HAMILTON, NY — Many remote students were surprised, to say the least, when they opened the manila folders containing vacuum-sealed pizza slices sent to them by Colgate University, and to our dismay, administration representative and Liaison of Odd Select Entities to Remoters Carl D’Bourbox has informed us that there is more to come:

“In the coming weeks, we plan to send more flavors that we know remote students are missing by partnering with local businesses and restaurants — or at least, the ones that aren’t tired of our shit yet. Our friends at Hamilton Eatery and Maxwell’s have been kind enough to provide us with their beloved mac and cheese and tuna melts as well as Gilligan’s homemade; in fact, they kind of just gave it to us out of the blue! And in true Colgate fashion, we even convinced them to do all the labor for us by paying them crazy amounts of money!”

Concerned about the logistics of this second package, The Rag decided to probe for further information, asking how the food would be preserved given the incredible distance between some remote students and Colgate:

“We’re just gonna dump a big ol’ glob of mac on top of a shrink-wrapped tuna melt and pray for the best; maybe we could, like, freeze it or something? I honestly have no clue about the ice cream, but godamnit, we’re gonna get it there,” exclaimed D’Bourbox.

Of course, the administration’s ability raises interesting questions concerning how exactly Colgate’s budget has funds for mailing individually packaged pieces of pizza, and yet, the cesspool that is Gate House still exists. According to the packages themselves, this bad idea was actually some crazy fucko’s donation; meanwhile, Green Bikes can’t buy new bikes after students decided to lose, sell, or even destroy the program’s inventory. In the interest of seeing what other events alumni are pursuing, The Rag decided to go to the most reliable source of information possible: God-President Brian Casey himself.

“We get a ton of ridiculous donations,” Casey started. “Someone once wanted to bring back the Cane Rush and was willing to pay everyone’s medical bills; another anonymous donor wanted Colgate to have another pipeline to the US Military. All in all, this was maybe a more tame solution to appeasing those psycho rich bastards.” The Rag will continue to pursue this story to let its readers know if they should be expecting anything else in the mail from the university — because at this point, who fucking knows what they’ll think of next.

HAMILTON, NY — Cryptocurrencies and NFTs (Non-Fungible Tokens) are all the rage these days as late stage capitalism takes an increasingly firm grip on our pathetic, inconsequential lives. Nothing is more exciting than paying real money for a virtual currency that is accepted at a grand total of about seven locations. However, all that is about to change. The Colgate administration recently announced their plans to convert all existing ‘Gate Cash into cryptocurrency known as ‘Gate Coin. The university spokesperson, Tawkin Hedd, told us that Colgate made this move in order to “appeal to the younger, tech-savvy generation” and “get kids involved in cryptos to prepare them for life after Colgate.” According to the finance office, Colgate is acquiring this cryptocurrency by using the computer labs located around campus to mine ‘Gate Coin overnight. 

All students with existing ‘Gate Cash are advised to use it as soon as possible before it expires the first day of finals week. The administration also promised that with these changes would come “great improvements” in the businesses that accept payment in the form of ‘Gate Coin. Hedd told the Rag that “at least two” local businesses had already signed on, including VJ Magro’s and the Advance Auto Parts next to Price Chopper.

Another bonus benefit of the shift to crypto is the intense volatility of ‘Gate Coin. According to a few early adopters, the value of the money in their accounts rapidly fluctuated between the value of a McChicken and a modestly used Tesla. One student told us “I put $5 in my account to do some laundry, and the next day when I looked I had like 200 bucks! But by the time I left to go splurge, I had like 75 cents and my card declined.”

With the introduction of a decentralized, non-physical currency comes significant changes to the established Colgate environment–which is to say, people are using the cryptocurrency for bribes and no one is subtle about it. As use of ‘Gate Coin increases across campus, so does the demand for the “currency” based on, in the words of Brian Casey himself, “deez [sic] nuts, you stupid fuck.” An anonymous source that regularly deals illicit substances to various GLOs across campus had the following comment:

“Put simply, Colgate has created a new Silk Road [The interviewee stopped here to do a sign of the cross.] that operates in the microcosm of Broad Street. If you got ‘Gate, I got your shit, no holds barred. I use it in my transactions, to pay off the delivery guy, to get Campo off my ass … The list goes on. But remember, loose lips sink ships.”

In addition to this comment, another unknown individual spontaneously showed up at the Monthly Rag Office (read: a house where two of our editors live) wearing a XXXL trenchcoat, a ski mask, fingerless gloves and combat boots before screaming the following at the top of his lungs, regardless of if anyone was listening or not:

“WOOOOOO!!! ‘GATE TO THE MOOOOOOON!!!! DIAMOND HANDS, MOTHERFUCKER. JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THIS SHIT IN 2050, BITCH; AEPS TOGETHER STRONG.”

All in all, the new change is mildly puzzling. Student mental health is only hanging on by the thought of multiple consecutive 50-plus degree days, and seniors are struggling to find jobs post-grad in a Covid-altered world, but for some reason Colgate is only concerned with making student’s lives more complicated. As the ‘Gate Coin continues to roll out, the Rag will keep our readers updated with the latest information.

HAMILTON, NY — Brian Casey took a break from bootsucking to celebrate the achievements of Hamilton Police Officer Eat Shitpig, hailing the deputy as “truly, the second coming of Jesus Christ” before adorning his sweaty, shitty shoulders with the lid of a tin can on a string: the Colgate Medal of Honor, otherwise known as the highest possible award an individual (with an income of less than $72,000) can receive from the University. This past week, Officer Shitpig had truly done his force well, trespassing on private property courageously risking his life in light of the COVID-19 pandemic to interrupt unlawful off-campus gatherings numbering as many as twelve(!) whole individuals, truly asserting that cops are trustworthy, reliable, honest, and hardworking people.

The Rag interrupted Officer Shitpig’s donut binge and approached him for comment:

“Huh? Oh, yeah! I fucked those kids over. Absolutely dicked them. Told them I wouldn’t report anything because they were all spaced from each other and wearing masks and stuff. Stupid little shits.”

Officer Shitpig then waddled away, notably fucking-right-off past a crowd stumbling out of Phi Delta Theta’s driveway. Shitpig then knucklebumped the brother working door, kicked a nearby puppy and threw a brick at a car driving down Broad Street before hopping into his own vehicle and chasing his victim down for the unlawful activity of doing 32 in a 30 with a hole in their windshield.

As the Colgate Police State continues to tighten its grasp on the (non-affiliated) Colgate community, many students find themselves–again–incredibly pissed off with the absolute audacity of the University. One anonymous student wrote the following to the Rag via Instagram:

“Point blank, the University is full of shit; they’re more than happy with breaking up minor gatherings between friends but will allow hundred-people gatherings and give GLOs a slap on the wrist. Between that, the constant tours occurring on campus and the fact that we are being increasingly harassed by the administration when only fucking staff members are positive cases, it really makes you wonder what the fuck Brian Casey is smoking and if we students can get some.”