HAMILTON, NY—Discussions about expanding Greek life have been going on for years at Colgate, but the 2016-17 school year has seen students taking greater strides when SGA passed a resolution last fall establishing a dialogue with the administration about this admirable goal. Colgate has been falling miserably behind in party school ranking as Princeton Review’s ranked Colgate #10 out of 380 schools—SGA hopes Greek life expansion will get Colgate back on the right track by ushering in an atmosphere conducive to #1 party-school raging.

Some opposition has surprisingly come from a few Greek members themselves, critiquing the system and their place in it. “Honestly I think everything about Greek life is so problematic,” said Lara Hypolis, “I’m definitely a social justice warrior, and really believe in intersectionality, inclusivity, and equity. I wouldn’t be in my sorority except that I live in the house, so at this point it’s not really my fault.” When Rag reporters questioned Hypolis about her feelings on hypocrisy, Hypolis listed off about a dozen other social justice buzz words before becoming confused and telling our reporters they were white supremacists that needed to check their privilege.

The harshest critiques leveled against Greek life expansion have been focused around the organizations’ exclusivity. To challenge the exclusivity, supporters of the expansion hope that they will create so many fraternities and sororities that every single individual on campus will be unable to resist the overwhelming peer pressure to conform. “We’re thinking about creating fraternities and sororities for faculty and administration members as well,” says SGA senator Cray “CrayCray” Jones Larchmont IV, “Maybe taking their tension out by hazing each other will spare students of faculty’s vindictive grading practices.” Larchmont suggested this at the last meeting with administrators, getting some great feedback after passing a few Natty Lights around with prez Brian. Other expansion ideas include fraternities and sororities for sports teams, political groups, COVE volunteer groups, radio enthusiasts, and deer. The potential of every living creature being shoveled into Greek life on campus may very soon be a reality.

HAMILTON, NY—After recent party-hosting successes such as Jugmas, Kill-A-Keg, and Karaoke Night, local restaurateur John Jug decided to throw a “Desperation Day” party the night before Valentine’s Day.

Prior to the event, Jug did an exclusive interview with a Rag reporter to let us in on what goes into planning a “lit” night at the Jug. “Basically, I know that everyone at this school is single and lonely, especially the freshmen boys who are my main customers. So I realized I had to take advantage of this opportunity to squeeze even more money out of students,” Jug explained.

After conceiving the idea, he drew up a menu of special drinks and came up with deals to draw everyone in. In order to achieve his goal of “getting everyone to black out as fast as possible,” Jug made sure that each drink featured a minimum of three shots, as well as disgustingly sweet mixers in Valentine’s Day colors. He also decided to open the Jug early to give people the best chance possible of finding a date before Valentine’s Day officially began, and he planned to offer half-off shots to any couple that actually managed to plan something for the next day.

Finally, Jug decided to advertise a matchmaking service run by Michelle Jug. “I basically know every student in this school, so I feel like I can help match up people of similar attractiveness and social standing, since that’s all they really care about anyways. And I’ll be there to comfort any students without matches, since everyone seems to view me like their mom,” said Michelle.

Once the event was planned, Jug began advertising the night on his snap story in between selfies of him and his dogs. Some top snaps included, “Desperation Day Party!!! #Lit #Slay,” “Don’t forget to buy a Jug Dog with your drinks,” “Your feelings can’t get hurt if you’re too blacked out to remember,” and “Come find love, just not in the jug seriously get a room.” According to Jug, his embarrassingly long snap stories do work to success- fully advertise events and deals.

At the party itself, just as predicted, the Jug was filled with freshmen too drunk to walk and Michelle had pulled in over $2,000 in cover fees. Community Memorial Hospital confirmed a sharp spike in visits later that night.

HAMILTON, NY—Shock rushed through senior Hannah DeSantos’ bones as she opened an unmarked envelope in her mailbox yesterday. Inside were scandalous pictures from a hidden camera showing the young lady at Slices vomiting against the pinball machine and stumbling about the pizzeria. All were timestamped from 1:30 to 1:42 a.m. There was an attached note which read: “Rough night, huh? Deliver $200 in a brown bag to Slices by midnight tonight or we mail these pictures to your employer.”

The young lady began to panic. “What is this? When did this happen? Oh my gosh, I can’t let these get emailed to Goldman [Sachs], they’ll withdraw their hiring offer!”

Similar events were reported elsewhere across campus. “Aw, shit, who did this?” asked frat brother, John Greenwich ’17, as he looked at a picture of himself entering Slices with a scantily clad blonde girl, that was not his girlfriend, on his arm. His eyes widened as he read the list of demands. “Hell no. Where would I even get some of these things? And why am I supposed to deliver them to Slices?”

An interview with the proprietors of Slices yielded no useful information. “Yeah, we see students in here at their absolute worst all the time, but no, we don’t know anything about any threats,” said that one lady you always see there, before adding, “and nobody can prove otherwise.”

An investigation by Campus Safety was unable to uncover any evidence. “Look, I’ve got my best men on this case, but so far we can’t figure out who is behind this blackmail ring, or any apparent motive,” said investigator Chuck “Campo” Campbell. “Whoever they are, they’re smart enough to outwit Colgate Campus Safety.”

At press time, a visibly shaken, crying freshman was seen with a Molotov cocktail in hand slowly walking towards the window of Pizza Hut. Updates to follow.

HAMILTON, NY—February 14th saw a large portion of the Colgate population walking around campus with their heads down and eyes firmly fixed on the slushy, snow-covered ground. Any attempts at greetings and small talk were met with grunts and suspicious peeks as the addressee hurriedly walked away, and physical contact as trivial as a brush on the arm would be met with a full-body flinch.

When asked about the issue, senior Olivia Hale explained, “It happens every year on Valentine’s Day. No one wants to make eye contact with anyone they’ve randomly hooked up with lest those ten minutes they can’t even remember get misconstrued. And since that includes basically everyone, it’s safest to just keep your eyes down and pray for the day to be over already. It’s not a day for celebration; everyone is suffering.” Hale then started a fifteen-minute diatribe of why Valentine’s Day is a myth perpetuated by consumer-baiting industries targeting insecure couples and shaming healthy sexuality.

Meanwhile, the phenomenon has had serious consequences. Snapchat users with cameras trained on various slippery slopes on campus are complaining that they couldn’t catch any slips that day because everyone was watching their steps. Professors report that the situation severely disrupted their class discussions, where students are usually required to make eye contact and nod along to appear interested in the arguments of whoever did the reading that day.

As the dreaded day drew to a close, seven students were found lost in the woods due to their dedication in staring at the ground while walking around in circles on campus.