HAMILTON, NY — Lace up your Supergas, put on the best ripped jeans you own and order some odd-shaped rose-colored glasses on Amazon. Its girls dirty rush szn! What does that entail, you might ask? Here at the Rag, we have the answers. We’ve put together this handy guide to help freshmen and confused upperclassmen alike with the process known as sorority dirty rush. For the woefully confused, let’s get a few basics out there: Dirty rush is all about getting hammered with people you barely know and just hoping that someone was sober enough to remember your name or at least save your phone number. The more ‘pregames with friends’ you get invited to, the better shape you’re in. Come fall, rushee’s can use the connections they made to get a bid because of your conversation skills, and totally not because you and Becky in Kappa went to the same High School in Westchester. Here are some tips from a junior girl who asked to remain anonymous. “First, you should totally try to dress to match the group you’re hanging out with”, she said. “The more people who are confused if you’re a sister or not, the better”. The junior continued on, advising freshmen to keep an ear out for these key phrases: “Omg i love your outfit”, “wanna come pregame with my friends???” and “Heyyy, so where are you from” which, she told The Rag, are all symbols that you’re on the right track to get invited to dirty rush events. A vast difference from being invited ‘down to the house to play with the bros’, dirty rushing for girls is all about pretending you haven’t talked to any other groups when really you’ve been to 5 different pregames in the past week and you lost track of the number of times you’ve answered the question “so where do you think you want to rush next year?”. Finally, it’s crucial to play it cool: never refer to an event as a dirty rush, everyone knows it’s just ‘hanging out with my upperclassmen friends’. Feel free to use this handbook liberally, and don’t forget to thank The Rag during recruitment next year when you’re light years ahead of the fucking losers who didn’t dirty rush.
Students Skip Class to Avoid Game of Thrones Spoilers
HAMILTON, NY — Over the past several weeks multiple professors have entered their Monday classes to find a staggeringly low number of students. While typically most don’t find a 9 am detox cum Legacies a particularly invigorating way to start their week, even in classes with 15% participation grade, large portions of the Colgate population were absent for their $200-a-session desk-nap. Professors and staff (who had begun an underground black-market based on reselling of hungover students the Juul pods they left in common rooms over the weekend) began to severely investigate the origin of these staggering low student turn-out.
“At first I thought they had just forgotten where the classroom was,” an introductory-economic professor stated, “it wouldn’t be the first time, last semester a half dozen of them forgot how stairs worked and just sat in the entryway of Pearson’s for three days. But after a while I noticed that those absent would usually show up to Wednesday and Friday classes, and I figured it was too much of a coincidence that they got lost the same day every week.”
Through the deep, underground, hard-hitting investigative skills members of the Rag staff had gained via osmosis of playing Clash of Clans in the chapel during the Anne Curry coloqueim, we were able to determine the real reason why students weren’t showing up to their regularly attended courses: Game of Thrones.
“People just won’t shut the fuck up!” one of the absent students (who would only give their fursona name so will be left anonymous cause we don’t fuck with that) said as a justification for their refusal to attend Monday classes, “I’m sorry I don’t have HBOfuckingGO like the rest of you, I have to wait till Tuesday before the Bosnian ear porn website I pirate it from posts it. It’s the only place to get a quality high-definition so I can count each hair on Samwell Tarly’s neck beard, I won’t settle to watch it any other way. But that means I have to wait a whole 48 hours to watch and by then people won’t stop spoiling it. I have to stay in seclusion.”
Several particularly (obsessively?) dedicated fans (freaks?) have begun bunkering themselves in the tunnels under Olin to ensure absolute seclusion and avoidance of potential pricks who may ruin the show that gives their lives some semblance of meaning. Armed to the teeth with cosplay weaponry and noise-cancelling headphones, they call themselves the Sunday Nights Watch, sworn to protect themselves from plot spoiler until they too can watch the show and spoil it for everyone else sainly invested in this overrated, televised Dungeons and Dragons with boobs.
Abandoned Condom Inspires New Cult in Gatehouse
HAMILTON, NY — “I couldn’t believe it,” explained freshman Buddy “Butt” Stuff, “the used condom had been there for an upwards of eleven hours, and every time I stared at it, it stared right back at me.”
