HAMILTON, NY—Noting that he is not on a sports team or part of Greek life, GDI and Colgate Junior Tanner Durant of Austin, TX has applied to be a part of Konosioni, seeking some semblance of social status. “Yeah, I really missed the boat on the whole Greek Life thing. I used to be part of a sports team back then, but now I don’t really have anything that matters around here.” Durant, who does not come from an exceptionally wealthy family and is not from the Northeast, desperately tried to apply to Konosioni. “I figure it’s my last hope for being part of any sort of relevant group here–and I use ‘relevant’ pretty liberally. I don’t think I’m that privileged, so that’ll definitely help my case.” The Texas GDI stated that all the bullshit administrative and philanthropic work for Kono might be worth it if he could just earn validation from his classmates. “I mean, it’s not like Kono is really respected, but it might look good on a resume, and who knows, maybe I can impress a few people with it around here.” Durant went on to say that while it was no substitute for being in a fraternity, maybe, just maybe, being part of the old honors society might make up for his lack of social integration and non-Tri-State place of birth. “Yeah, I could definitely see myself as part of Kono,” he said, looking more and more nervous as he considered his unimpressive resume and lack of leadership positions. “This is really what I need so I can be just one of the boys.” Reports indicate that Durant was not selected to join the honors society, however when reached for comment he stated, “Eh, it seems lame anyway.”
Student Blacks Out, Does Volunteer Work
HAMILTON, NY—This past Friday afternoon, Julia Blackmon ‘16 decided to celebrate the weekend after getting out of her 12:20 with some of her friends. According to sources close to Julia, her drink of choice was tequila. After she drank a bit too much, Blackmon was found tutoring students in math at Hamilton Central School at 3:30 in the afternoon.
“Ugh, I rarely drink too much,” said Blackmon, “but when I do, I always do shit I would never think of doing otherwise.” Blackmon thinks of herself as a hard-working student who likes to spend time with her friends and enjoy the outdoors. However, like many Colgate students, Blackmon would never consider taking an afternoon to do any sort of volunteer work.
“Tequila makes some people angry, for others it makes them cry, and for Blackmon it makes her go do volunteer work in the community,” commented Valerie Teller, a friend of Blackmon’s. Teller recalled one time at 3am on Saturday when they found Blackmon completely incoherent and planting a flower garden in the backyard of Delta Upsilon. Says Teller, “It’s really becoming a problem. She needs to get help before she becomes a public servant or joins the Peace Corps or something.”
Blackmon’s friends are planning an intervention to take place in the coming weeks. In unrelated news, Hamilton Central School is looking for new math tutors.
SGA Presidential Candidates Revealed
HAMILTON, NY—With election season around the corner, we thought we’d give you a quick update on the 3 Colgate presidential candidates and what they are offering for the student body. We hope that everyone will use the below information to align themselves with a specific candidate and come out to vote!
Brian Saunders: If Brian is elected president, no one will pay for tuition. The money will come from somewhere, but no one will pay for it. In addition, Brian would like everyone to know that he attended the sit-in for a few hours, so he also supports racial equality. Brian’s campaign is also characterized by a big Broad Street reform, which focuses on breaking apart powerful organizations. In the end, Mr. Saunders expressed that he wants everyone to #feelthebrian, a slogan which few students are comfortable with.
Helen Clifford: Helen for Colgate is the slogan for Ms. Clifford’s campaign. While she stands in the shadow of her boyfriend, a former SGA president, Ms. Clifford wants the students to know that she is ready to take on the challenge. Helen promises to fix literally everything. We’ll see how that goes. Though, according to Ms. Clifford herself, you should vote for her, because “you’re really going to vote for one of the other two guys?”
Dan Trufont: Dan Trufont has vowed to make this campus great again. He believes International students are unfairly stealing many spots that belong to unqualified American students. For those looking to learn more, Mr. Trufont will be holding a rally supporting alumni at the same time as a debate that the school is organizing. Supposedly he will not be debating the other candidates due to an ongoing feud with Dean Nelson, one of the moderators. Supposedly she was mean to him one time.
Mathematics Department Determines that You’re Going to Die
HAMILTON, NY—The Colgate University Mathematics department has been hard at work compiling recent data from a probability study. The study looked at all of the different ways you might die, and the department determined that you will eventually die.
