HAMILTON, NY—Hamilton Police apprehended juniors Matt “Luch” Castapadaluccesione and Robert “Jefe” Christopher when responding to report of trespassing from a local farmer. Investigators were baffled by the fact that the two were wearing robes at the time and seemed to be attempting to steal a goat. However, in the course of the investigation it was revealed that the two were taking part in a Delta Upsilon ritual. Local police were forced to obtain a federal warrant and SWAT team to enter the house due to the fraternity’s strict “No Geeds” policy. In the basement, investigators found several altars and effigies of a strange lizard-like figure. “Yo, his name is Ooooooze, and he’s, like, not of this world,” one brother told them.

The brothers have apparently been sacrificing to an inter-dimensional reptile for years, in order to assure a steady crop of “solid eights and above,” for their legendary open parties. “I mean, yeah, we usually burn a little fire bud, a goat, and a VHS copy of Fight Club to this hard-partying lizard god a couple times a year, but it’s, like, a strong part of our brotherhood,” said Louis “The Greek” Kyrikidapoulas,“He gives us guidance on how to live a dope life and score with hotties. I thought he wouldn’t be that chill, since he’s from the Moran IX galaxy, but he’s totally not a squid, that’s like two universes over.” When asked why this multi-dimensional entity required these items he responded “I don’t know, don’t judge the homie. We made Cabo eat a shit ton of spiders, and he’s said they tasted pretty loud, so like, chill, different stroke for different folks, know what I mean?” Fraternity president Mike “Roche Boi” Frattaloni told the Rag, “I mean like I get why people might thinks it’s strange, but honestly, when he comes through during the eclipse of Sagittarius, it’s a straight dope time. Nobody gotta hate, we’re just a bunch of dudes that like to get down, and yeah, sometimes there’s a chill lizard dude, so like, rush DU.”

HAMILTON, NY—Early Monday of this week, the Psychology Department began a new study investigating the psychological effects of espresso withdrawals. In the span of twenty-four hours, the espresso machines in both Hieber Cafe and Frank Dining Hall have mysteriously “broken.” Regarding the incident, one student reportedly said, “I have to drink coffee coffee? Like a plebeian?”

Another student, upon seeing the “Broken Espresso Machine” sign, reportedly burst out into hysterics and hurled his backpack across Frank, concussing another student while simultaneously toppling both waffle irons.

One student reported just missing her daily life talk with the Frank barista, who, like crème brûlée, is tough on the outside but on the inside is warm, sweet, and made of egg custard.

The Psychology Department did not predict the extremity of students’ reactions and acknowledged that the widespread anger could culminate in riots. In addition, many parents are making threats in their Facebook group to discontinue donations if this espresso-less travesty persists. Due to the extremity of the threats, the administration has promised to return espresso machines to both locations effective immediately. President Casey reportedly told the Psychology Department to keep their experiments in the Olin basement. Though the experiment was cut short, results will eventually be posted on a giant poster that no one will ever read.