The now-dubbed “Gatehouse Cult Condom” gained rapid recognition as a local celebrity due to its amazing charisma in the face of adversity and its willingness to help those in need; but, just as quickly as it had arrived, God decided that He needed that angel back.
“I remember the first time I met GCC,” stated another freshman who wished to remain anonymous. “It was there, right in the middle of the hall, right after I failed my mid-term and attempted to drink my sorrows away with some pruno I made in the bathroom. In my drunken state, I began talking to it, and minutes became hours. It listened to me—cared for me, even. It was absolutely miraculous.”
Over time, the Gatehousers made offerings to the condom, giving it miscellaneous goods like Backwoods and food from the Coop. Once its influence spread past the hastily-built student barracks, however, GCC’s following began to change from lost and wary spirits to indoctrinated zealots, defending the front-sock’s honor voraciously.
“At one point, we had established guard patrols to ensure that no one would touch our Lord GCC. It took 23 of Colgate’s best janitors to power through our goat-sacrificing ceremony and finally throw him into the trash about four feet away,” explained Stuff.
And despite the condom’s eventual end, it appears to have left a secret society in its wake, known only as the “Colgate Condom Cult,” or Tri Chi, Triple X, Iple Tri, TC, Trix, Chi Chi Chi, and the onomatopoetic “ckckck.” Very little is known about this mysterious group, save for their first ritual: eating an entire pack of Trojans.
We here at the Rag were lucky enough to interview one of the founders of Tri Chi, who explained the oddity of their central symbol: “I mean, yeah, it’s kind of fucking stupid that our deity is a used dickwrap, but when you think about it, it doesn’t seem that bad. I mean, what’s Tri Delt’s thing? A fucking dolphin? These symbols don’t mean anything, nor do the handshakes, nor does your college social status at a school of roughly 3,000 people. It’s pointless, and you’re all trying too hard. Beta even tried to be that kid who’s like, ‘Fuck you guys, I have a dragon.’ Eat shit, idiot; dragons aren’t real. Condom God.”
One can see the mythological Tri Chi as many things: some view it as ironic anti-Greek sentiments taken form; others consider it to be a breath of fresh air in Colgate’s stale social scene. All that can be confirmed about the organization itself, however, is that its charismatic messiah will never be forgotten. GCC’s burial will be held at the Madison County Solid Waste Dump in Canastota, NY, and all donations at said event will go directly to efforts in distributing condoms across the globe; this single action is projected to immediately place Tri Chi at the head of all philanthropic activity at Colgate, beating out unarguably rigorous competition in the process.
Health Center Reports Shocking Rates of Nerf-Related Injuries
HAMILTON NY — “It just whooshed passed me so quick,” says Vulner Able ’22, a Drake Hall resident, of his dangerously close encounter with a Nerf bullet. “I can’t eat, I can’t sleep… I’m living in fear of the violence.” Able provided this harrowing tale to Rag reporters at the scene of a reckless Nerf gun shootout which began in the Drake 3rd floor common room at about 8:30 PM on Wednesday, March 6th, and which has yet to subside weeks later. The shootout was reportedly started by two local Nerf gun owners, Tru- leigh A. Threatte and Literalleigh Ruth Lesse in desperate pursuit of entertainment within the confines of the usually peaceful and safe dormitory walls. What started, however, as a banterous bullet exchange between friends quickly escalated to become a source of dorm-wide distress. The shootout, which now reportedly involves tens of Drake residents, has devastated the Ciccone Commons community; the estimated death toll now exceeds 4,000.
The Rag reached out to the CL on duty on that first evening for some more details. “It isn’t the agonizing, hideous welts that have formed on my body as a result of my being mercilessly pegged every time I leave my room,” expresses the CL, who has opted to remain anonymous. “It isn’t the sight of the countless of my fallen residents, whose injured bodies litter the hallway, either. What gets me is the constant, maniacal fucking screeching.” His eyes deaden as he describes the haunting sounds that escape the mouths of the (nerf) gunmen as they shower their peers with bullets.