“We have all been told something along the lines of: the chances of getting killed by lightning are 1 in 10 million or the odds of getting killed by a shark are 1 in 500 million,” said Professor Matt Probst. “Therefore, we decided to add up all of those probabilities to see what the chances of dying are.”
After adding up every possible situation, Probst told us that there is a one hundred percent chance that you are going to die within 125 years of the day you were born. When further discussing the study, Probst mentioned the reality of just how many different ways you might die. He explained that there were some situations they hadn’t originally considered but had to factor in such as death by sheep (1 in 4 billion) and death by carrot juice over-consumption (1 in 7 billion). He went on to say that he wasn’t originally sure what the final probability of you dying would be, but that he’s happy with the number of 100%.
Finally, Probst shared hopes that other groups will perform the same study to see if the results can be replicated. He is confident that his department was thorough with its report, and looks forward to publishing the study in an upcoming American Mathematical Society journal.
Colgate Community Decides Climate Change is A Good Thing
HAMILTON, NY—Top professors and respected students met last Tuesday to discuss the topic of climate change. They focused on how climate change has impacted the University and what steps the University has taken to mitigate these effects. After a rather short deliberation they came to the conclusion that climate change has only had positive effects on the Colgate community. After the unseasonably warm months of December and January, student and professor morale has been spectacular. Even the Frank sandwich lady was overheard saying, “These damn kids aren’t that bad.”
The committee suggested a revised plan on Colgate’s climate change strategy. The new plan consists of only serving non-local foods in Frank, supplying quadruple-ply toilet paper, and having a weekly trash burning ceremony on Whitnall field. One committee member commented on the new plan, “Our aim is to increase our carbon output in order to ensure the long term student and faculty well being in future winters.” There has been little outcry against this new plan as everyone has been too busy enjoying the weather over the past couple weeks. All signs point to a Colgate community focused on doing everything in its power to make sure the hole in the ozone layer only grows larger.
Student Pushes New World View On Friends, Only Went to DC
HAMILTON, NY—Upon returning from abroad, students have mixed emotions. Some are happy to see their friends and families. Some are sad to have left a great experience behind them. Some are angry that they now must return to the sub-par Americanized versions of the food they enjoyed abroad. And lastly, some just will not shut the fuck up about their experiences in another place. Colgate senior Max Breidenstein spoke to the Rag about his current frustrations with a friend who returned from Washington, DC this fall.
Breidenstein states, “Yeah, Eric and I were really close. But then, I went to Nepal for my semester abroad, and he went to Washington, DC. Don’t get me wrong, I talk about abroad sometimes, but like seriously Eric won’t shut the fuck up about the national mall and meeting the children of diplomats. He keeps saying shit like, ‘You don’t know how good we have it in Hamilton, people go hungry in DC.’”
We reached out to Eric, in hopes of understanding the situation a bit better. When we asked about his abroad experiences, Eric mused, “You have no idea though. I am forever changed by DC. And just so you know—what they say about culture shock is so real—I am still adjusting to life back in Hamilton. A lot of my abroad friends are back at Colgate, which is great, but like, man I am going to miss DC. It is unlike any other place I have been before. It was like, exotic.”
If you have plans to go abroad, we at the Monthly Rag wish you safe travels and a healthy sense of self-awareness.
Hamilton Declared Mecca for Pizza and Haircuts
HAMILTON, NY—US News & Travel has recently ranked the humble village of Hamilton the Number One Upstate New York Mecca for Pizza and Haircuts.
For decades, thousands of people from all over Upstate New York have flocked to the village at the heart of the Chenango Valley to sample the many pizzas the village has to offer. Only in the past fifteen years, however, has it become part of the pilgrims’ ritual to receive a cut-and-color during the trip. Residents and Colgate students alike are hardly surprised by the high recognition.
Says Colgate senior Tessa Late, “I mean, yeah, duh. I live downtown, and I’m basically like a pizzatarian. That’s all I ever eat. Not that I mind at all. Slices forever.” A local Hamiltonian who wished to remain anonymous commented, “Sure, people come from all over to get their hair cut here. We’ve got plenty of places to go. Every woman with a generic first name and a pair of scissors owns their own hair salon in Hamilton.”
