Lone Wolf Pretends to Find Others’ Thanksgiving Break Struggles Relatable

December 19, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Sunday evening, post-flights and car rides back to campus, first-year student Michaela and her friends gathered at a booth in the Hieber Café to discuss their week-long breaks. Some rowdy parties and rowdier-still football games were mentioned in the beginning, but as the conversation progressed, what started out as a light chat over Nutella croissants turned into a roast of old friends and family, neither of which introvert and bed-dweller Michaela could relate to.

“My camp friend and I met up for falafel in New York on Monday,” Reilly said.
“Ugh! I love falafel,” Nick cooed.
“OMG! Me and five of my besties went a saw Falafel in the city last Thursday and it was great!”

Michaela added, hoping it would not be obvious that not only had she never heard of falafel, but that her five besties were actually her two dogs, her bed, her Keurig, and her DVD copy of The Notebook.

“Yeah it tasted great,” Reilly continued, “but she wouldn’t stop complaining about how cold she was. It was forty degrees. I go to class in flip flops when it’s forty degrees. I couldn’t relate at all.”

“I feel you, but family was way worse. Thanksgiving dinner blew,” said KC, both palms tight to the table. “As soon as my little sister accidentally bumped into Uncle Steve wearing her ‘A Woman’s Place is in the House and the Senate’ t-shirt, I knew the next seven hours would be pure hell.”

Michaela chimed in,“I know, Thanksgiving is the worst right! This year my cousin Bret got his Batman costume caught on the fence while he was looking for eggs in the backyard, and my Uncle Jim got soooo drunk off the Advent Calendar.” Seeing that her friends were becoming suspicious, Michaela decided to make a run for it before, and before Nick could finish reporting that he and his long distance girlfriend had nothing in common because she joined Phi Mu, she balled up the wax paper her croissant came in, brought it to the trash, then retreated to West Hall to hibernate through the winter.

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Harambe Asks Colgate Republicans to Remove His Name from their GroupMe

December 19, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Representatives from the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Garden have reached out to Colgate College Republicans request- ing that the name of their GroupMe be formally changed in the wake of recent campus scandal. The Cincinnati Zoo was home to America’s favorite deceased gorilla, Harambe.

“Given the success of the Harambe write-in campaign this past election cycle, we do not want to mar Harambe’s image with the lewd remarks made in the College Republican’s GroupMe,” a statement from the Cincinnati Zoo reads. “As such, we ask the College Republicans to disassoci- ate themselves with the Harambe 2016 campaign after which they have so boldly named their controversial group message.”

A GoFundMe page has been created by Harambe lovers to support the Cincinnati Zoo in their efforts. All funds raised by this page will go towards developing “Dank Means Dank,” a pilot program at Colgate University that will aim to better educate the community about the ethi- cal use of overplayed memes.

“Harambe was a symbol of hope in the bleak reality that was all of 2016,” posted one Harambe sympathizer in a Facebook post in the Class of 2017 page promoting the GoFundMe campaign. “We cannot allow his death to be in vain. First they came for the memes, and I did not speak out—because I was not dank…”

The College Republicans could not be reached for statement, but an inside source has claimed that the College Republicans’ GroupMe has since been disbanded entirely because, “Fucking duh.”

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Parents Disturbed to Learn How Good Their Kids are at Drinking

December 19, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Parents of Colgate students nationwide have been shaken to the core upon the return of their first-year students for the holidays. After an entire semester of drinking away their social anxieties and academic insecurities, Colgate first-years from near and far have become diagnosable alcoholics.

 

As students return home from their first semester at college, they are ecstatic to find their parents have relaxed the strict drinking regulations that were implemented during their years in high school. It seems many first-years have been unable to reconcile their family’s casual drinking etiquette with the competitive binge

drinking rituals they have picked up at school.

One source reports that a first-year was seen finishing an entire bottle of wine by herself at an intimate family gathering, taking a knee and drinking the whole bottle in a single chug while fist pumping. When the first-year rose seeking out high-fives and admiration from her family members, she was met only with blank stares.