A video taken by a fearful bystander during the initial incident captures some of these haunting, inhuman vocalizations. We took this footage straight to our on-hand team of behavioral specialists to get some answers. After careful study of the footage by our team, essential questions were raised. “What the fuck is this, a joke?” inquired one member of the team. After hours of examining the video, the team concluded their investigation by using the footage to create a music video with an auto tuned compilation of the screeches as a melody. “It’s a bop, honestly,” said the Chief Behavioral Specialist of their production.
No further action has reportedly been taken to stop the violence, though the situation worsens with each passing day. “I heard they got another shipment of Nerf bullets on Amazon yesterday. The kind with the suction cups at the front,” an anonymous Drake resi- dent and mother of five wept in the arms of a Rag reporter. The situation is evidently very grim. Stay indoors, Ciccone Commons residents, or risk a dangerous death by Nerf.
New Music System at Frank Excites Student-Robbers
HAMILTON, NY — At approximately 9 in the morning on Friday, March 15, the Colgate community was rocked by scandal. Someone had, once again, stolen a loaf of white bread from Frank.
“I just don’t feel safe anymore. First it was bread. Just bread. But the rush of stealing that loaf evaporated quickly. Then they started stealing trays of food. Then came furniture. The rush from stealing all that stuff will eventually evaporate, too. What’s going to happen when it does? What will these looters do? Who will protect us?” first-year Kiera Franks said.
The March 15th loaf heist was the 60th robbery of the month. Among the other items to be stolen were: avocados, “mixie” cups, trays of fries, whole pizzas, a napkin dispenser, 9 chairs, 3 small “mahogany” tables, 2 doors, and 10 salad bowls. The Rag sent an undercover journalist to infiltrate the team of robbers to understand these thefts.
“Holy shit. This was exhilarating. I stole a napkin dispenser. Do I know why? No. Do I regret it? No, that shit was fucking thrilling. This has definitely opened up some career possibilities for me; I want to feel that goddamn rush again,” the anonymous undercover Rag journalist said.
Despite the reluctance to disclose the information with the reputable Rag, the undercover journalist eventually shared the information that they had gathered. “You guys are blowing up my spot, ya know. Fucking dicks. Okay, fine. It’s damn freshmen: drunk freshmen, hungry freshmen, bored freshmen, poor freshmen who steal food for upperclassmen,” the journalist said.
After reaching an agreement of anonymity, the ringleader of the thieving operation agreed to an interview. “No one reads this shit anyway. I’ll fucking tell you what I’ll steal next—a TV. Fuck that new music system. They don’t even have Thotiana. How am I supposed to get these hoes to bust down when there’s no goddamn Blueface blaring through Frank? I’m providing a service here. I’m bettering Colgate, saving it from itself,” the ringleader said.
The theft has yet to take place, but Frank employees are ready. “Take it, take them all. Please. That noise is grating. It’s incessant. I can’t put up with that and drunk, horned up, teenagers at 2 a.m.” said Frank cashier Fleming Jay.
SGA Fails at Adequately Providing Student Body with Free Chik-Fil-A
HAMILTON, NY — Midterms week is full of students debating whether or not to Jug and get that hook up or to study for the test they are going to half-ass anyways. Two weeks out, SGA started advertising their Chick-Fil-A study break, as if students needed an excuse to stop studying. Freshman Dick Richardson stated, “the seducing flyers and Instagram stories sent out by all the hot SGA members confirmed that I was going to skip the Jug because I was promised meat. I was unsure what kind of meat I was getting, but hey, any meat is good.” Monday March 4th was the day: the day of the meat. Freshman Sally Dunkin stated, “I camped out at the Coop for days to get my Chick-Fil-A and want to know what happened? The meat was not secured.” SGA failed again. Brian Cummings, president of the freshman class, stated “we ordered over 400 pieces of meat, $600 worth, and we were dumbasses once again and failed to realize how many people needed meat on a Monday night. To be quite honest, we were thinking all the horny-ass freshman dudes were going to shotgun 13 beers to gain their confidence to secure their meat at the Jug”. What kind of meat was he talking about? Good question, we asked, and Cummings stated “Jug dogs? Definitely not. Jug dogs are only purchased to flock the ladies.”
