HAMILTON, NY — Students at Colgate University struggled to function on the fourth and fifth of September after a Juul pod shortage touched every corner of Hamilton’s frat house-laden city limits. The forty-eight hour absence of Juul pods from the shelves of all two gas stations had a devastating impact, leaving students contemplating making the hour long trek to Oneida in fleets of Range Rovers to relieve their nicotine withdrawal. Others remained in bed, blowing off classes and resorting to ripping their empty Juul pods out of habit and attempts at finding comfort. 

Students Brad (‘22) and Chad (‘21) decided to take the drought as a way to apply their 2.1 GPA abilities from Econ 101 and other business courses they had dropped within the first semester. The entrepreneurs charged a mere $15 to fellow classmates for each hit taken from their remaining pods. “This is a failure of the city of Hamilton and the campus of Colgate. Why the fuck are we paying seventy-two Gs to attend a school in a town that doesn’t properly stock their gas stations with nicotine. Simple economics dude, supply and demand,” stated Brad. Chad agreed, adding, “It’s times like this you’ve got to help out, for the good of humanity, you know? I’m basically doing God’s work. Fifteen dollars is a small price to pay to restore the balance of nature and nicotine. It’s the same cost as an entry fee and a watered down half shot at the Jug. I’m a reasonable man.” 

Students in Environmental Studies courses decided to take the depleted Juul stock in stride and apply environmental sustainability. Many of these students asked for small business loans of one million dollars from their CEO parents to purchase liquifiers, biodegradable pods, and tobacco seeds. Student Emily Burberry (‘20) is spearheading this project, hoping that “this will provide all natural, local, vegetarian, non GMO, cruelty free, vegan options all while reducing carbon emissions, which is Colgate’s goal afterall.” 

Meanwhile, students in the American Red Cross Association have pushed for more drastic efforts to relieve the immense suffering on campus. Requests for airdrops of cucumber, mint, and mango pods were swiftly emailed to the American Red Cross relief effort. Other students independently ordered hundreds of Juul pods with next day shipping from their parent’s platinum visa cards. 

The depletion of Juul pods has affected even those without nicotine addictions. Campus has seen an alarming decrease in midnight fire alarms typically triggered by swaths of nicotine clouds in the Bryan Complex and East Hall. Campus Police and local firefighters found themselves ridden with extreme boredom due to not being utilized nightly by the Juulers of campus. Even air quality has increased, reducing the haze at the dining hall typically caused by nicotine nibblers. Multiple students have complained that the newly restored harsh lighting due to the lack of Juul pod induced fog has made the food appear even more unappetizing, a new low, causing reduced appetites that only exacerbate this disaster.

HAMILTON, NY — Following the shuttering of the world-renowned “Mexican” restaurant, La Iguana, in August, the Colgate community has struggled to replace the legacy of the Hamilton establishment. Members of Top Gamma Phi Beta were distraught at the loss of one of their only source of tequila, one sister told the Rag “What are we gonna do, if I want tequila now the only place to get it is from a Phi Tau’s belly-button.” 

“This was only our way to balance out our lack of social capital on this campus,” said one sister of Kappa Kappa Gamma and a member of the Swinging Gates. In response, Chartwells began serving “non-virgin, tequila-flavored slushies” at the O’Connor Campus Center Dining Room. Student representatives to the Student Affairs Board (SAB) have noted increasingly disgruntled faculty and administrators who relied on the wait-time at La Iguana to peer review journal submissions, but are now forced to wait in line at the O’Connor Campus Center for margaritas. “They don’t seem particularly thrilled to have to fraternize with athletes and tour groups,” said one overly-involved and under-informed sophomore. 

Other students have noticed faculty members who have been more energetic and emotional during class and in office hours. The entire astronomy department “has been acting sloppier than usual,” according to one senior astrogeophysics major. When asked about the decision to serve alcohol on campus, representatives from Colgate Dining Services responded that “Pepe Lopez doesn’t count” as a legitimate type of alcohol. President Casey, Provost Hucks, Dean McLaughlin, and Dean Flores-Mills declined to comment on the decision, but mariachi music was heard on both the third floor of James B. Colgate Hall and the first floor of McGregory Hall last Friday, followed by the departure of Dining Services staff from both locations and a distinct aroma of poor budgeting decisions. 

The Coop has already served 1,369 margaritas since the closure of La Iguana. Local weather experts attribute this seemingly large number to the sustained high temperatures Central New York has experienced due to the hot air from sophomore men who think that joining the Beta Theta Pi fraternity is “totally cool now.” Estimates of corn chip consumption have quadrupled as compared to this time last fall, which has led to a decrease in stolen salt shakers from on-campus dining locations. The future of this policy is unclear, but so is the memory of almost every 21-year old on a meal plan.

HAMILTON, NY — Bartender needed, must be willing to work weekends and nights. Age is not important, so don’t include it on the application (what Johnny doesn’t know won’t hurt him). Must be proficient in pouring water into light drinks and holding conversation with budding alcoholics. Social media presence must SLAY the game. Actively promoting The Jug and Jug Dogs is crucial; nobody has lived to tell how great Jug Dogs are so it is your job to do so. 

If considering applying, ask yourself these questions: Do I hate myself enough to serve alcohol to underage drinkers? Am I okay with pretending that everything is completely normal with this establishment? Am I strong enough to clean the double toilet bathroom? If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, keep reading. If not, keep reading anyways we’re really desperate at this point. 

Unlike other jobs, we encourage you to spread crazy stories about what happens here at the Jug. Any publicity is good publicity, so feel free to “embellish” the less exciting nights. Blackout night at the Jug is every night and we will accept nothing less. 

Pros of working at the Jug: 

• Hanging out at John Jug’s lake house
• Consistent features on “Old Stone Jug” Snapchat story
• Free admission into the Jug during your shifts
• Drinking on the job
• You might find residue “floor-cocaine” while cleaning bathroom

Cons of working at the Jug:

• All of the above

• A salary so small that you can’t afford to buy yourself a drink
• Tips so rare that they should be treated like a national holiday
• Watching teenagers grind like it’s 1999
• Yakkers

HAMILTON, NY — Earlier this month, La Iguana Mexican Restaurant, affectionately known as La Ig, closed its doors permanently. The Hamilton community is still reeling from the loss. Residents are left to ask: “Wait why? I thought they did good business?” and for others in the community to say: “I think it was like, a family thing?”

This loss is no doubt felt most strongly by Colgate’s most vulnerable community: white women named Emily. A safe space for them to order guac for the table and freely mispronounce Mexican dishes has been eliminated. Where will this displaced people go? A representative from Fresh 8 released the following statement when the news broke,

“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to eat a sad excuse for Mexican food. We don’t serve margaritas, but if that’s what it takes for you to want to come here we can do that I guess.”

We reached out to Emily’s throughout the affected area. Emily C. remarked (NOT Emily H.) that she was incredibly distraught, as evident by her Snapchat story of some yuca fries and a blood orange frozen margarita with sugar captioned “RIP LA IG.” Emily T. shared her story of buying a La Ig t shirt in memoriam of the fallen titan that read “Machoman or Nachoman?” Sources close to Emily T. said it was “such an Em thing to do.” Emily S. also fondly recalled memories of getting completed wasted on margaritas while she wait two hours for her order of enchiladas suizas. 

So what is an Emily to do? In the wake of this enormous tragedy, La Iguana has remained shockingly silent on the matter. We have contacted parties at La Iguana for comment to no avail. The Monthly Rag is calling publicly for La Iguana to come forward with an apology to Emily’s everywhere.