease you might get this year from jumping into Taylor Lake, or concerns about which poor farmer the DU meatheads robbed to authentically decorate their house with hay for hoedown. Now, students will have to delay this one sacred week of happiness, having to cram a full seven days and seven nights of partying into one weekend instead.

Heartbroken, but trying to remain resilient in the face of such coldhearted evil, the Rag took it upon themselves to try to return SPW to its former glory. We got special permission from our good friend President Casey to have our party at his house. Emrys of course, the biggest McLoughlin hater of all, will be in attendance. The theme of the party will be “Anti-Dean McLoughlin Protest.” Students should feel free to bring their favorite “McLoughlin did Harambe” t-shirts and should get as creative as possible with their picket signs. The classic “Pray for Colgate” is never overdone, but students are encouraged to take more creative routes with their signs. Rude acrostic poems and/or caricatures would never be frowned upon. Other than your classic protest gear, students should wear things that embody “fun” to the highest extent possible. Dean McLoughlin hates fun; there is speculation that he is even allergic to it. Whenever he hears the words “Tach Fraturday” he starts profusely sweating, and he breaks out in hives if someone even mentions the word “jello.”

Upstanding citizens that we are, the Rag has made arrangements to strictly follow McLoughlin’s social hosting policy requirements. To those who thought that we would attempt to flout the demands of this authoritarian social hosting policy, think again. There is nothing that we here at The Monthly Rag value more than lame parties, respect for authority, and blindly accepting the ridiculous actions of the Colgate Administration. Our hired bartender, responsible for ensuring that only guests over 21 are allowed to drink in a designated area at a rate of one drink per hour to ensure maximum safety, is none other than McLoughlin’s own husband, Jason. The ever-vigilant Campo has agreed to work as our security team, gatecarding students at the door and at various times throughout the party. Surprise attack style, campo might ambush students while getting a drink, going to the bathroom, flirting with that kid from their Legacies class, or in the middle of their heated arguments about who is the biggest Colgate hero we don’t deserve: Cathy from the Coop or Chef Lateef. Any students that do not comply immediately with these unannounced gatecard checks will be forcibly removed from the premises of the protest party.

We hope that all members of the Colgate student body will be in attendance, and fully expect it to be the best party of the year. If you also have an idea for a “dope” party and want to register it, just type in “Colgate University register a party” in your browser and click on the first link that comes up.

The link is as follows: http://www.colgate.edu/ offices-and-services/deanofthecollege/social-hosting. Dean McLoughlin loves going through party proposals in his spare time, so feel free to register as many as you possibly can!

HAMILTON, NY — After months of poor performance ratings in the polls, Dean Paul J. McLoughlin of Colgate University has reached his lowest ratings yet. Just under 1% of Colgate students said that they approved or somewhat approved of the Dean’s recent actions. is descent actually exceeds the speed of President Trump’s fall from favor after taking office, which was previously thought to have been an unmatchable decline. Here, we break down the various causes of Dean McLoughlin’s plummet in the polls.

McLoughlin started off the year strong, with a good endorsement from beloved President Casey. He made some great speeches about listening to the students and all the classic new-administrator cliches, and it seemed like the students were willing to trust him. For the first few weeks of school, his approval ratings remained in the mid-80s, which is actually where President Putin of Russia tends to hover. Perhaps this should have been a sign of his future as a fascist leader.

The first large hit to his approval ratings came immediately after the weekend of the infamous Tail’Gate, hosted by the Dean himself. In an effort to draw students away from the grand tradition of Fraturday and make the school care about sports, the Dean abused his authority and cancelled all parties scheduled Saturday afternoon. He declared that students would be allowed to bring alcohol to the game, but in such a regulated way that it could never hope to replicate the tailgates of the SEC schools. After a weekend of sad, off-campus fraturdays, his approval sunk to barely 50%.

Later in the fall, McLoughlin signalled that he was ready to start making bigger changes on campus, specifically in the social realm. Apparently, Colgate’s lax (read: fun) enforcement of social hosting policies did not match his dictatorial style. At a forum for his proposed new rules, he spoke passionately about hiring outside security, banning lengthy parties, and carefully monitoring the alcohol consumption of every party attendee. Despite students ardent pleas against these proposals, he continued onward with his draconian ideas, leaving his approval rating hovering in the 30s.

The final blow came at the beginning of second semester. All winter break, students had been fantasizing about finally being able to return to Tach parties after their probation was lifted. Most students thought the probation was unjust in the first place, so everyone was more than ready to get back to grade-A raging. However, McLoughlin seemed to think that they had not done their penance, and arbitrarily extended their punishment, which plunged him to his current approval rating. Despite the fact that the probation has since been lifted, Colgate students will struggle to trust the Dean ever again.