Anyways, back to the story: SGA failed again. The line was long; people were angry. As SGA realized how much of a shit-show they got themselves into once AGAIN, the night got worse. The meat was rationed; your choice was either 4 nugs or 2 strips, plus all the sauce us saucy kids like. Sophomore Ryan Park stated, “I am so glad I was able to secure the nugs for free, rather than spending $5 for the unsure hookup.” There were fewer nugs than people. The Jug was packed later that evening due to the unforeseen meat shortage. Note to self: do not go to SGA events, unless you want to waste your time for the chance at “free” food. It is not quite free because you’ll waste your goddamn time—the time you could be using fucking an SGA member.
SPW Preparations: How to Not Die
HAMILTON, NY — In April, Spring Party Weekend AKA: SPW AKA: the Reason 42.0% of Colgate Students Attend Colgate 2k19 will take place. With another SPW comes another class of first-years and transfers to experience the weekend festivities for the first time.
“SPW is wild. Can you see this? In my mouth right here? That empty space between my incisors right there in the top row? SPW ’17. God, I love this school,” the class of 2020’s probable Salutatorian Hunter Warbucks said.
The first thing to do in preparation for your inaugural SPW is calling your mother. “I hadn’t talked to my mom in, like, 3 months. Calling her from Community Memorial Hospital to ask my blood type was definitely not how I wanted to reopen that line of communication. I cannot stress this enough—know your blood type before SPW,” Jenny Hawkins, class of 2021, said.
After learning your blood type, you should promptly make some reservations before all the rooms are reserved on this very special weekend. “I was a dumbass my freshman year; I was left out in the cold like a schmuck. It really ruined all my plans. Now, I just make sure to call and reserve a room a couple weeks ahead. They get the IV drips prepped and the cot all set up for you if you call early. They also get you some Gatorade. Make sure to ask for nurse Carol, she’s the sweetest,” Xander Martinez, class of 2019, said.
The final step for SPW preparation is limited to Colgate athletes. “You need some clean piss. No matter what, you will need clean piss. I was straight-edge my freshman year. After SPW, I tested positive for weed, coke, LSD, e, and benzos. Thank god there were no games left. Shit could have really fucked up my career. I make sure to have a couple bottles of clean pee at all times now. The system of pick-ups at Curty are fucked now, but let me know if you need any; I know a guy,” Zachary Quinton, class of 2020, said.
‘Gate Student Body Partakes in Touching Religious Ceremony
HAMILTON, NY — Violent waves of students have stormed the streets this weekend for a holiday that celebrates the Saint that brought Catholicism to the Irish. This display of religious piety is truly inspiring to the entire town of Hamilton. In keeping with tradition, students wore green, a nod to Saint Patrick’s love for Shrek, and guzzled the limited edition Shamrock Shake, another favorite of Patrick’s. Some exceptionally devout students were seen fighting their way through the Jug line, eager to pay their respects to Saint Patrick as soon as possible.
It is said that the Jug on Saint Patrick’s eve is a magical place. One can truly connect with Patrick through John Jug’s limited edition cocktails that are greener than that girl puking in the corner. We interviewed a traditional dancer during the celebration by the name of Skylar. We asked her what inspired her moves with Bradley, the young man performing with her. “Well,” she remarked, “I just think that everyone can be a little Irish today! It’s too good an excuse to not get fucked up, ya know? I also look really hot in green.” It is truly clear that Saint Patrick brings young people together.
We also talked to Vanessa, a sophomore who attended the Old Stone Jug services this past weekend. When asked about her connection to Saint Patrick, she replied, “Well, my dad’s great grandmother’s cousin moved to Ireland. I went on Ancestry. So I just feel really connected to her today, and I want to celebrate the person who founded Ireland. I’m seriously considering studying abroad there.” This statement is truly a testament to the deeply spiritual and emotional nature of St. Patrick’s Day. Vanessa was clad in traditional fashion: a green crop top paired with green clover pajama pants, and some shamrock glasses. Observing the others who celebrate this famed and glorious holiday, there are some men wearing basketball jerseys, in honor of one of Saint Patrick’s favorite pastimes. Every person in attendance additionally drinks the sacred nectar of Saint Patrick: watered down Keystone Lite. Saint Patrick himself was said to have founded the Keystone brewing company, after he invented alcohol. His stores have now become the holy sacrament taken by his followers to channel his good graces for another year of relative sobriety.
