HAMILTON, NY — This year, Colgate is turning away from the typical Spring Party Weekend format of focusing funding and organizing efforts towards the Saturday concert, as too many students choose to forgo the event in favor of resting after Block Party before staying up all night. Instead, the money is going directly to various student organizations, so Colgate students will get to attend several smaller concerts with even worse artists spread out over several days. With a funding allocation board consisting primarily of Beta Theta Pi members, we are sure to be in for a wild weekend. Here are some of the events rumored to be taking place:

1. Mason Ramsey, Thursday Night at DU’s Hoedown
If that name doesn’t ring a bell, you’re not alone. Most people never bothered to learn his name beyond “yodel boy,” and his career peaked last year during his brief appearance at Coachella and spot on the Ellen Show. He’s put out some country songs of his own since then, but unsurprisingly people found it weird to listen to an 11-year-old sing about love and he’s faded into obscurity. His appearance fees are so low now that DU was able to snag him for less than they normally would pay for a DJ for their Saturday night party, and his signature cowboy-boots-and-hat look fits perfectly with the theme of the event. Get ready to get down to some of the best yodeling you’ve ever heard.

2. Lil Dicky, Friday Night at Phoam
Anyone who’s ever happened to see Lil Dicky in concert knows he likes to get weird. His signature routine often involves bringing a girl up on stage and stripping for her, moving his tighty-whitey covered ass in a way that no audience member could ever forget. Apparently Lil Dicky decided he didn’t even need to be paid to appear at Phi Delt as the prospect of jumping around half-naked and covered in foam with a bunch of college kids was too exciting for him to decline. He simply requested free alcohol and drugs and dibs on the hottest girl at the after party. We recommend avoiding contact with him at all costs.

3. Macklemore, Saturday at Parker Commons
In an effort to make a school-hosted event seem maybe worthwhile, Parker Commons sprang for an artist that everyone has actually heard of. It turns out that Macklemore charges by the song, so with their limited budget the school was only able to afford his most well known song,“Thrift Shop.” Macklemore will be singing this on repeat for an hour, but most students are reportedly planning on leaving as soon as they’ve posted a couple of snap stories.

Luckily, most of the regular fraternity-sponsored events will still be happening so you don’t have to subject yourself to these low-budget concert alternatives. Get ready for one of the weirdest weekends at Colgate yet.

HAMILTON, NY — A recent senior research project by Psychology major Hava Brayn has found that Main Moon employees have the same stone-cold mental abilities as CIA operatives and Navy SEALS. The study examined the brain activity caused by “high pressure and terrifying” scenarios, according to Brayn.

“Not gonna lie,” she said, “I was inspired to do this research during a trip to the Main Moon buffet after fraturday. I witnessed dozens of students mobbing the restaurant and grabbing orange chicken out of the buffet with their hands while the employees calmly manned the front counter and replenished the food.” Brayn told the Rag that at first she assumed the employees were “dead inside” from weekly exposure to trauma post-fraturday, but when she watched more closely she noticed they were actually simply immune to the entire cluster-fuck going on around them.

The experiment involved monitoring brain activity of the Main Moon employees during a regular business day and a Saturday evening, and comparing them to the brain scans of CIA agents in declassified government documents. “When I first compared the brain scans, I was confused,” Brayn said. “I thought I accidentally copied the same results, but it turns out the employees brains are indistinguishable from a CIA agent under extreme pressure.”

The Rag asked other Colgate students their experiences with post-fraturday Main Moon. “Honestly man, I’ve seen some shit,” said a student who wished to remain anonymous. “I won’t name names, but I’ve definitely seen a tray of Lo Mein dumped on the floor and used as a medium for snow angels.” Another student, John Hammeredstein, mentioned a time that he witnessed a “Main Moon employee calmly step over two passed-out students in order to refill the water jugs in the fridge and wipe down the tables.”

The next time you see a glassy-eyed, stone-faced restaurant employee just remember that you might actually be face to face with one the toughest minds society has to offer.

HAMILTON, NY — Disaster recently struck Hamilton’s beloved Community Memorial Hospital after their supply of acetaminophen and ibuprofen, commonly sold under the brand names Tylenol and Advil, was deemed empty. While the hospital usually purchases a bulk order for the entire school year, the overwhelming number of cases of mono, strep, and other “kissing diseases” has tested the limits of our local healthcare system. After much deliberation regarding their budget and capabilities, the Board of Directors at the hospital decided the best course of action was to step outside of their comfort zone and begin practicing medicine more advanced than The Coop Store’s mini pharmacy.

Some concerns have been raised regarding how well a facility made up almost entirely of interns can treat diseases without their go-to panaceas, but Community Memorial’s Dr. Trevor Corey assured The Monthly Rag that all would be well.

Dr. Corey also had some opinions regarding the origin of these outbreaks, claiming “John Jug and his House of Whoring has cost the hospital thousands in easily accessible over the counter drugs. His business’s ability to convince freshmen to trade saliva with strangers is truly the worst disease I’ve ever seen.” He also attacked frat parties and their hookup culture, but some of our freshmen writers’ hopes to get a bid next year will keep these comments in the dark.

Community Memorial Hospital emphasized that their lack of the weakest painkillers known to man will only affect a small portion of their day to day work, as the majority is made up of alcohol poisoned lightweights who are convinced they are heavyweights. As for the future, the hospital plans to entirely revamp their treatment programs. Starting next school year, acetaminophen and ibuprofen will no longer be given to every sick student that walks through their doors. Instead, their staff will begin using essential oils and healing crystals to cleanse students’ bodies through their souls.