DENVER, CO—As Colgate students returned home to spend time with friends and family this Thanksgiving weekend, many were confronted with difficult, if not unanswerable questions. Questions such as: “Who is the boy/girl/dog in this picture, you two look serious?”, “How come you never call?”, “Why did you buy a medieval goblet on my Amazon Prime at 4 in the morning?”, “You pierced your what?” are seemingly common- place and can be adequately answered with, what is in college, a reasonable amount of obfuscation and deceit. However, this Thanksgiving, one Colgate sophomore was asked a question he simply could not answer.

Amid a table filled to the point of collapse with overcooked food, alcohol, and political animus, a daring set of Colgate parents begged the question, “What in the hell is ‘Challenges of Modernity’?” when looking at their son’s transcript. Like any of us would be, this sophomore was speechless. He is, of course, currently enrolled in the course but despite this and his somewhat decent attendance record, no responses were coming to mind.

When interviewed, the sophomore commented, “I knew it was the class with all those books I refused to read… and I remember something about a bunch of required lectures about opera and stuff, but I’ll be damned if I know what all that has in common. Anyone’s guess is as good as mine, really.”

At this already impeccably tense, supposedly community-oriented dinner, however, anyone’s guess was simply not going to be good enough. The student panicked. Blurted out, “It’s about modern literature and how it relates to living in the 21st century!”. When asked what that meant, the student consulted his syllabus and directed his parents to the Schmoop summary of “On the Genealogy of Morality”. They were ultimately impressed that a person so young could pretend to read such a pretentious book, and decided that their tuition payments were going to good use.

While it still remains a mystery what exactly “Challenges of Modernity” is, this encounter may bring us as a Colgate community one step closer to understanding.

HAMILTON, NY—The campus community erupted with outrage on Thursday night when Abby Karr ’20 was caught in the act, drinking a glass of white wine in her Curtis double. Her roommate called 911 at 8:31 P.M. and responders arrived at the scene at 8:34 P.M. The police reported that she viciously resisted arrest, going so far as to ask them questions and even cry as they handcuffed her. A crowd had amassed in Curtis hallways as rumors of the criminal were quickly flying around campus; students booed and threw rotten vegetables at Karr as police dragged her from the building.

While the administration attempted to keep the scandal under wraps, major media outlets soon caught wind and descended upon campus. Fox News has been streaming live footage from a helicopter for the past week. In CNN’s exclusive interview with Karr’s roommate, Beth Sawyer broke down into tears, sobbing “I didn’t really know her, but I remember she said once she didn’t think drinking was that big of a deal. Good God, how was I supposed to know she wasn’t joking?” Protests have broken out across campus as students beg the administration to expel Karr from Colgate. A junior student told Rag reporters his personal experience dealing with the scandal saying, “Alright, so there are some bad things about Colgate. You get your bigot here and there, an almost worthless EGP process, and maybe a few casual drug scandals. But underage drinking? That’s crossing the goddamn fucking line, and we won’t tolerate it.”

The administration has been taking a lot of heat as investigators work to figure out where Karr could have gotten her hands on alcohol, and worst, if there is a chance that underage drinking has happened before on campus. Colgate’s administration issued a formal apology in the New York Times, promising to crack down on this behavior by hiring 113 new Campus Safety officers. Karr is currently being held in a maximum security prison awaiting her court date, scheduled for 6 A.M. on Christmas Eve.

HAMILTON, NY—The Economics Department recently announced that local icon and community figure, John Jug, will deliver a lecture as part of Colgate’s Economics Seminar Series. Jug has been a cornerstone in the Hamilton community for generations, largely due to his substantial economic success attained as an entrepreneur of the local establishment, the Old Stone Jug. From his beginnings in the restaurant industry, he has secured the status of a mogul in the world of business and economics, and among his many notable achievements, he is also a rumored candidate for the Secretary of Commerce in Trump’s upcoming cabinet, due to his extensive experience with handling students’ sweaty dollar bills.

