Student Resident Halls Sold to Real Estate Mogul, Wayne

October 24, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Due to declining enrollment number, President Brian Casey has been forced to privatize a number of student services. It was announced on Wednesday that all of Colgate’s student residential facilities would be sold to local real estate mogul Wayne. Wayne has previously been accused by the Department of Housing and Urban Development of being a slumlord, but when contacted by the Rag he refuted these allegations. “Tell me what’s better ventilation than a few holes in the wall and roof? Huh! Plus, the Iroquois ain’t had no plumbing and you ain’t hear them complaining!” Upon gaining ownership of the residences, Wayne immediately fired all Building and Grounds personnel, and has begun removing all copper pipes and wiring from the building, which allegedly cause birth defects.

 

President Casey also announced that all dining halls were being sold to local restraunteur John Jug, who immediately announced that all food items would immediately be replaced by a mysterious substance dubbed “Jug Dogs.” Although no student admitted to having tried one, Mr. Jug insisted that “They got relish, onions, ketchup. And probably meat, everything you need in a balanced meal.” He also announced that all soda fountains would be replaced with fully stocked alcoholic bars and that his number one priority would be to end the epidemic of bench and table standing related injuries.

Filed Under: Administration, Uncategorized

Student Successfully Avoids Eye Contact Passing Vague Acquaintance

October 24, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON,NY—Sophomore Alex Vaughn successfully avoided eye contact after noticing a vaguely familiar face walking towards him on campus. Thinking quickly, Vaughn immediately pulled out his phone and began staring at the screen intensely. Not sure a simple stare would be convincing enough, Vaughn pondered how to better portray a human being deeply engaged in an interesting BuzzFeed article. After some internal deliberation, he decided his best bet was to throw in some upward thumb swipes to thwart any suspicion of him purposefully looking at a blank screen. Not one to settle for mediocrity, Vaughn was sure to incorporate a few realistic facial expressions for good measure—to really drive the point home that he was, in fact, reading something on his phone, and not just avoiding the possibility of locking eyes with the girl he kind of knows from Legacies, but would much rather avoid explicitly acknowledging.

Looking up from his phone, Vaughn was happy to see no vague acquaintance in sight, when he ran into his old professor whose class he failed last semester. Not knowing the appropriate course of action, in a split-second decision Vaughn decided on an awkward head nod—a silent but effective method of conveying zero interest in verbal communication until they awkwardly end up in the same line at Price Chopper next month.

Filed Under: Student Life, Uncategorized

Hidden Gems: Colgate’s Finest Napping Locations

October 24, 2016 by Leave a Comment

Between sexilement, popcorn-related fire alarms, last-minute papers, lost keys, and simply not being able to find your way back home, there are many reasons you might not get your recommended 6 to 8 hours of sleep during your time at Colgate. If Deathwish coffee just doesn’t cut it for you anymore, you might need to revert to your old kindergartener ways. The Monthly Rag is here to give you the inside scoop on the best places to nap on campus.

#4- Peace and Conflict Lounge, Alumni Hall, Second Floor.

While it might look remarkably similar to the free couch on the side of the road, the orange sofa in the PCON lounge will gently cradle you and pull you in, like the promise of a free tee-shirt for declaring your major. It’s the perfect place to go to blissfully forget you didn’t even study for that midterm. Be careful not to directly challenge any of the PCON students if they already have a claim to the couch, as they study conflict all day and will not fight fair.

#3- Booth, Donovan’s Pub*

Take advantage of the fact that one of the three dining options available to students is barely ever open for business. Occasionally you may have to jimmy open the lock on the door to enter, in which case the entrance to the pub nearest the bathrooms usually provides the least difficulty. Once inside, you are practically assured privacy for a nice long nap.

#2- Lounge, Chapel Basement

If you weren’t already aware of this option you’re likely a heathen, but then again, so are many of us who attend the school with the motto “God and Truth.” If you do not burst into flames upon entry to the building, make your way to the basement, find an empty spot on the usually well-occupied set of couches, curl up, and let yourself be possessed with the most wonderful blessing a student can ask for: sleep.

#1- Raab House, President’s Residence*

Ever wish you could be just like President Casey? Well you can’t, but you can sleep like him. Much like Donovan’s Pub, this may require some finesse. The best option here is to ensure that President Casey is out walking his dog or in his office at 301 James B. Colgate Hall. This is likely the only way most of us will ever have the chance to sleep like a President.

*Selected entries are also popular on students’ hookup bucket list locations.

Filed Under: Student Life, Uncategorized

Parents’ Weekend Drinking Game

September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

The wholesome celebration of Halloween weekend, the tender embrace of a reunited family—a sadistic administration that once again shoves these two events into the very same weekend. Hello folks, it’s that time of year again! A time to test our skills of pretending to be a responsible, functioning human being that drinks “only on occasion.” To our new freshmen: prepare yourself for failure.

Players: 2+

Materials: Pitcher of jungle juice, case of beer…a handle of vodka just to be safe

Instructions:

-Drink for every typo in a text you sent to your parents.

