HAMILTON, NY— In a moving display of religious devotion, junior Jeremy Walker participated in the Christian holiday of Easter by reenacting the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Walker began his reenactment after his Friday 10:20 class by participating in a Century Challenge with his roommates. Walker recalled to a Rag reporter that he first became “blackout” around 12:45 on Friday afternoon. He followed this commencement with 48 consecutive hours of binge drinking and napping, until he was woken up on Sunday morning with a text from his mother reading, “Where r u? we r here! :-)”

Walker recalled an almost electric shock running through his body, immediately waking him from his drunken, lifeless stupor. He frantically pulled on his most pastel-shaded outfit and hustled to hide his liquor bottles and alcohol paraphenalia before his mother, father, and younger sister opened his door to see him cradling an armful of red Solo cups and empty bags of Ruffles with a wide-eyed look on his face. Walker reported his mother’s immediate shock and concern over the state of his room and his disheveled appearance. He was confronted with questions like, “Did you forget that we have Mass in a half hour?”, “Why does this sweater smell like the Devil’s lettuce?”, and “Goddammit, Jeremy, why do you insist on tearing this family apart?”

Walker reportedly paused for a while before finally coming up with an answer. He responded, “Uh, I was just . . . uh, doing it for Jesus, you know? Like drinking his blood and eating his body, like at Slices, and stuff. So I blacked out for like three days before Easter because that’s what Jesus did, right? I was just trying to pay tribute to his, uh, memory.” Walker paused for a moment before fearfully glancing up to see his parents’ reactions. After a slight pause of consideration, Jeremy’s mother, Lisa Walker, broke down into joyful tears. She cried out in delight, “Thank God! I thought I had raised an alcoholic!” before wrapping the whole family in for a group hug. Jeremy’s parents, John and Lisa Walker, were reportedly thrilled with their son’s affirmation and celebration of his faith, saying, “We were so afraid that he would lose touch with his faith in college, but it’s really encouraging to see how his relationship with God has only grown stronger.”

The family proceeded to Easter Mass at the local church, where Walker threw up twice in the bathroom. After the ceremony, the Walkers went for brunch at the Colgate Inn, after which they departed for home in Albany. When asked if he had any final reflections about his spiritual reenactment, Walker said, “Honestly, the fact that I made it through this visit is the real miracle.”

Mud covers the ground, Spring fills the air, and another Dirty Rush season is upon us. That time of the year when a Fraternity might accidentally only let Freshman guys into the Wednesday golf party they forgot to register, and the administration is somehow oblivious to the fact that half of the First Year class has decided to gather under the Curtis Clock on a Sunday afternoon. This can a stressful time for many young men, but do not fear, the Monthly Rag has assembled a list of tips to make sure you get a bid to the house of your choice.

1. Pick a few houses to focus on early, and show them you are interested

Most guys will try to play it cool and shop around, but the best way to secure a bid is to pick a house or two to focus on and tell every other frat that you “can’t see yourself with them.” One way to demonstrate your interest is to show up to the house unannounced and introduce yourself to the guys. Best to go on one of their brotherhood nights or during a chapter meeting so you can be sure to meet all the guys. Another great way is to go to the Bookstore and buy some of their apparel. Wear it around campus to show them you want them AND tell everyone else that you are taken.

2. Make sure you know when and where events are happening

Wait until late one night when the guys are pretty drunk, ask to give someone your number, and add yourself to the chat under a name like “Little Chico” or “SwagDog69.” This way you can find out about any off campus parties or sorority mixers that are going on and show up. When you do get there, don’t take no for an answer, remember, contacts are everything. Speaking of which…

3. It takes a village, so make sure you have as many contacts at the house as possible

This isn’t just brothers, you can talk to their parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, ex-girlfriends, ex-babysitters, or anyone else who might have come in contact with them. They can lobby the boys on your behalf, and you’ll be swimming in Jello Shots sooner than you can say restraining order.

4. Emphasize how much you have in common with them

Lots of guys in frats used to play football and lacrosse and love boating, golf, and Vineyard Vines. so these are good places to start. However, if you want to make that next level connection emphasize some things you may not have thought of. Tell them how much you love paddling, or how many women find you creepy and aggressive. Say how mush you love to spend time in loud, dark, and uncomfortably moist places like caves, or how you appreciate the beauty of the male form.

5. Be from Connecticut or Westchester County

More than drinking, confidence, or popularity with women, this is the most important skill that you can have. Being the screw-up son of an investment banker from the New York Metro area with alcohol induced rosatia and a prematurely receding hairline is very helpful in many areas of life, but it is particularly useful in rushing a frat. If you have this, you can get into any house of your choosing, even if you didn’t follow the rest of my advice. But if all else fails, you can always just join BDS.