John Jug has also been the recipient of many local and national awards recognizing his economic and community achievements, including Ernst & Young’s Entrepreneur of the Year in 2014, Atlantic Council’s Global Citizen Award in 2009, an MTV Music Video Award in 2002, the Guinness World Record for “World’s Largest Storage Unit Filled With Cash,” which he seized from Pablo Escobar, the key to the Village of Hamilton, and a lifetime VIP card to the Jug, which he gave to himself.

Chair of the Economics Department, Professor Sparber, said of the lecturer, “It’s truly an honor to be able to listen to John Jug speak. He’s a pioneer and a legend in the field, and he is the inspiration behind my own research and interest in business and economics.”

Jug ‘s lecture is titled, “Jug Dogs and Dollar Bills: Critical Reflections
on Transnational Organized Crime, Money Laundering, and Corruption.” The event will be held in Persson 27 on December 16th and will be catered by N13.

HAMILTON, NY—Still shaking with fear and anger from his recent confrontations with differing viewpoints, Luke Erickson ’18, the leader of a student group at Colgate, explained the group’s rationale for creating a new safe space on campus.

Erickson reportedly first saw signs of the need for the safe space following the recent U.S. Presidential Election. According to Erickson, most of the members of the group that he now leads supported candidate Donald Trump during the election and were happy to see him win. However, they were filled with dismay upon seeing the administration’s official response to the election, which they believed offered too much emotional support and did not acknowledge that some students at Colgate supported Trump.

“Yeah, I guess the administration thinks we are all a bunch of ‘special snowflakes’ with socialist views who can’t handle not getting their way a single time,” said Erickson. “I’m disgusted that they felt we all needed to be coddled like that.” In response, the anti-coddling students tentatively formed a group chat in which they could talk about their feelings. Erickson described it as a “supportive, accepting atmosphere where we could talk trash about stupid liberals and their safe spaces all we wanted.”

Unfortunately, trouble began when their group chat was invaded by the so-called liberal oppressors of Colgate, and the students’ conversations were exposed for everyone to see. One group member, Lillian Smith ’20, explained that “It was very violating to have what we thought was a private space opened up to the whole school. Even worse, we had to talk to lots of other students with different views after the incident.” After seeing the intense emotional harm inflicted on his fellow group members, Erickson decided that the only logical next step was to create an official safe space where no liberals could interfere with their productive dialogue and feeling-talks. “Ideally, we would have a whole room reserved just for us and filled with ‘Trump 2016’ signs so that our students would truly feel safe shitting on safe spaces as much as they need. We’ll see if the commies who run this school accept our reasonable request.”

At press time, Erickson was seen consoling another student who had just suffered a social media assault from another horrible, righteous, liberal snowflake, which only furthered the urgency of his cause.

HAMILTON, NY—Wanted for Immediate Employment: Cute fall-festive guy to engage in romantic relationship, potentially coitus, for the duration of the autumn season. Employer is average-looking freshman girl, 5’8”, 135 lbs, fun, bubbly personality. Contract ends December 21, 2016 (first day of winter). Extension for winter season possible, decisions will be made on a case-by-case basis.

Duties include day outings to pumpkin patches, apple orchards, and corn mazes, wearing a hot, but still cute, couples Halloween costume, photographing employer during outings, and posing for photos with employer that will be edited, filtered, and posted to Instagram in a timely manner. Participation in No Shave November will nullify the contract, unless the scruff gives off a sexy lumberjack vibe. Fulfills 1 Physical Education Requirement; contact your advisor for more information.

Requirements: Smell like a pumpkin spice latte. Flannels and Bean boots encouraged. Photography experience recommended. Applicants will be evaluated on physical looks and not much else. Submit a copy of your headshot and resume to thirstygurl@colgate.edu by October 21, 2016 for consideration.