HAMILTON, NY — The situation in the fourth floor Case Library women’s bathroom has received official crisis status as of press time. Three hours prior a record was broken for Colgate’s longest poop standoff, ever. The two unidentified females have been occupying the second and middle stalls of the bathroom for over 32 hours now, each waiting for the other to give up and move to a different bathroom for her bowel movement.

For those unfamiliar with the poop standoff, your ignorance is understandable, as these typically afflict the female population and events of this magnitude are rare. There are a number of theories that seek to explain the female poop standoff phenomenon. Many point to societal pressures on women to fart glitter and shit rainbows, rather than allowing them to accept and enjoy a nice, steamy dump. High rates of poop shyness and a lack of accessible one-stall bathrooms around campus occasionally bring girls head-to-head while trying to secretly take a public shit. It tends to play out in a scenario involving one person entering the bathroom first, and believing the bathroom to be empty, beginning her pooping process. This is immediately followed by the entrance of a second person, who assumes that the first person will be leaving the bathroom shortly. She enters the stall, and waits her turn to poop. This is the trap. Both now sit in utter silence, delaying defecation in the hopes that the other will leave.

The length of any given poop stando depends on two main factors: rates of stubborness and strength of anal muscles in both players. A question of mental health comes into play when an occurrence lasts longer than four hours, as pointed out by clinical psychologist Dr. Hhardschtoole, “Most rational people would just give in and shit with someone else there, like, at a certain point both people know the other is there to lay a deuce, so own it. Really let ‘er rip.” Many agree with Dr. Hhardschtoole’s “let ‘er rip” sentiments, and in the wake of a record-breaking poop standoff, rumors of an anti-poop shyness movement are flying.

The two players (victims?) in this historic fourth floor poop standoff have yet to be identified, nor has either made any move to shit or move. The bathroom remains silent, except for a few rustles of the toilet paper holder and some shuffling feet. Emergency responders are concerned that the girls have lost feeling in their lower bodies, and at this point are likely unable to shit or move. Medical evacuation is imminent.

HAMILTON, NY — Switching gears from its usual highly intellectual and sophisticated critiques to hard hitting investigative journalism, the Rag this month sent a team to find out more about what’s been on everyone’s minds lately: Colgate’s rodent infestation.

When mice emerged in Curtis and Drake last semester, they instantly went viral. Responses ranged from Lululemon clad freshmen girls shrieking, “There is mice poop on my pillow; my Dad is totally gonna pull all of his donations when he hears about this!!” to barefoot OE members carrying bags of hand-ground granola saying, “I’m glad the school is finally trying to bring us closer with nature. We’ve had mice in the Loj for months. Thank God they finally brought them to the dorms,” to aspiring frat stars who mused, “Bro, how much coke do you think I could feed this mouse before it like passes out or something?” in between hits of their Juuls. Regardless of the response, the Curtis mice were on everyone who is anyone’s snapchat story.

Next in the saga of the rodent invasion: rumors surfaced at the start of the semester that the Coop had suffered a rat infestation over break. When asked for a comment, staff replied that the rumor is not true: “I have never walked into the Coop to find rats Pani- ni-pressing their own sandwiches. I’ve also never seen any rats trying to walk out without paying for their sushi–that’s absurd.” Rag reporters thought that this response was oddly specific, even suspiciously so, but did not press the evidently traumatized employee.

HAMILTON, NY — The Jug is off to an arousing success for the start of 2018. With Jugmas behind us (not that any of us remember that night anyway), Mista J has to concockt some new specials to keep our drunk asses coming back for more. Our insider analysts have confirmed that a new drink will be appearing just in time for recently-single Brad’s favorite holiday: Valentine’s Day. Reports say that this adult beverage will consist of tomato juice, ground-up Sweethearts, enough grain alcohol to fill up the rest of the glass, and, to top it all off, Viagra. It’s rumored to be called the “4 Hour Erection,” and you have to sign a waiver before consuming this monstrosity. When ordered, the bartender will read you your Miranda Rights and the side effects (diarrhea, constipation, a mix of the two, boundless sexual energy, your top two buttons of your shirt will be undone to show off your new testosterone-fueled chest bush, and, in rare cases, webbed feet). John Jug warns that he and the Old Stone Jug will not be covering any copays for urologist visits.

