HAMILTON, NY — After a long semester of fraternity parties being closed off to young and naive freshmen per administrative rules, many fraternity bros assumed that the start of the new semester would be an exciting time for the newly legal first-year students. Members of Delta Upsilon were shocked, come the first Saturday after add-drop period ended, that their open party at “The Castle” attracted a shockingly low number of freshman girls. In fact, the party had been raging on for a good hour before members of DU realized that it was just freshman football players up on the tables, and that they had been grinding on only each other.

“It was really surprising to us that the first night we finally opened the doors to the hottest fraternity party in all of Hamilton… Actually, maybe even New York, and no freshman girls even came. I mean, the football team was Patriot League Champions, after all. Well, tied for champions. And we did lose to the team that we tied with for the championship. But still. Yeah. Champions,” one DU member said. “And once we realized that no freshman girls were there, we also realized that no girls from other grades were there either. We checked the bathrooms and everything. No one.”

A survey of first year female students at Colgate University revealed that every single one, had, in fact, attended a DU party thrown in the first semester. Interestingly, half of first-year male students had also been in attendance at a party, the most popular way of entry being “putting your head down and pushing.” 48% of professors, 96% of Frank workers, 24% of residents at the Hamilton Senior Citizen Center, 69% of current Colgate students’ parents, and a full first-grade class from Hamilton Elementary School have also snuck into DU parties in the past.

“Have I been to a party at DU? Oh god yes. I went to one at the beginning of the year and haven’t been back since,” an unnamed first-year student exclaimed. “It’s always the same— terrible music, the freshmen football players jumping off the tables, and the drinks running out in .5 seconds. Only losers still go there. I’m into more exclusive parties.” Our anonymous source failed to confirm what these exclusive parties were, but us writers of the Rag are almost positive she means showing up at The Jug when she knows sorority girls will be there.

Delta Upsilon has to take drastic action to save their reputation before it’s too late. Although head football coach Dan Hunt refused to comment directly, a reliable source reported that he is “disappointed, but not surprised” about the disastrous party.

HAMILTON, NY — A new school year means new school drama; serial shitters attack porches across campus, Hampo and Campo duke it out in the field, and so, so many words spew from vodka-ridden lips. And the thing about drama: everyone knows. Everyone knows what your drunk opinion is on anal; everyone knows who threw up out the window in Newell. Anyone who is anyone has the lay of the land at Colgate—except freshman dudes, of course. They don’t know jack shit.

“Beta? Are they cool?” Asked a bright-eyed Billy Bumbledick at his first pub four months into the school year (mostly because the other pubs were planned in a separate GroupMe named “Important People”). “I think they’re a myth…Sort of like DKE,” explained fellow first-year Firstname Lastname, completely unsure about the can of worms that he may have opened in front of his superiors.

Slowly, freshman have been becoming excluded from more and more locations on campus. Before being allowed into Case, the newest additions to Colgate’s sausagefest need to explain to the librarian “who they know here.” The chapel basement now has a bouncer, and shuttle drivers are now required to ask what class everyone is in before departing for the townhouses.

“They’re shit outta luck,” explained a CL in Drake. “The only place freshman dudes have is their rooms where they cry to sad ’90s music on repeat while drinking juice boxes. No one wants to buy them anything; no one wants to sell them a fake.”

“I’ve been standing in the academic quad for weeks, begging anyone passing by with a frat shirt to haze me,” explained a freshman who preferred to remain unnamed. “They just turn up their nose at me, completely aware that I’m not worthy of being forced to consume 190-proof liquor if I answer a question wrong.”

To aid the boys without a home, many father figures across campus are stepping up. For example, Ed has started his own frat: ABT, or “Alpha Burger Toast,” which has a staunch rivalry with Lateef ’s newfound EAT. The most sought after and selective foster-frat to erupt from the conflict, however, finds leadership from none other than John Jug, who titles his crew ZIAY KOME TO JUG (otherwise known as Zeta Iota Alpha Upsilon Kappa Omicron Mu Epsilon Tau Omicron Jug). No one has reported the newfound frats of hazing, although many young nude men have been spotted leaving Frank for the hiking trails covered in powdered sugar, egg, and syrup.

HAMILTON, NY — Developmental studies from prestigious universities have statistically shown that positive reinforcement is more effective than punishment. Psychology students from this university have demonstrated that Colgate students thrive in academic extracurriculars when rewarded with booze, and lots of it. Pubs have become such an intrinsic aspect of collegiate clubs and communities that without social binge drinking, many groups have suffered exponential declines in participation. This is one of those groups.

The literally-just-founded Monthly Rag Student Union vehemently protested the absence of inappropriate and underaged partying within this prestigious literary community, following the unwarranted raincheck on the Rag’s first and only pub of the semester. “First of all, it was BYOB,” class scapegoat Diller Mowner explained, while deleting his half-baked article ideas in solidarity. “Like, you expect me to find my own booze? I can barely get into the Jug.” It should be emphasized that Mowner is a member of the Social Sciences Club, originally the Upperclassmen Drinking Club, and therefore has a high expectation of intellectual peers to coerce him into early-onset alcoholism. He was not alone in this counterinsurgency against the satirical hierarchy, but there were a few pricks in the bunch. Freshman plebe Brick Thompson, one of the only two members to send in an article on time, explained his rationality for ignoring the internal revolution, “I mean there was probably wasn’t a “leak” in the editor’s dorm, but like I wouldn’t want me in my dorm either. I was almost banned from Slice’s after what I did to their bath- room on Halloween.” Slices would give no comment about what exactly Brick did to their bathroom on Halloween. The audacity to expect this community of aspiring assholes to find their own alcohol for a pub, and then cancel the pub altogether, is offensive and outrageous. A finals-fueled anxiety unquenched by Keystone is a catalyst for revolution. And yet, by the Grace of God (or the sentient pile of SNL VCR tapes all Rag initiates must relinquish their eternal souls to), this issue has arrived but with only a minor delay. Because despite our lack of deteriorated livers, our minds still burn with the sharpness of Skyy and the eternal hell re of Svedka. Our passion is as eternal as a tequila hangover, and despite the odds we will still continue to dispense angsty bullshit until we are too large a liability to be funded by the university. Unlike the Maroon News, we have standards.