HAMILTON, NY — As the townies cock their guns and students don their neon-yellow hazard jackets, the spirit of the Deer Cull can be felt throughout the entire population of Hamilton. Hower, no greater energy for this beloved event exists than in the walls of Beta Theta Pi as they prepare for this year’s hunting season.
An anonymous Rag informant in the fraternity’s ranks gave us an inside scoop of their plans. “Since we’re all future CEOs, we figured we’ve got quite a few psychopaths and sociopaths in our frat already.” The informant continued, “And have you seen American Psycho? We can’t just throw our future execs into that reality without some sort of practice of what it’s like to kill. Most of these guys probably skinned a few cats when they were young anyway, but we think moving onto the big stuff really gives them an edge when they graduate.”
Though such sadism in Greek life is no news to Colgate’s campus, the administration’s recent crackdown on hazing has surprisingly forced the fraternity to turn toward the deer cull as an alternative for their aggression. A recent pledge, delighted to take part in the hunt and to hear that he wouldn’t be tortured, responded “I think this cull thing is a fantastic idea! I mean, I’m really good at finding girls around parties when they try to get away, so hunting is gonna be a breeze. Plus I slipped some stuff in the feeders, if you know what I mean, so the deer won’t be getting that far anyway.”
Some students don’t seem to share the pledge’s same enthusiasm though. The Colgate PETA group is up in arms, demanding that hazing receives less disciplinary action in an attempt to push Beta away from deer and back to quenching their blood lust on people instead. When Dean McLoughlin was approached about this developing issue, he responded, “I mean, I’d rather our boys do it on campus where it’s safe than out in the real world. I couldn’t care less if it’s on deer or people. But is that really what the frats are into now? Killing? Do you think they would come to my tailgate if I hosted something with that?”
And so it seems the hunt remains on this year. If you hear the revving of a chainsaw or see the mutilated parts of deer hanging from the rafters of Beta, don’t be alarmed. In fact, join them in releasing all your pent-up rage on a living animal at the next Colgate-sponsored tailgate.
The Monthly Rag 