HAMILTON, NY — The period of hell referred to within the scientific community as winter has arrived, bringing with it the inevitable arrival of holiday cheer, seasonal depression, and, everyone’s favorite, geese. As these migratory murderers adorn our campus with their Blitzkrieg patterns in the skies and their excessive shit in the fields, many members of the Colgate community walk Willow Path with a wary eye. For the socioeconomic one percent (and Colgate’s 99%), bigotry from all angles is inevitable when they decide to don their winter apparel. Not only are wearers of Canada Goose jackets being attacked by vegans and SJWs, but now, they also duke it out with the geese themselves.

“Did you know that geese have three fucking sets of teeth? That’s something I didn’t need to know. Ever.” Goose-attack survivor Todd Toddson was more than happy to provide this hungover writer with a graphic display of the bite marks imprinted into the plush down of his ridiculously expensive jacket. Plumes of feathers wafted from the tears like new fallen snow or frozen white-boy tears. “I’m not mad about the jacket; I use hundred dollar bills to wipe my ass instead of that cheapass one-ply in Drake. I’m mad that I was assaulted just for how I look. Geese should respect my First Amendment Right to proudly display my exorbitant wealth and apathy for animal rights.” Environmental Science major Quinoa Brookes was the first to notice the geese’s targeting of the white and wealthy. “Initially I was looking to see how global climate change was affecting their migratory patterns,” she explained as we observed the geese doing dumb goose shit from afar, “but then I started to notice that geese are actually total dicks, and then I noticed that they’re even bigger dicks to certain people.” As a personal research project Brookes tested her observations by having members of different racial and socioeconomic groups interact with the birds. “I was shocked when I realized the geese were targeting rich white people, the exact opposite reason they removed those white supremacist swans from campus a few years back.” Brookes suggested that the bird’s keen sense of smell and unquenchable desire for vengeance was what lead them to target wearer’s of their kins corpses. Despite their vulnerability to attack, many students are unwilling to let go of their precious winter coats. While Patagonia may offer eco-friendly apparel of equivalent expense, many consider nothing superior to the plush insulation provided by the feathers of dozens of tortured birds. Stay warm Colgate students – but more importantly, stay safe.

HAMILTON, NY — Frat stars across campus were shocked and heartbroken with the recently published rankings of the most hard core Colgate Greek houses by The New York Times. That’s right boys, pop those collars down as low as your security in your masculinity, because the hottest party scene on Broad Street is all flannels, dirt, and hiking boots.

“OE is the elitist of the elite” Sophomore Clinton Asiago commented, “you don’t rush you apply. Talk about competition. I came to Colgate to party, not write essays.” Indeed, the Outdoor Education staff ensures they pick the cream of the crop from their applicants. Though like most of the Greek system, their opinion is swayed by appearance. “It’s so biased,” commented devastated First-Year Emily Gouda, adjusting her lulu headband ever so slightly, “I feel singled out when I’m the only one in the room not wearing Tevas. And let’s be real. If you don’t own a single flannel they won’t even give your application a second look. I feel so discriminated against.”

Once these carefully selected individuals make it in, then the fun really begins. “Oh, we have to do all kinds of stuff for the upperclassmen…but like, don’t worry, making us scale buildings to find gourds with our names on them isn’t hazing,” said recently inducted First-Year Kyle Provolone nervously shifting his glance around the room. “It’ll be even better when we go on the winter trip,” Provolone hesitantly joked. Indeed, there is nothing quite like being placed in the middle of the Adirondacks for a week to fend for yourself against the elements. “It really forces you to become one with nature.” Senior Taylor Swiss reminisced, “I left part of myself in the woods that trip…no really I got frostbite and they had to amputate a toe.”

And just as one would expect from a gruff steel toed lumberjack, these OE participants know their way around alcohol. “Nobody out drinks us. Nobody. Not even Frisbee,” confirmed Junior Alex Gorgonzola while piercing her beer with a ice climbing pickaxe and shotgunning on the roof of the hockey rink.

When the frat stars of OE aren’t climbing trees and rolling in mud, they return to their homebase the Loj, the one house on Broad Street that really does knows how to put the “wild” in wilderness. One report found that the male participants climb to the highest vantage point in the room (a replace mantle, a refrigerator, etc.) and take off their shirts – an interesting and under-studied mating ritual. Truly a spectacle Animal Planet wishes they could capture.

In its rankings, NYT cited OE’s overall exclusivity, coupled with its gender inclusivity, as one of its strongest assets as a, “student group that fux heavy.” Local Beta brother Timmy Turner com- mented, “I just don’t get how co-ed works, like, women that you party with? And respect?” The co-ed culture of the OE Fratority seems to be an aspect of the rankings no other Broad Street house can compete with, although at print time, it was reported that Phi Kappa Tau was considering opening up membership to females based on a test of how well they could chug a beer.

Frat Star Behavior Apparently Unacceptable Outside of the United States

HAMILTON, NY — Panic struck the Colgate community last week when rumors surfaced of John Jug’s potential sale of his popular local bar, The Old Stone Jug. Praised for its almost nonexistent drinking age and easy access to watered-down liquor, a loss like this could potentially decimate Colgate’s party scene.

Matt “the Guy” McKinnon, a senior in Phi Kappa Tau, held back tears while explaining, “John Jug is my idol. He’s the only true role model I have. is has the potential to be a major tragedy. I’m sure the frats on campus could rally around this loss, but I just don’t know if we can handle it. No one does more for this community than The Jug.”

While the entire student body would certainly be rocked if The Jug is indeed sold, the freshmen would probably suffer the most, having had the least amount of time to spend at this cultural hub. One freshman boy, Parker Jeffrey, expressed his sadness saying, “when I first came to Colgate, I struggled to find ‘my spot’ on campus. The first freshman Jug night, I knew I had to look no further. This is probably the only place in the world that I feel like myself.” Another freshman boy, Adam Miller, has sought the help of Colgate Career Services in response to the rumors, “I already put ‘Jug Rat’ down on my resume, do you think I will have to take it off if John Jug sells? I’m probably just gonna leave it, it just looks so right in between ‘future member of Beta’ and ‘known asshole.’”

In the event that John Jug succeeds in selling his beloved bar, students will likely be able to find confirmation of the sale on his Snapchat story, @oldstonejug. As an avid Snapchat user, there is little that John Jug does not post, updating students constantly on his “Lake Life” as well as his “Jug Life.” As John continues to encourages the community to “blackout at the Jug,” students can remain optimistic that The Jug will not be sold any time in the near future.