 

“She’s not even 21, I just don’t understand how she has been able to drink such vast quantities of hard liquor on such a regular basis,” said one first-year mother, who would prefer to remain anonymous. “I even roofied her drink at dinner one night, she wasn’t even fazed!”

Parents reached out to Mark D. Thompson, Interim Vice President and Dean of the College, beseeching Colgate to provide more campus resources for students struggling with alcoholism. Thompson responded

via campus-wide email saying, “Many [students] feel uncertain about the future. Others feel unable to share their beliefs without being ostracized. It is important to note that alcohol can be a useful tool for coping with existential panic. We strive to be an academic commu- nity that allows for friendly competition and drinking in excess on any night of the week. We must, therefore, find constructive ways to engage with one another around racks of Keystone and coolers of jungle juice.”

When parents reached out to the Board of Trustees to comment on the issue of Colgate’s dangerous drinking culture, the Board responded, “The Class of 2020 is full of entitled millennial lightweights.”

Filed Under: News, Student Life, Uncategorized

Student Admits to Not Actually Liking the Song “Closer,” Loses All Friends

October 24, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Expressing feelings of sadness and anger, first-year Colgate student Anna Smith just confirmed that her current lack of friends is completely due to her not liking the song “Closer (feat. Halsey)” by American DJ duo The Chainsmokers.

Recently, Smith was spotted sitting completely alone in Frank Dining Hall, a suspicious sign given that freshmen girls are known to travel in packs. When a reporter reached out to Smith for a comment on her unusual dining situation, she promptly burst into tears and began telling the story of her exile from her friend group.

According to Smith, the incident began during a typical pregame for Freshmen Jug Night. Smith and her friends were busy pouring Frank cranberry juice and flavored Smirnoff into old plastic water bottles when Smith began playing music from her phone. The trouble started when Caroline Roche ’20, who was frantically trying to finish applying her eyeliner, drunkenly shouted, “You know what song I loooove dancing to at the Jug? And put on my snap story like every time I hear it? Closer!” according to Smith.

 

Following Roche’s declaration, the other girls vigorously agreed with her and began peppering Smith with requests to play the song. “After that, you know, I just thought that maybe it would be okay to say ‘Actually, I don’t like that song that much, maybe can we listen to something by Lil Yachty instead?’ But they all just stared at me, and one said, ‘Play the song or get out,’” said Smith as she tried to dry her eyes. “I laughed because I thought they were joking but then Caroline told me that I had to leave her room.” Smith was forced to return to her room while tipsy and alone, missing Freshmen Jug Night. Since the incident, she has not heard from a single one of her friends and is routinely ignored by them around campus.

 

At press time, Smith was beginning to frantically text every group chat that she was a part of saying that she had changed her mind and actually loves the song now.

Filed Under: News, Student Life, Uncategorized

13 Things Better than Brock Turner Lecturing on College Campuses

October 24, 2016 by Leave a Comment

Our first installment of a new series called “Real Things Actually Happening in the World” . . .

Former Stanford swimmer Brock Turner wants to once again impose his will upon innocent college students, only this time it will take place in slightly better-lit areas and he’ll be given a microphone for some reason. That’s right, everybody’s favorite apotheosis of privilege could be coming to a campus near you to share his valuable insights on…hell if we know.

After serving his disturbingly short and later reduced prison sentence, Turner emerged the same irresponsible little shit he was before. Only now, he and his ne’er-do-well family have a plan to clear his name: a lecture series.

When asked why he wanted to do this, Turner resorted to his go-to response: “Challenging drinking culture and promiscuity in higher education” but later commented, “Honestly, they’re [college campuses] just asking for it.” This decision was lauded by California judges (but only the ones who were also college athletes and Stanford graduates) yet notably abhorred by anyone with ears and a tenuous grasp on reality. Given the dubious nature of this decision, The Rag has compiled a list of 13 ideas better than a Turner lecture series.

