HAMILTON, NY— In a moving display of religious devotion, junior Jeremy Walker participated in the Christian holiday of Easter by reenacting the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Walker began his reenactment after his Friday 10:20 class by participating in a Century Challenge with his roommates. Walker recalled to a Rag reporter that he first became “blackout” around 12:45 on Friday afternoon. He followed this commencement with 48 consecutive hours of binge drinking and napping, until he was woken up on Sunday morning with a text from his mother reading, “Where r u? we r here! :-)”

Walker recalled an almost electric shock running through his body, immediately waking him from his drunken, lifeless stupor. He frantically pulled on his most pastel-shaded outfit and hustled to hide his liquor bottles and alcohol paraphenalia before his mother, father, and younger sister opened his door to see him cradling an armful of red Solo cups and empty bags of Ruffles with a wide-eyed look on his face. Walker reported his mother’s immediate shock and concern over the state of his room and his disheveled appearance. He was confronted with questions like, “Did you forget that we have Mass in a half hour?”, “Why does this sweater smell like the Devil’s lettuce?”, and “Goddammit, Jeremy, why do you insist on tearing this family apart?”

Walker reportedly paused for a while before finally coming up with an answer. He responded, “Uh, I was just . . . uh, doing it for Jesus, you know? Like drinking his blood and eating his body, like at Slices, and stuff. So I blacked out for like three days before Easter because that’s what Jesus did, right? I was just trying to pay tribute to his, uh, memory.” Walker paused for a moment before fearfully glancing up to see his parents’ reactions. After a slight pause of consideration, Jeremy’s mother, Lisa Walker, broke down into joyful tears. She cried out in delight, “Thank God! I thought I had raised an alcoholic!” before wrapping the whole family in for a group hug. Jeremy’s parents, John and Lisa Walker, were reportedly thrilled with their son’s affirmation and celebration of his faith, saying, “We were so afraid that he would lose touch with his faith in college, but it’s really encouraging to see how his relationship with God has only grown stronger.”

The family proceeded to Easter Mass at the local church, where Walker threw up twice in the bathroom. After the ceremony, the Walkers went for brunch at the Colgate Inn, after which they departed for home in Albany. When asked if he had any final reflections about his spiritual reenactment, Walker said, “Honestly, the fact that I made it through this visit is the real miracle.”

Mud covers the ground, Spring fills the air, and another Dirty Rush season is upon us. That time of the year when a Fraternity might accidentally only let Freshman guys into the Wednesday golf party they forgot to register, and the administration is somehow oblivious to the fact that half of the First Year class has decided to gather under the Curtis Clock on a Sunday afternoon. This can a stressful time for many young men, but do not fear, the Monthly Rag has assembled a list of tips to make sure you get a bid to the house of your choice.

1. Pick a few houses to focus on early, and show them you are interested

Most guys will try to play it cool and shop around, but the best way to secure a bid is to pick a house or two to focus on and tell every other frat that you “can’t see yourself with them.” One way to demonstrate your interest is to show up to the house unannounced and introduce yourself to the guys. Best to go on one of their brotherhood nights or during a chapter meeting so you can be sure to meet all the guys. Another great way is to go to the Bookstore and buy some of their apparel. Wear it around campus to show them you want them AND tell everyone else that you are taken.

2. Make sure you know when and where events are happening

Wait until late one night when the guys are pretty drunk, ask to give someone your number, and add yourself to the chat under a name like “Little Chico” or “SwagDog69.” This way you can find out about any off campus parties or sorority mixers that are going on and show up. When you do get there, don’t take no for an answer, remember, contacts are everything. Speaking of which…

3. It takes a village, so make sure you have as many contacts at the house as possible

This isn’t just brothers, you can talk to their parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, ex-girlfriends, ex-babysitters, or anyone else who might have come in contact with them. They can lobby the boys on your behalf, and you’ll be swimming in Jello Shots sooner than you can say restraining order.

4. Emphasize how much you have in common with them

Lots of guys in frats used to play football and lacrosse and love boating, golf, and Vineyard Vines. so these are good places to start. However, if you want to make that next level connection emphasize some things you may not have thought of. Tell them how much you love paddling, or how many women find you creepy and aggressive. Say how mush you love to spend time in loud, dark, and uncomfortably moist places like caves, or how you appreciate the beauty of the male form.

5. Be from Connecticut or Westchester County

More than drinking, confidence, or popularity with women, this is the most important skill that you can have. Being the screw-up son of an investment banker from the New York Metro area with alcohol induced rosatia and a prematurely receding hairline is very helpful in many areas of life, but it is particularly useful in rushing a frat. If you have this, you can get into any house of your choosing, even if you didn’t follow the rest of my advice. But if all else fails, you can always just join BDS.

HAMILTON, NY—Discussions about expanding Greek life have been going on for years at Colgate, but the 2016-17 school year has seen students taking greater strides when SGA passed a resolution last fall establishing a dialogue with the administration about this admirable goal. Colgate has been falling miserably behind in party school ranking as Princeton Review’s ranked Colgate #10 out of 380 schools—SGA hopes Greek life expansion will get Colgate back on the right track by ushering in an atmosphere conducive to #1 party-school raging.

Some opposition has surprisingly come from a few Greek members themselves, critiquing the system and their place in it. “Honestly I think everything about Greek life is so problematic,” said Lara Hypolis, “I’m definitely a social justice warrior, and really believe in intersectionality, inclusivity, and equity. I wouldn’t be in my sorority except that I live in the house, so at this point it’s not really my fault.” When Rag reporters questioned Hypolis about her feelings on hypocrisy, Hypolis listed off about a dozen other social justice buzz words before becoming confused and telling our reporters they were white supremacists that needed to check their privilege.