Let us never forget the true meaning of Saint Patrick’s day: “celebrating” our distant Irish heritage as an excuse to get plastered at 8 am, or spending all of our money on bar crawls while blasting “I’m Shipping up to Boston” by the Dropkick Murphys. Drink those Shamrock Shakes, and guzzle those beers, Hamilton, for Saint Patrick is up in the clouds shotgunning a FourLoko.
Research Shows Floor Stickiness Directly Proportional to Party Litness
HAMILTON, NY — Last week, Colgate’s chemistry department published findings related to sticky floors at parties. “The results are absolutely astounding,” said head of research and chemistry Professor James Jamison. “The data show us a bell curve related to party litness. The party reaches a peak but when the floors become too sticky, partygoers leave.”
Professor Jamison said the research question developed when one of his students described how she left a party after her Adidas Superstar stuck to the floor. “It was so disgusting. I stepped on DU’s floor with no shoe barrier. I don’t think I’ll ever recover,” said Emily Reid. When Jamison probed his class and discovered other students felt the same way, he knew he had his work cut out for him.
“If the floors are too clean, I just don’t trust it, you know?” said sophomore Olivia Reynolds. “Like, am I here too early? If the floor sticky you know that everyone has been having a good time for a while now. I think it’s way harder to slip on, too.”
“Best fucking research job ever. I just had to go to as many parties as possible, take samples of the floors every so often, and describe how lit it was. Jamison didn’t care what I did as long as he got his data,” said John Wilson, one of the student researchers working on the project.
Many frats plan to implement the findings into their parties. “We’ve learned that if the floors are a bit sticky before we start, the party will get crazy way faster,” said Isaac Dean, president of Phi Delta Theta. Jamison plans to mimic the study based on ground muddiness on Fraturday. “I want to see if it has the same impact. Is there a level that students will not endure?”
Commons Program Events Overtakes Greeklife in Popularity
HAMILTON, NY — As Colgate University celebrates its bicentennial and looks forward to the next two hundred years, fraternities across campus mourn the loss of their social relevance as students opt to participate in the Commons program instead of joining Greek Letter Organizations.
“We have never had an issue getting guys to come to our Super Bowl event,” said senior Jack White of Phi Tau, “but this year Dart Colegrove Commons was hosting a meditation session at the same time and everyone was there instead.”
White is not the only Colgate student confused by the emergence of the Commons as a social outlet. Sophomore David Rossman voiced his concerns with the Commons program to the Rag, saying, “I’m in charge of pledges for my fraternity, and if things keep going this way, we are not going to get enough guys.” Rossman has repeatedly reached out to first-years to invite them to rush events, but has found himself turned down in favor of bubble tea and face masks with Brown Commons. “It has gotten to the point where I check Colgate’s campus calendar to make sure the Commons aren’t hosting anything before I plan a rush event,” said Rossman.
Colgate’s long tradition of Greek life has been dominant on campus for decades. However, many first-year students are choosing to forgo rush in favor of the Commons program. “The Commons offers me every social opportunity I need on campus,” said first-year Trevor Sanders. “I would much rather paint pottery and watch a movie than play pong in some dirty basement.”
The Colgate administration is excited by the success of the Commons among first-year students. “It doesn’t surprise me, really,” said Dean McLoughlin, “I knew that if students just took a chance on trivia and baking, they would fall in love with the Commons program and the opportunities it provides.”
While first-years and the administration bask in the triumph of the Commons program, members of fraternities are left to wonder what this will mean for their social standing on campus. “I guess we took it for granted that guys would want to rush every year,” said junior Charlie Collins. “At least every other frat is in the same boat.”
In a moment of historic transition on Colgate’s campus, the past 200 years are being put to rest as Greek life moves from the epicenter of the social scene to just a distant memory. And in the place once held by sweaty bodies and Keystone, comes friendship bracelets and hot chocolate sponsored by the Colgate administration.
The Monthly Rag 