-If you can finish a coherent phone call with family members without causing suspicion, shotgun a beer.

-Take a shot for every parent at a party, clinging to their glory days.

-Finish three cups of jungle juice be- fore dinner with your parents. Live on the edge.

-Give up, they’ve known all along. Offer a round of family shots.

-Bring your parents to the Jug. Let them know their tuition is buying this part of the Colgate experience.

-Let your handle of vodka nurse you to sleep before the intervention your family’s planned for you in the A.M.

Filed Under: Drinking Games & Sex Positions, Uncategorized

The Casey Race

September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

This event is in honor of President Casey’s inauguration on September 30th. As we look back on where Colgate has been and look forward to where it will go, we expect not to see a dry eye in such an emotionally burdened crowd. More im- portantly, the Monthly Rag would like to remind you that this event does not need to be dry either.

Players: 2,800+

Materials: Any drink, fervent Colgate spirit

Instructions:

-For Casey’s pro-Greek life stance, enjoy a shot of vodka for every active Greek organization on campus Bonus: Take a shot of Everclear for ev- ery underground society

-Finish a beer for every President who has been in office during your time at Colgate; no exceptions to this rule for professors

-Take a drink if you’ve met Brian Casey

-GTFO if you don’t like Casey better

-During inauguration, drink when Casey says “the Colgate community”

-Finish your drink if he mentions the “Colgate Hello”

-Drink deeply if this is the higlight of your Homecoming Weekend

Filed Under: Drinking Games & Sex Positions, Uncategorized

Hi! From Terry the Tour Guide

September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

Hiya homies, it’s Terry, your favorite tour guide, here to shine some light on the best of Colgate! To welcome our bright freshman that have yet to be worn down by years of our cutthroat academics, I thought I’d talk about some of our super funnest, most hallowed traditions!

The Colgate Hello: The Colgate Hello is infamous, and an integral component to our campus culture! The Colgate Hello extends far beyond your friends, professors, your semi- awkward acquaintances. Any human being with a pulse you make eye contact with deserves your sincerest salutations. Seniors especially—the more enthusiastic your hello, the more they will respect your freshman glory. Forcefully stopping a student that does not say hello back is a completely acceptable way to keep the practice strong.

Lucky 13: You know the saying that Colgate was founded by 13 men, with $13 and 13 prayers, but our lucky day has more to do with the infamous 13 than this stretched legend of ancient white men. Contrary to Wikipedia, all twelve films of the popular Friday the 13th slasher franchise were filmed in Hamilton, NY using real people! This was back in the day of yore before we had the point system to punish people folk—don’t be silly, we don’t murder students anymore! Our institutions’ success can be attributed to these films and the made bank they made for our endowment. Colgate’s unofficial motto is “There’s nothing luckier than buckets of cash monay!”

Torchlight: It’s common to see students leaving the library eyes bleeding, limbs shaking—it all goes to show that we don’t mess around here when it comes to being successful. Torchlight is a fun little tradition to make sure students never forget it! Torchlight originated in 1889 when exhausted students would carry torches to guide themselves home from the library to avoid slipping, falling, and dying in the blistering snowstorms that plague our campus.

Homecoming: Homecoming marks the triumphant return of the Wall Street White Boy, yearning for his sweet fraternity. Making millions of dollars simply can’t compare to the lifestyle of alcoholism, drug abuse, degradation of women, and lifestyle of absolutely zero responsibilities and consequences. The Environmental Studies department runs a study every year to analyze the migratory patterns of the hundreds of washed up frat stars returning home.

Filed Under: Opinions & Editorials, Student Life, Uncategorized

Freshman Guy Makes Out with Junior, Embraces Self with Glee

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—In a surprising turn of events after a long first semester at Colgate, Jordan Dexter ’19 totally made out with a hot junior at the Old Stone Jug on Monday night, and then held himself tight as if to contain all the delight coursing through his body.  Dexter, whose first semester at Colgate was marred with rejections from frat houses, blackouts induced by over enthusiastic pregaming, and a general lack of sexual activity, was finally able to attract a woman to the point where she was willing to make out with him while grinding to Sage the Gemini’s “Gas Pedal.”

        “It’s a song I’ll remember forever,” said Dexter as he swayed enthusiastically from side to side with his arms wrapped around himself.  According to his mother, Dexter is a total catch aside from the fact that he’s such a freshman.  Mrs. Dexter told this reporter that her son wore his Gatecard on a lanyard around his neck for the full first semester stating that, “it probably hurt his chances, but my Jordy is really such a sweet and handsome boy.”  Reports indicate that Dexter can’t believe his luck in successfully attracting and making out with a woman who has all the worldly knowledge and sexual confidence of a Colgate junior.

