HAMILTON, NY — After months of cancelled parties that disrupted the campus social schedule, DU brothers breaking the floor with their beefiness, and lost opportunities to hook up with freshmen girls, the brothers of Sigma Chi decided to do something about their infamous party house known as “The Swamp.” One brother who had an unusual obsession with home renovation suggested that they bring in the frat bros of HGTV, Jonathan and Drew Scott, stars of Property Brothers. The bros on all sides quickly agreed to terms, with the Scotts saying they would do the work for free because they “missed [their] own frat days so much, brah.”

Jonathan and Drew arrived in Hamilton several weeks later, and upon their first tour of the Swamp could barely contain their disgust. “Honestly, I’ve been in some pretty gross houses, but I’ve never seen anything as bad as that. You have to try to break something that way,” said Drew. However, they had to get down to work immediately, as the brothers had a long list of demands that needed to be completed in time for Block Party. The social chair, who shall remain nameless for security reasons, stated that “we definitely need this place to not break again, but we also want some built in speakers, a smaller kitchen to save space, some fridges to keep our keystones cool, and places to hide our hard alcohol. Oh, and we have to get our backyard SPW-ready.”

The Scott bros drew up some plans quickly and set to work.

Several weeks into the reno project, the Rag checked in with Jonathan to see what progress had been made. “You know, it’s a tough one. But we’ve fixed the door and reinforced it with some material normally just used for military buildings, which was expensive but de nitely worth it given what these guys normally do to the house,” said Jonathan. “However, I have some surprises up my sleeve for the boys. I’ve decided to do some renovations on their brothers’ room, including a hand-painted crest on the wall and a beautifully crafted cocaine table that they will cherish forever.”

When the house was ready, the brothers came by to take a tour from Jonathan and Drew. Outside, the boys were impressed by how nice the new dancing platform looked, and the speakers conveniently built into every tree would elevate every fraturday experience. As they moved inside, they were more and more in awe of their new house with every room. When Jonathan finally revealed the new brothers room, they were so touched by all the custom details that they decided to initiate Jonathan and Drew as brothers of Sigma Chi on the spot.

HAMILTON, NY — As a particularly contagious flu season comes to its end, Colgate students have looked optimistically towards a feverless, phlegm-less future for their emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually compromised immune systems. Relieved that they may once again steals sips from anonymous Keystones and swap saliva with sanitarily ambiguous strangers, many have returned to the party scene with an unprecedented hormonal fervor. But tread with caution, naive nymphomaniacs, for a new hazard lurks behind the inviting facade of our filthy, dilapidated frat estates. Streptococcal Infection C, also known as Strep C, or “that nasty cough the thot in your micro-econ class has had for like a week” has grown increasingly common around campus, following a recent outbreak believed to have originated at DU over the weekend.

Symptoms of the illness include fever, sore throat, and coughing, all caused by TINY BUGS EATING AWAY AT YOUR THROAT’S FLESH – tiny flesh eating bugs commonly transferred by sharing food or shoving your tongue down someone else’s throat. If you have any of these symptoms, or just feel like shit, medical experts would advise you to go to the Student Health Center to receive antibiotics along with pitying looks of judgment on account of your undoubtable hoe-ish behaviour.

What is particularly unique, however, is the origins of this particular strain. These aren’t your run-of-the-mill throat-bugs, these are barnyard throat-bugs. Yes, Strep C is typically contracted from livestock and barnyard animals. As the Monthly Rag is a cultured literary magazine only focused on the most erudite of discussions and topics, we won’t address the obvious fact that DU fucks cows, but rather why they would choose to fuck cows. The theories are as limitless as a Colgate student’s access to psychoactive drugs: few and underwhelming.

“I think its to deter Juul-moochers,” local conspiracy theorist Dasani Batali argues. “If you infect people with nasty-ass cow diseases, they probably won’t want to take a hit from your pen. Or they just like to fuck cows.” The administration has already gone to great lengths to stifle any controversy regarding the outbreak, practically draining the fraternity hush money slush for the semester. With such bureaucratic veils disrupting our freedom to information, it’s uncertain we will ever know the origins or motives behind this event, whether it be biochemical terrorism or mere accident. But DU probably fucks cows.