While the US News & Travel ranking has the village in high spirits, it is only a matter of time before the annual bloody death match among pizzeria owners to determine who will be rated Zagat’s Number One Pizza to Literally Die For.
Rural Dictionary: A First-Year’s Guide to all Things ‘Gate
It can be tough to understand the lingo at Colgate and the significance behind it all, so we decided to provide an extensive guide for first years to help with the confusion.
22 Utica St. Café: Establishment that consistently takes over half an hour to top lettuce with dressing.
Bacon: Delicious breakfast meat, also place to get 3 shots of vodka with cranberry juice for $4.
Bean Boots: Footwear of choice for winter months (i.e. the vast majority of the year).
Chapel House: Small, quiet space appropriately located across from the cemetery. It has been said that some people never leave, or visit. Also a study space that frequently serves fresh-baked cookies.
Chipwich: Cookie ice cream sandwich, campus favorite.
Donovan’s: On campus pub, which consistently aims to please yet leaves the student body underwhelmed.
“DT”: Abbreviation for downtown, refers to the deadly intersection of 5 streets.
Jug: Seemingly unintelligible space, ridden with inebriated students (young, lonely males in particular) who exhibit primal instincts devoid of morality or reason.
Link Staff: Group of hyperactive, overexcited individuals, often found throwing balls with questions on them at unsuspecting families and new students. Hated by everyone but Link Staff.
Maroon News: Shit and the blotter.
Monthly Rag: Most informative news source on campus
No. 10 Tavern: Nichol’s, freshman bar, family-friendly restaurant.
Persson Steps: University effort to keep the student body active.
Residential Life: Branch of administration, works to ensure that students are in no way satisfied with their living conditions for four long years.
Slices: Establishment frequented by students prior to arrival at the aforementioned Jug, also frequented after visiting the Jug, or both before and after.
Chartwells: Infamous food provider for Colgate; consumption of Chartwells provided food has often been associated with a variety of negative side effects that are often found on the label of a bottle of Pepto-Bismol.
Taylor Lake: Public swimming pool, recycling bin, co-ed urinal.
Student at Fitness Center Watches TV
HAMILTON, NY—Reports indicate that this past Tuesday at 4:15 pm Colgate senior Donny Finch, who does not have access to cable television in his off campus apartment, entered Trudy Fitness Center, swiped his Gatecard, walked to the upper level, stood on a treadmill, and just watched some classic NBC re-runs.
Finch, who seems to have a high tolerance for local commercials, proceeded to stand still for a full hour and a half as he watched an episode of Law and Order: SVU with an intense, unbroken focus that other gym goers described as “merciless,” “harrowing,” and “kind of appalling given the low quality of entertainment he was consuming.” Other students were reportedly upset with Finch, because every other treadmill was in use. However, when they asked him to step off the treadmill he just shushed them by putting his index finger on their mouth and asking that they not interrupt him and wait their turn like everyone else. Finch finished the zero mile run with style and finesse in just under 62 minutes.
When asked for a comment Finch told reporters, “That was refreshing. There’s nothing like a quick trip to the gym to keep your blood pumping through exam week.” Ever an inspiration to us all, Finch has indicated that he will be back next week to catch an all day marathon of HGTV’s House Hunters.
Matt Leone Not Present at Colgate Event, Apocalypse Imminent
HAMILTON, NY—Students are being held captive by fear after the shocking news has emerged that last weekend, beloved Professor Matt Leone was not present at an open mic held in Donovan’s Pub.
Although the music lasted for a gracious three hour span of time, Professor Leone was nowhere to be found throughout the entire event. This signals the first and only time that the ever-amiable professor has missed any of the innumerable events held on Colgate’s campus.
While this story is still unfolding, it is with a heavy heart that this reporter must indicate that an apocalypse is undoubtedly in the forecast. The absence of Professor Leone from this student-centric art and music event no doubt signals the end of times. Students are urged to do what they can to keep safe as blood falls from the sky, the branches of trees on Willow Path turn into snakes, and Taylor Lake remains just as disgusting as always.
Reports indicate that leaders of Colgate Interfaith have been praying to the heavens for protection from the fearsome events soon to unfold. Professor Leone could not be reached for comment as he was busy riding his bike around town, spreading cheer.
The Monthly Rag 