1. Summering in Syria
2. Eating a Jug dog
3. Snapchatting former Congressman Anthony Weiner
4. Drinking the punch
5. Participating in a Miss Universe Pageant
6. Jill Stein’s presidential bid
7. Attending Trump University
8. Killing Kendrick’s vibe
9. Gazing long into an abyss (for soon it will also gaze into you…) 10. Pissing off a writer at The Rag
11. Setting up a private email server in your bathroom
12. Invading Russia in the winter
13. Buying a Samsung Galaxy Note 7

Filed Under: News, Uncategorized

Exclusive: Presidential Candidate’s Physicals

September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

November 8th is once again approaching with the speed and certitude of a NASCAR crash. This year’s election has been especially unique in the attention paid to our can- didates’ health. In the midst the frenzy, The Rag has taken the time to analyze the hard facts regarding each of their physical exams. The results are as follows:

Donald Trump: Trump’s physical, conducted by a mysterious man who would only identify himself as Dr. Strangelove, painted a particularly orange portrait of a surprisingly healthy man. Despite the years of tanning beds and nefarious activities in lieu of serving in Vietnam, Mr. Trump’s physical was relatively normal. Dr. Strangelove did however add an addendum stating “Mr. Trump has the smallest, most dainty hands of any man, woman, or otherwise I have ever seen in my 30 years of pseudo-medical practice. His other extremities were proportional.”

Hillary Clinton: Secretary Clinton’s physical yielded the following: “error://unit HRC in disrepair due to short circuit. consequences include: coughing spells, fits of latent dishon- esty, and errors in vocal pitch regulation. Contact unit operator @DNCDebbieWassermanSchultz. note:server security is tenuous.end error message.” The message then insisted it was “strictly about yoga and weddings”, deleted itself, and the work/leisure Blackberry it was transmitted on was smashed with a hammer.

Gary Johnson: Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson surprised physicians by attending his physical after having just smoked marijuana. The last comment he made to doctors was “It’s puff, puff, pass, right?”. Johnson was in otherwise perfect health, but exhibited a concentrated amnesia on the subject of Middle Eastern geography.

Jill Stein: The most inconclusive of these exams however was that of Green Party candidate, Jill Stein. Stein was not able to attend her exam as she was ensconced in the only earnest memorial service for Cincinnati’s fallen angel, Harambe the gorilla. May his eternal soul rest in peace.

Filed Under: News

Tinder Doesn’t Always Lead to Successful Relationships

September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Exclusive sources confirm that the popular dating app, Tinder, surprisingly doesn’t always lead to successful relationships at Colgate.

Launched in 2012, it soon became one of the premier dating apps on
the iPhone. Its simple swipe design allows users to easily and efficiently decide between potential matches, making deep emotional connection in a matter of seconds. Users horny in classes, in Case, or sitting on the toilet could simply pull out their phones and hope to connect with a new romantic partner. “The prospect of a quick bone–I mean finding love– is really what brought me to the app,” Jake Jones told our reporters. “I’m one of the nice guys, by the way.”

Recently however, sources say men are becoming more and more disen- chanted with the allures of the dating app. Freshman Will Thomas said, “Sure it’s cool to match with a girl after a couple hundred swipes, but I also want to connect in person. Planning dates to RIG is always fun, but you start to lose interest around the fourth or eighteenth time she flakes.”

These concerning comments from Thomas and from others like him reveal the common disconnect between Tinder’s male and female users. While male users seem to enjoy the idea of a nice hit it and quit it, the majority of women who use the app often have other things to do, such as positively contributing to society.

Filed Under: News

College Dems, Republicans, Host Caucus Night Event; Brawl Ensues

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Campus Safety and Hamilton Police responded to calls at Persson 108 on Monday night, where multiple witnesses say a brutal brawl broke out between members of the College Democrats and College Republicans. The president of the College Republicans, Linus Azov ’16, described the events: “We hosted a joint event with the Dems to watch the Iowa Caucus results, but pretty soon we were all just staring at each other from across the room.” Nobody knows who initiated the fight, but soon both sides were going at it. “All of a sudden I was in a fistfight with someone who was screaming about how liberals were destroying the middle class,” said Dominic DeCocco ’17, a Democrat. Nor were the fights strictly along party lines. “Some guy pushed me against the wall and pressed a butane lighter to my cheek and asked if I ‘Feel the Bern.’ The thing is, I’m not even a Republican!” said Jerry Rivera ’18. The arrival of the Hamilton Police and Campus Safety did little to calm the fracas as students continued to fight. “I arrived just in time to see some kid in a ‘Cruz 2016’ shirt have a chair broken over his head by someone wearing a Jeb! hat,” said Officer David Waters of the Hamilton Police Department. “It was bedlam in there. I’m pretty sure I saw some crazy girl in a Hillary Clinton shirt biting into some poor Rubio supporter’s neck.”