As time draws nearer to the most romantic time of the year, preparations are being made at the most romantic venue on the planet. I hear Michelle is putting up streamers, and LL Cool Jug is loading up the fog machine with new rosy pink cartridges. Little bowls of shitty candy are out and about. The Spotify playlist is being put together, and we can only speculate that the songs added are cheesy love songs from the decade of excess, the ‘80s. Included in the price of admission is a free Valentine’s Day card that you can then give to your significant other. Some examples include cards that say “Happy consumerist-driven, trivial interpretation of love day,” “I’d rather die alone,” and the timeless classic, “Are you the funds in my bank account? Because you’re insufficient.”

We’ll have our best people down at the Jug on the 14th to get the top coverage and interviews for all the celebrities attending. You can expect the normal sweaty grinding and white girls singing “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers, but this time around, there will be love in the air.

HAMILTON, NY — The world has sat back in shock as countless women have come out with stories of sexual assault and harassment against big names in Hollywood, most notably Harvey Weinstein. Weinstein was the first to fall, and since the story of his crimes was published, countless women have been empowered to come forward about their assaults, resulting in the firing of Matt Lauer and substantiated accusations of sexual misconduct against the comedian Louis C.K. No one is really surprised by the crimes or that they were committed by powerful white men, the real kicker is that they’re facing consequences for what they’ve done.

“I mean it’s kinda crazy to think a serial rapist with power and privilege would actually have to be accountable for what he did,” said senior Macy Blahblahblah, “that’s just like, unheard of at Colgate.” Many other students have expressed the same surprise as Macy. “Yeah like I’m all about smashing the patriarchy, man, and these Hollywood babes are kicking ass and taking names, man, I dig it bro,” commented sophomore JB ski team member Tucker HkjsFADJAH, “it must be way easier since they don’t have to go through a bunch of university bureaucracy bullshit to get justice and stuff.”

HAMILTON, NY — The DKE chapel has long been one of the most mysterious places around campus, right up there with the creepy house next to Tach and the strange trap door basement in the Jug. Some Monthly Rag writers, determined to get to the bottom of what this building is still used for, put together a team worth of an art heist in order to break into the house. Upon entering, the team was hit by a nasty stench that smelled like a combination of rotting flesh and cocaine. Careful to not leave a trace of their presence, the team quickly investigated and recorded the contents of the chapel before getting back out again. This is a condensed record of the items that they found.

In the main hall, writers discovered the remains of past debauchery. Broken furniture, empty bottles of expensive alcohol, and random other trash littered the floors. A tarnished chandelier hung from the ceiling, showing the grandeur that this place must have once had. The back wall, above a collection of animal heads and other strange paraphernalia, bore the DKE crest. Not too impressed with their findings, the group moved on to the next room.

The back room appeared to be a cozy library, with a few overstuffed armchairs and several bookcases. Oddly, though, the team found some items in a corner that seemed like they would be more appropriate in a sorority house. These items included baskets with gifts in them, pledge paddles decorated with the house’s letters and cute messages about father-son bonding, and even a few old t-shirts with the words “best dad” and “best son” printed on them.

Next, the group ventured to the basement in hopes of finding items more typical of DKE’s reputation. The smell that they first noticed upon entering the house only intensified as they descended. After opening a closet door at the bottom of the stairs, they found what appeared to be a decaying animal carcass, likely part of some old sacrifice ritual to the idols of DKE. Further in, they found what they had been hoping for all along: branding equipment in the shape of delta, ready to burn into the shoulders of pledges. Then, at the very back of the room, they found a safe that our expert code breaker was able to hack into. Inside was everything a DKE kid could ever need: kilos of cocaine, bags of xans, and stack of hundred dollar bills.

Finally satisfied with their findings, the group ripped a few lines of antique coke to celebrate before sneaking back out of the building. No matter how well secrets are hidden, the advanced journalist team of the Rag will discover the truth.