HAMILTON, NY—With student enrollment dropping due to rising doubts over wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars for four years of binge drinking, the Colgate Administration has begun a new alternative facts campaign to improve Colgate’s image. Inspired by the genius of Kellyanne Conway, the Colgate administration hopes by focusing on what is not not true, they can make Colgate whatever they want it to be with zero effort or legitimate changes.

The administration is currently focusing on improving their reputations with students. Survey results were posted on Colgate’s website showing that 64% of students love the administration, and 36% of students think all administrators should be granted sainthood. “The less transparent they are, the more secure I feel,” says a totally real student, “The EGP process is flawless, their multicultural policies are poppin, and honestly I really just feel like they care about what I have to say.” When Rag reporters reached out to ask about how the survey was conducted, they were held in an undisclosed location for three weeks and returned with an ‘Administration is Life’ tattoo on their collarbones.

The success of the alternative facts campaign has been so great that it is now expanding into the Admissions Office. “Colgate is ranked number one in diversity across the nation,” stated an admissions representative, “I’m talking diversity ranging from every corner of Westchester county, from Bronxville all the way to Scarsdale.” While this alternative fact has been popularly cited as increasing enrollment numbers from diverse backgrounds, transfer applications have also spiked as students attempt to get away from “this white-washed, Vineyard Vines hell.” Admissions is currently reworking their definition of diversity to include varying shades of hair color, shoe size, and height, to achieve defining 100% of the student body as a multicultural student.

As the administration revels in the campaign’s success thus far, rumors have been going around that they will be adding a new course to the core curriculum next fall to better train students in the art of alternative facts and bullshitting. As it is looking more and more like the facts of academia are growing out of fashion, the administration hopes this move will better prepare students for life after graduation.

HAMILTON, NY—In an effort to seem cooler and more relatable to students, a group of Colgate professors have banded together to participate in this semester’s Dancefest. Professors will dance to two sets of loosely choreographed dances to the tune of a poorly mashed-up remix of outdated songs from the 1900s. The group, dubbing themselves “Homework Makes the Best Twerk,” hopes to bridge the divide between students and professors, or at least attempt to preserve the façade that professors care about student’s well-being outside of functioning as an academic means of production.

Initial reactions from students have been disastrous as HMBT made their debut appearance at rehearsals this past week. Rag reporters entered the scene to discover a hapless sophomore girl sobbing and shaking uncontrollably in a corner, having collapsed only moments after watching a professor attempt to do a split. By the end of the first set, half of the other dance groups were seen sprinting out of the Chapel to freedom and a place to vomit.

Dancefest leaders have seriously contemplated canceling the event this semester. Senior Carly Mithe shared, “I just don’t think we can risk exposing the student body to these atrocities— the Counseling Center couldn’t handle such an increase of visits. Of course we don’t want to cancel, but good God, man, is Dancefest worth this?” Incidents of sabotage have been reported in attempts break up HMBT, but the professors have taken it in stride and retaliated by forcing students in their classes participating in Dancefest to write a twenty-five page research paper on the history and evolution of dance since the Neolithic Age.

HAMILTON, NY— Colgate plans to launch a complete revamping of the Campus Safety and Residential Life department by slashing staff and combining them into a smaller office. Plans to construct a new building on the Field of Dreams are underway; sources have told us that the wild inconvenience of the location, as well as the advantage of greater access to smoking with students, is ideal. Complaints have been ongoing for years about the overall inefficacy and absolute moronic functioning of these departments. A ResLife staff member said, “We’ve figured out that the problem is that we’ve been coddling students far too much. For this merger, less really is more.” The new hours will be from 1-4 PM, Sundays through Tuesdays only. Students will have to fill out a seven-page application and complete a four-hour ropes course to receive a permit that allows them to contact to staff members. Violators without permits will immediately be relocated into a forced triple in Curtis.

As Colgate continues to rise in the ranks as a party school, efforts have been focused on the highest standard of safety encompassing every aspect of student life. The head of Campus Safety told a Rag reporter, “We’re working on placing a live-in Campo officer in every residential building, including some of the apartments. Why waste the space of a dingle, when you can stick Campo in a double with a student—it gives them a real sense of security, confidence. For the student, I mean.” Names for the new department are still up in the air, but some of the stronger suggestions have included “Big Brother Colgate” and “Gate Dick-tators.”

HAMILTON, NY—Due to declining enrollment number, President Brian Casey has been forced to privatize a number of student services. It was announced on Wednesday that all of Colgate’s student residential facilities would be sold to local real estate mogul Wayne. Wayne has previously been accused by the Department of Housing and Urban Development of being a slumlord, but when contacted by the Rag he refuted these allegations. “Tell me what’s better ventilation than a few holes in the wall and roof? Huh! Plus, the Iroquois ain’t had no plumbing and you ain’t hear them complaining!” Upon gaining ownership of the residences, Wayne immediately fired all Building and Grounds personnel, and has begun removing all copper pipes and wiring from the building, which allegedly cause birth defects.

President Casey also announced that all dining halls were being sold to local restraunteur John Jug, who immediately announced that all food items would immediately be replaced by a mysterious substance dubbed “Jug Dogs.” Although no student admitted to having tried one, Mr. Jug insisted that “They got relish, onions, ketchup. And probably meat, everything you need in a balanced meal.” He also announced that all soda fountains would be replaced with fully stocked alcoholic bars and that his number one priority would be to end the epidemic of bench and table standing related injuries.