Better start some cardio training, Colgate. This sex position requires exceptional physical fitness, hence its street name, the “Pass/Fail.” Just like Orgo, you will probably end up crying in frustration, but you need to pass in order to get into Med School. You and your partner will begin in the casual Lotus position, and from there begin the “walk and thrust” portion. You are physically carrying your partner in Lotus, while walking around the room. I hope you’ve been doing your push-ups. This is a very pleasurable, but difficult to master, and generally stressful sex position. Just like your Gen Chem class, you will either do it, or you won’t. The bar is set so low that if you just meet it, the sex will be pretty okay. Why even put yourself through it, you might ask? Well, we at the Rag just don’t know. Maybe you should ask your advisor, or your Dean for guidance.
DRINKING GAME OF THE MONTH
The Freshman Crawl
Are you tired of your regular Monday, Wednesday or Friday evenings? Need to get your rocks off? Do you want to relive the fall semester of your freshman year, or maybe do you just enjoy laughing at freshmen? If so, this is the perfect game to spice up your week! Grab a friend and hit the Res Quad, because it’s Freshman Jug Night.
Materials:
-One handle of Strawberry Lemonade Svedka
-Two cases of White Claw (Mango is preferable, but Variety Pack works, too)
-An eighth of weed and a pipe
-A resistance to Mono
-No Shame.
Instructions:
Take a shot if you see one freshman girl wearing a jean skirt and a crop top
Take three shots if you see a group of 5 or more freshman girls wearing a jean skirt and a crop top
Take a shot if someone asks to rip your juul
Chug a Claw if you ask to rip someone else’s juul
Take 4 shots when the Andrews dorm party gets busted
Shotgun a Claw for every 15 minutes you wait in the Jug line and do 12 jumping jacks to stay warm
Smoke a bowl if you make it back up to frank without yakking on the Cruiser.
Finish the handle if you end your night by dry humping a freshman lacrosse player in his dorm room while his roommate is sleeping 5 feet away.
*Disclaimer: The Monthly Rag encourages safe behavior when drinking. If you do something stupid, you have no right to be upset when we laugh at you after reading the Blotter.
Depressed, Stressed, but Always Well-Dressed
Alright, gather round kids, ‘cause this is a fun one! We all know and love April as the most depressing month of the school year. Nothing quite like having five papers and two presentations due in the same week, just to add a little spice to the emotional breakdowns you’ve been having with the realization that you’ve got no job and all your friends are about to abandon you. You’re sentimental and sleep deprived, and not in a good way! Which is why it’s time for––wait for it–– FOOOORRRMAAALL. That’s right, Colgate, you’re gonna get dressed all fancy and booze real hard, and snapchat it all while pretending you’re not on the verge of an emotional breakdown. Cute.
Supplies:
- (1) Handle of Grey Goose
- (0) no chaser
- Open Bar at the Corral
Rules:
- Player with the most points at the end of the night wins
- SPEED ROUND: Kill the handle with your date before the buses leave (that’s in, like, 20 minutes) (+10 points)
- Take pictures without crying (+2 points)
Haze the Intern
End of the school-year means the end of fun with your friends for about 4 months as you struggle to apply to unpaid startup company internships in Bumfuck, Idaho while Brad the econ major gets into Bank of America “all on his own.” For the best results, the Rag recommends that you apply to many jobs at the same time, while drunk.
Materials:
– (1) handle of hard alcohol of your choice, bonus points if it’s punny for your industry
-(1) rack of breadwater or similar
Instructions:
-Sip your can every time you are required to write out something that was already written on your resume.
-Chug for three seconds every time you try to apply to a job only to find it was filled three weeks ago and the company refuses to take the listing off of LinkedIn.
-Shotgun one brewchacho for every cover letter you write. You deserve it.
-Take a pull every time you get rejected.
-Take a shot and beer-chase any time you land an interview.
-You are required to chug one beer for every business you have applied to that has not responded to your application yet until they finally accept or reject you.
-Finish your materials as soon as you land your dream internship.
Sex Position: The Spring Break-Her
This Spring Break-inspired position is all about fucking destroying that phat puss, broh. That’s right we’re gonna show you all the best ways to wreck your lady lover’s hot box. Before you embark on your journey to Punta, be sure to stock up on Red Dragon boner pills, a signature favorite of PKT. Just one dose will have your cock thick and throbbing, ready to absolutely obliterate your girl’s panty hamster all day long. Don’t forget coconut oil, which can double as lube and tanning oil, covering all your bases for the non-stop beach sex you’ll be having all week. Once you’ve gathered your supplies, definitely do some quick stretches to open up those hip flexors, because you gotta be loose to make it in the big leagues. Alright, now pop those pills, lather up and down a few margs, and just bambambambambambambambambambambambambambambambambam until you collapse from exhaustion.