The harshest critiques leveled against Greek life expansion have been focused around the organizations’ exclusivity. To challenge the exclusivity, supporters of the expansion hope that they will create so many fraternities and sororities that every single individual on campus will be unable to resist the overwhelming peer pressure to conform. “We’re thinking about creating fraternities and sororities for faculty and administration members as well,” says SGA senator Cray “CrayCray” Jones Larchmont IV, “Maybe taking their tension out by hazing each other will spare students of faculty’s vindictive grading practices.” Larchmont suggested this at the last meeting with administrators, getting some great feedback after passing a few Natty Lights around with prez Brian. Other expansion ideas include fraternities and sororities for sports teams, political groups, COVE volunteer groups, radio enthusiasts, and deer. The potential of every living creature being shoveled into Greek life on campus may very soon be a reality.

HAMILTON, NY—After recent party-hosting successes such as Jugmas, Kill-A-Keg, and Karaoke Night, local restaurateur John Jug decided to throw a “Desperation Day” party the night before Valentine’s Day.

Prior to the event, Jug did an exclusive interview with a Rag reporter to let us in on what goes into planning a “lit” night at the Jug. “Basically, I know that everyone at this school is single and lonely, especially the freshmen boys who are my main customers. So I realized I had to take advantage of this opportunity to squeeze even more money out of students,” Jug explained.

After conceiving the idea, he drew up a menu of special drinks and came up with deals to draw everyone in. In order to achieve his goal of “getting everyone to black out as fast as possible,” Jug made sure that each drink featured a minimum of three shots, as well as disgustingly sweet mixers in Valentine’s Day colors. He also decided to open the Jug early to give people the best chance possible of finding a date before Valentine’s Day officially began, and he planned to offer half-off shots to any couple that actually managed to plan something for the next day.

Finally, Jug decided to advertise a matchmaking service run by Michelle Jug. “I basically know every student in this school, so I feel like I can help match up people of similar attractiveness and social standing, since that’s all they really care about anyways. And I’ll be there to comfort any students without matches, since everyone seems to view me like their mom,” said Michelle.

Once the event was planned, Jug began advertising the night on his snap story in between selfies of him and his dogs. Some top snaps included, “Desperation Day Party!!! #Lit #Slay,” “Don’t forget to buy a Jug Dog with your drinks,” “Your feelings can’t get hurt if you’re too blacked out to remember,” and “Come find love, just not in the jug seriously get a room.” According to Jug, his embarrassingly long snap stories do work to success- fully advertise events and deals.

At the party itself, just as predicted, the Jug was filled with freshmen too drunk to walk and Michelle had pulled in over $2,000 in cover fees. Community Memorial Hospital confirmed a sharp spike in visits later that night.

HAMILTON, NY—Shock rushed through senior Hannah DeSantos’ bones as she opened an unmarked envelope in her mailbox yesterday. Inside were scandalous pictures from a hidden camera showing the young lady at Slices vomiting against the pinball machine and stumbling about the pizzeria. All were timestamped from 1:30 to 1:42 a.m. There was an attached note which read: “Rough night, huh? Deliver $200 in a brown bag to Slices by midnight tonight or we mail these pictures to your employer.”

The young lady began to panic. “What is this? When did this happen? Oh my gosh, I can’t let these get emailed to Goldman [Sachs], they’ll withdraw their hiring offer!”

Similar events were reported elsewhere across campus. “Aw, shit, who did this?” asked frat brother, John Greenwich ’17, as he looked at a picture of himself entering Slices with a scantily clad blonde girl, that was not his girlfriend, on his arm. His eyes widened as he read the list of demands. “Hell no. Where would I even get some of these things? And why am I supposed to deliver them to Slices?”

An interview with the proprietors of Slices yielded no useful information. “Yeah, we see students in here at their absolute worst all the time, but no, we don’t know anything about any threats,” said that one lady you always see there, before adding, “and nobody can prove otherwise.”

An investigation by Campus Safety was unable to uncover any evidence. “Look, I’ve got my best men on this case, but so far we can’t figure out who is behind this blackmail ring, or any apparent motive,” said investigator Chuck “Campo” Campbell. “Whoever they are, they’re smart enough to outwit Colgate Campus Safety.”

At press time, a visibly shaken, crying freshman was seen with a Molotov cocktail in hand slowly walking towards the window of Pizza Hut. Updates to follow.

HAMILTON, NY—February 14th saw a large portion of the Colgate population walking around campus with their heads down and eyes firmly fixed on the slushy, snow-covered ground. Any attempts at greetings and small talk were met with grunts and suspicious peeks as the addressee hurriedly walked away, and physical contact as trivial as a brush on the arm would be met with a full-body flinch.

When asked about the issue, senior Olivia Hale explained, “It happens every year on Valentine’s Day. No one wants to make eye contact with anyone they’ve randomly hooked up with lest those ten minutes they can’t even remember get misconstrued. And since that includes basically everyone, it’s safest to just keep your eyes down and pray for the day to be over already. It’s not a day for celebration; everyone is suffering.” Hale then started a fifteen-minute diatribe of why Valentine’s Day is a myth perpetuated by consumer-baiting industries targeting insecure couples and shaming healthy sexuality.

Meanwhile, the phenomenon has had serious consequences. Snapchat users with cameras trained on various slippery slopes on campus are complaining that they couldn’t catch any slips that day because everyone was watching their steps. Professors report that the situation severely disrupted their class discussions, where students are usually required to make eye contact and nod along to appear interested in the arguments of whoever did the reading that day.

As the dreaded day drew to a close, seven students were found lost in the woods due to their dedication in staring at the ground while walking around in circles on campus.