        Said Dexter, “This is the best day of my life. I wonder if she’ll be my Valentine!” Dexter was last reported hugging himself, skipping down the street to the Cruiser stop by the bookstore, and singing Gas Pedal at the top of his lungs.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,

Foreign Dispatch: Student Abroad Cursed, Asked to Go Home

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN—A junior from Colgate University has been asked to return home early from her off-campus study group. While not officially a Colgate program, the Swedish group is affiliated with the university, but at this point is willing to sever ties. Professor Candee Fisher serves as Colgate’s representative to the Board of Directors for the Swedish Program but was reluctant to give details on the student’s fate.

One might ask what led to this stage and if one did ask, another might respond: so many things.  It all began innocently enough with a suitcase handle breaking while on an escalator, causing four people to fall again and again as the escalator pressed onwards.  Then all taxi drivers decide to strike at the same time outside the airport. Last, a slightly too forceful pull on the shower head causes a pipe to burst in the wall, ruining the plumbing for the floor. The problems progressed to dilemmas such as the supervising professor being trapped in an elevator for five hours as soon as the student disembarked. Eventually the dilemmas became crises when Sweden’s famous ‘condom ambulances’ all ran out of lubricated protection on the same day.

“I don’t know how she’s doing it, but we all know it’s her,” remarked the supervisor after his release from the elevator. “She’s always wearing an unlucky number 13. It’s better for all of us if she just goes home.”

The Office of Off-Campus Study, however, is refusing to allow the woman to come back. When asked to comment, a representative said, “we just barely managed to figure out how to send everyone abroad and they’re trying to create more work for us. If she really is cursed, that might explain why we had so many issues. Let them keep her for a little while. Maybe it’ll wear off.”

There is no word yet as to whether the fact Stockholm’s sewers are backing up and flooding the lakes has anything to do with the student in question.

Filed Under: Student Life, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,

Bullshit Corner February

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

You know what’s bullshit? I’m now a senior and I’ve spent a shitload of my time at Colgate waiting for people to get out of my goddamn way. To all you assholes out there guilty of holding people up on a daily basis, here are three things you can do to prevent people from wanting to burn a fucking effigy of your face.

  1. Stop acting like a fool at Slices. Listen up, dickholes. I know you’re drunk. I know you’re high. I know you think that makes you hot shit. But I hope you know everyone hates you. I guarantee the Slices lady hates you. I hate you, and I’m drunk too. The difference is, despite my blackoutness, I’m acting like a normal person and I don’t mind elbowing dumbasses in the balls/boob to get to my pizza. I only have three more months to enjoy my favorite food on the planet (I’m not being hyperbolic, I went abroad and nothing compares to Slices) and I have zero patience for your incredibly pathetic bullshit. Give the woman your money, take your pizza, and for god’s sake get the FUCK out of my way. Otherwise, I can’t guarantee I won’t verbally cut a bitch before graduation.  

 

  1. Have your PARCEL!!!!!!! email and your Gate Card ready when you pick up your package. If you’re that asshole who gets to the front of the package line and then says “hold on” while you scroll through your emails to figure out in which shelf/bucket/corner of the mailroom your package is located, you honestly don’t deserve a diploma from this “institution of higher learning” because you’re just straight up unprepared to live in the world as a human, let alone an adult. Get your fucking shit together.  

 

3. Shut the fuck up in the library. The amount of time I have spent glaring at people in the library waiting for them to stop using their waste of a voice box is unreal.  You idiots don’t understand that I’m trying to not fail my classes, but I have no choice but to listen to the stupid and often private bullshit you’re prattling on and on about: Your fuck buddy doesn’t want to hook up anymore so you went from being smitten to hating his/her evil guts? Why are you broadcasting this to the entire second floor instead of acting like a normal person? (i.e. crying to your best friend but acting like you don’t care in public.) Take a fucking lap and go to the Chapel House for a cookie and some quiet time.  

Filed Under: Opinions & Editorials, Uncategorized Tagged With: ,

Female Student Savagely Mauled by Out of Control Facial Hair

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—On Monday night at approximately 12:30 AM numerous reports came in that a woman had been viciously attacked at the Old Stone Jug. Eyewitnesses saw the dance-floor-make-out proceeding as normal until the woman yanked away, shrieking and clawing at the perpetrator’s scraggly facial hair. Bystanders were confused about the situation until strobe lights revealed the red irritated skin of her chin. The perpetrator did not stick around to assess the wounds his unkempt winter beard had inflicted and fled the scene.

The beardburn victim was evacuated from the building and rushed to the curb by her drunk friends, all of whom proceeded to ditch her for the allure of a hot slice and ranch. Campus Safety picked up the victim upon hearing her agonized moaning, mistaking her for a drunken public menace. A full-scale investigation is being launched by a Campus Safety officer, reportedly so bored out of his mind that he believes the case may actually prove more interesting than doling out parking tickets to cars parked on Academic Drive at 3:25PM.

An eyewitness at the scene of the crime, Kelly Smith ‘16 gave a statement to our reporters, “What? Why are you even asking me this? She wasn’t even bleeding!” While other sources have confirmed that no blood was drawn, the victim has an intensely sore chin that even hurts to wash.

Filed Under: Student Life, Uncategorized Tagged With: , ,
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