Tastes Like Loneliness
This month can be hard on all the sad single people out there who promote things like “Galentine’s” or “Brolentine’s” Day unironically, which at this hook-up obsessed school is pretty much everybody. Luckily, with alcohol by your side, you’re never truly alone. Drink up, you sad bitch.
Materials:
(1) bottle of a champagne of your choice—we here at The Rag support a nice Blanc de Noirs of a decent year
(4) bottles of the shittiest red wine you can find (1) heart-shaped box of chocolates
Instructions:
– Start off by toasting to your own singleness with your bottle of champagne. Every time you remember how much better this would be with another person, chug like you’re trying to refuel your tear ducts with wine.
– When the champagne is gone (like all of your potential lovers), crack open the first bottle of red and sip when:
– You see an annoying couples’ Instagram post
– You hear someone say, “I love you”
– You open Tinder in an attempt to find someone—anyone—who will fill the void that currently occupies where your heart was
Sex Position: The Seduction Ceremony
The Monthly Rag would like to take a moment to congratulate the new members of Konosioni by providing everyone with a sex-ritual akin to Kono’s own Induction Ceremony, complete with huge-ass robes and candles among other objects of questionable purpose and nature. First, initiate coitus at the base of Colgate’s hill, continuing upwards each time someone calls Campus Safety. Along the way, you are required to stop at the most scenic locations our campus has to offer, such as the Persson Steps, Case’s patio-bridge-thing, the Academic Quad, and everyone’s favorite: Frank Dining Hall, in order to take in everything Colgate has offered you (read: nothing). Once you reach Foggy Bottom, immediately ruin your partner’s orgasm, because it turns out you never got your second PE credit and have to take another semester before graduating.
The Eviction Notice
Sigh. It’s that time of year again. The time where the semester is winding to a close, papers are due, and finals are looming ahead. So why not avoid all your responsibilities and get absolutely blasted on whatever you can get you hands on?
Materials:
-Peppermint Schnapps
-Hot Chocolate
-Everything else left in the fridge at the end of the semester
How to Play:
Close all the documents open on your computer, toss aside the textbooks and push your backpack to the side. Make a nice steaming mug of hot chocolate and liberally add peppermint schnapps. If the ratio is 2 parts schnapps to 1 part cocoa, you’re in good shape. Sip the chocolatey, minty concoction while you tear apart your room searching for other forms of booze. Everyone knows the drill — going home for a month means anyone could search through your fridge and belongings. Pull out the last beers from your fridge, the half handle stashed in your sock drawer and the suspiciously sticky white claw that’s been sitting on your desk for the past 6 weeks. Once you’re confident you found everything, make a nice pile in the center of the room. Invite some friends, or don’t, because the next part is simple: finish everything you have left, sleep to avoid your responsibilities, and hope you don’t sleep through your 9AM final.
Sex Position: The North Pole
Happy Holidays you Hamilton Hoes! This month’s sex position isn’t hot but it certainly will give you the seasonal warm and fuzzies. Three features are necessary to ensure your ideal polar exploration. First and foremost, find a consensual partner who shares a mutual love for flat, white, unforgiving bodies. Next, both of you will need to do extensive personscaping, as Brazillian waxes are necessary, remember: “there’s no foliage in the tundra!” It is barren, just like you’ll wish you’ll be if you forget protection, so lastly remember to wrap up those gifts! Then you’ll be ready to explore you and your partner’s most uninhabitable regions!
Lean In, Toss Up, Pull the Lever
November 6, 2018 could be spookier than Halloween, so you will need something to help you get through this nightmare. Lucky for you, your friends at the Monthly Rag have just the thing.
What You Will Need:
We recommend starting out slow with PBR, moving on to blue or red punch, and finishing with absinthe to really get the job done, but it really depends on what turn the night takes.
Take a Drink Every Time:
A district flips.
Someone with a name that sounds like a Civil War era disease is elected from the Midwest.
Someone awkwardly gropes their wife during a speech .
A man with no neck talks about illegal immigration or muslims.
The Caravan is mentioned.
A Democrat who just defeated a man with a swastika tattooed between his eyes talks about Bipartisanship.
Finish Your Drink When:
The MAGAbomber is elected to the Florida State Legislature.
Colgate gets a shout out in Tenney’s concession speech.
The Monthly Rag 