It took police an estimated 30 minutes and two canisters of tear gas to pacify the students. 13 arrests were made. Police attribute the low number of injuries to a lack of alcohol, drugs, or Trump supporters present at the event. Leadership of both clubs confirm that next week’s debate watch party and pub will proceed as scheduled.

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Student Who Went to Music Festival This Summer Still Wearing Wristband

January 30, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—In a surprising display of cultural defiance and stunning bravery, sophomore Kara Barnes was spotted sporting her Lollapalooza wristband eight weeks into the 2015-2016 Academic Year.

The neon pink paper bracelet, crumpled and water-damaged after months of steadfast wear, may go unnoticed to the untrained eye. However, it has left many of her unenlightened classmates asking themselves burning questions such as, “I wonder if she did molly?”, “Is she misunderstood?”, “Why hasn’t that wristband gotten moldy? I mean, she’s been showering and sweating with it on for like three fucking months,” and “Does she defy musical, sexual, and cultural conventions, as her wristband suggests?”

But to the few rare renegades at Colgate, it is a recognizable symbol of divine insurgence to the dull community in which they live.  A few short months ago, this subtle accessory permitted her access to all the hottest bands on the indie scene, and it gave her the opportunity to mesh with like-minded, non- conformist, free-spirited, and other hyphenated groups of individuals. It was the key to enhancing her Instagram presence, and it finally gave her an event to which she could wear her Free People apparel. Here in Hamilton, however, it indirectly proclaims her musical superiority over those who actually like the music played at The Jug. It establishes her as a “cool girl” on campus who rejects homogeneity and scissors. Unencumbered by New England fashion protocol, this Connecticut native replaced her Alex and Ani bracelets with this wristband to say that underneath her vaguely bourgeois exterior lies an unsuspecting anarchist. This statement piece silently screams, “I’M A PREPPY FUCK WHO IS MILDLY DIFFERENT FROM THE REST OF YOU PREPPY FUCKS, AND I WILL MAKE SURE YOU KNOW IT!”

 

Officials are uncertain as to when the wristband will finally be removed, but they remain hopeful that Barnes’s mainstream roommate will collapse under the pressures of Barnes’s passive aggressive actions and perform a vigilante act of justice by ripping off the paper accessory in her sleep.

 

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Mark Zuckerberg to Apologize for Allowing Your Friend’s Parents to Post Their Opinions on the Internet

January 27, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—In a recent press conference, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apologized for creating the tool that has consistently allowed your friend’s parents to post their thoughts and opinions on the internet for you to see.

While Zuckerberg initially created Facebook to connect people and revolutionize communication, he says he had no idea how annoying and stupid your friend’s parents could be. In his words, “I had absolutely no clue how often your friend’s mom would post a detailed description of her plans for the day or how many times your friend’s dad would post a viral video from 3 years ago or an article about a conspiracy theory related to President Obama with the caption ‘This explains everything.’”

Zuckerberg also spent some time discussing how he was completely unaware of your friend’s grandma who comments on various posts and ends her comments with “xoxo grammy,” but admitted that “everyone thinks it’s cute,” and that “it doesn’t hurt anybody.” Zuckerberg even went as far to say that he had never expected grandparents to be more tolerable than parents on Facebook, but it has become clear that parents are indeed the most annoying people on the site.

Facebook was founded over eleven years ago, and while this apology is long overdue, it has been much appreciated by the millions of young Facebook users around the world who are friends with their friends’ parents. Whether or not Zuckerberg will plan to implement an option to specifically hide all posts from all of your friends’ parents on the website and app is still unknown.

Filed Under: News, Uncategorized Tagged With: , ,
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