HAMILTON, NY—With the incoming class of 2021 representing an astounding forty-nine states, 128 countries, and more than two tax brackets, the Office of Admission has had to match the outstandingly diverse First-Years by expanding their hip cool-kid lingo. The usual questions of “Which firm does your dad work for?” and “What’re you pledging?” gave way to the new: “How did you get to school without a driver to take you?” and “What’s it like growing up with both of your parents working?” With the influx of those who couldn’t afford Colgate’s astounding $70,000 tuition with their pocket change, unique relationships are budding all over campus.

“I think it’s uh… I think it’s cool,” claimed the first white dude the Rag could find to interview, a reliable demographic. “Like, my roommate is from Mississippi, but he’s like… He didn’t know what a Juul was; he didn’t know about where I was from—Westchester represent — so like… I couldn’t understand him, but I guess he’s ok. He taught our Wilderness Adventure clique how to cook a hotdog. He knew how ‘cause he didn’t have a chef… which is chill I guess…” The roommate in question was unavailable for comment; he was apparently occupied with a six-page questionnaire supplied by admissions asking him about how to eat various Southern delicacies officers might be offered, such as barbeque sandwiches and fried chicken.

Apparently, different states warranted different treatment; a self-proclaimed South Dakotan remembers, “They doubted my state existed; like, they just forgot about South Dakota. I had to point it out on their map because they didn’t believe me when I showed them a picture on my phone. They thought it was photoshopped.” In fact, when offered a blank map of the United States, an unnamed Admissions staffer could only point out thirteen states, swathing the entire Gulf of Mexico and labelling it as “HOT SOUP AIR” while simultaneously encircling a space from Nebraska to Idaho and tagging it as “???”

“We’re improving,” explained another employee who scored a 27/50. “See? I got a 54%, and when accounting for Colgate’s grade deflation, that’s a solid C.”

To say the least, the increasing division between a small upper echelon that scoffed at the FAFSA (60% of the first-year class) and those that may or may not have sold some portion of their liver to attend Colgate has created an interesting dichotomy, one in which cultures and interests collide to create some sort of mish-mash of Vineyard Vine yacht-rats and everyone else who can’t afford a yacht. Colgate can always rely on the Office of Admission to create a welcoming environment for people of all backgrounds and cultures. With the positive trend in the grades of their elementary-school-esque coloring sheets of various countries proving more prevalent than ever, the Monthly Rag can conclude that the Office may eventually disqualify any applications coming from Wyoming, or what the various Admissions employees dub, “TRICK QUESTION.”

HAMILTON, NY—Colgate’s Board of Trustees is running into difficulty sweeping their latest problems under the rug. Pending lawsuits, allegations of racial discrimination, suspected violations from Campus Safety, and a broken grievance system have taken too much room for the Board to cover up much else.

In 2001, students began protesting having a building on campus named for a George Barton Cutten, a eugenicist who believed America’s melting pot was dangerous to the supremacy of the white race. Initially, the Board assembled a panel of professors and students to look into the matter. This panel considered adding Adam Clayton Powell Jr.’s name to the building to juxtapose a successful black Colgate alum with the white supremacist that once ruled over Colgate. However, in 2001, the University made room under the rug by changing the team mascot from the Red Raider, a racist depiction of an American Indian, to the Raider, a decidedly less racist depiction of a settler with some type of vitamin deficiency. With pride swelling from taking this commendably progressive step, there was now room under the rug to hide Cutten Hall for another few decades.

After only fifteen years, several sporadic protests, and the occupation of the Admissions building, the administration decided that it was time to get out ahead of this and resolved to vote to remove Cutten’s name from the most swastika-shaped building on campus. It only took them another year and another few scandals to brag about this glorious step in an email to the community. This may have cleared up some room for now, but at the rate that people are starting to notice the mountain under the cover, the Board either needs to start doing some cleaning, or buy a bigger rug.

HAMILTON, NY— In addition to the ongoing construction of residential halls and a new Career Services building, Colgate announced that it would be constructing a literal ivory tower for Professor Peter Balakian. “Really, it was a last-minute addition to our construction plans, but we were happy to build something special for the winner of the 2016 Pulitzer Prize for Poetry,” said institutional advancement chair Kevin Chong ’79, “We are always happy to accommodate requests from The Laureate.”

As to the tower, “It will be thirty feet tall and made of pure ivory siding, with a rich mahogany panel interior and a copper roof,” said chief architect Moshe Brickman. “We’ve spared no expense—no, seriously, do you know what we had to do to get all that ivory?”

Excitement and speculation abounded on campus when students learned that Colgate’s own winner of the 1986 Daniel Varujan Prize of the New England Poetry Club would be getting a new tower. “Who knows what lofty works The Laureate will be able to produce once he is properly empowered by the university? What deep thoughts will he think as he gazes at the stars?” asked Sara Weiss ’19.

Blueprints and receipts obtained by Rag reporters also showed that the tower will have a surround-sound stereo system, as well as a floor-to- ceiling bookcase containing all of Balakian’s published works. Duplicates of books would be included to fill the shelves so that the 2005 winner of the Raphael Lemkin Prize might give some books away to those worthy. By special request, The Laureate will also receive an ebony table and a tea set brought all the way from the oldest monastery in Tibet to facilitate small, enlightening conversations about literature. There will also be a seven-foot- tall window with no ledge outside should any student disturb The Laureate during his office hours and draw his ire.

HAMILTON, NY—A report by US News and World Report confirmed today what many people already suspected: all-in-all, Colgate just isn’t the nationally respected and important school it was a century ago. “Look, we all kind of thought this already but let’s face it: Colgate’s been coasting since about WWII,” said Dean Mark Thompson. “I mean seriously, look at any metric—sports, academics—we’re just not the school we used to be.” The report detailed how Colgate’s football team, while formidable within the Patriot League, used to regularly face down the likes of Penn State, Army, and Syracuse and win—feats considered impossible today, never mind the rise of such powerhouses as the SEC schools which would crush us as easily as they would a high school team.

The news was no better academically. The report stated that 100 years ago Colgate was one of the best schools in the country, comparable to the institutions that would form the Ivy League in 1954. However, the school now ties for 12th, and only among other small liberal arts colleges. “The fact that we’re not beating Vassar and Hamilton [in the rankings] is just fucking disgraceful,” said Dean Thompson. “Pretty soon those yokels out at Lehigh and Bucknell will get to thinking they can rival us academically and not just athletically.”

The depression continued on the social front, noting that Colgate was once home to 13 fraternities, but would probably lose (or kick out) the last few in the coming decade. The secret societies were actually secret, and not just puppets for the administration. It was a much cooler time.” Lastly, the report picked apart our dear sweet town of Hamilton, noting it was “nowhere near any cultural, political, or financial hub” and that its small town charm was “negated by a thoroughly depressing climate.” The report assailed Hamilton’s connectivity, stating that trains from Hamilton directly to New York City had been replaced by a torturous six hour bus ride through Binghamton.

Even though Colgate has fallen behind other schools in nearly every category, the report concluded it was still possible for Colgate students to succeed in the world by getting a job on Wall Street and getting filthy rich by fleecing clients on behalf of Goldman-Sachs.