College Dems, Republicans, Host Caucus Night Event; Brawl Ensues

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Campus Safety and Hamilton Police responded to calls at Persson 108 on Monday night, where multiple witnesses say a brutal brawl broke out between members of the College Democrats and College Republicans. The president of the College Republicans, Linus Azov ’16, described the events: “We hosted a joint event with the Dems to watch the Iowa Caucus results, but pretty soon we were all just staring at each other from across the room.” Nobody knows who initiated the fight, but soon both sides were going at it. “All of a sudden I was in a fistfight with someone who was screaming about how liberals were destroying the middle class,” said Dominic DeCocco ’17, a Democrat. Nor were the fights strictly along party lines. “Some guy pushed me against the wall and pressed a butane lighter to my cheek and asked if I ‘Feel the Bern.’ The thing is, I’m not even a Republican!” said Jerry Rivera ’18. The arrival of the Hamilton Police and Campus Safety did little to calm the fracas as students continued to fight. “I arrived just in time to see some kid in a ‘Cruz 2016’ shirt have a chair broken over his head by someone wearing a Jeb! hat,” said Officer David Waters of the Hamilton Police Department. “It was bedlam in there. I’m pretty sure I saw some crazy girl in a Hillary Clinton shirt biting into some poor Rubio supporter’s neck.”

It took police an estimated 30 minutes and two canisters of tear gas to pacify the students. 13 arrests were made. Police attribute the low number of injuries to a lack of alcohol, drugs, or Trump supporters present at the event. Leadership of both clubs confirm that next week’s debate watch party and pub will proceed as scheduled.

Filed Under: News, Student Life, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,

Texas GDI Seeks Social Status, Applies to Kono

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Noting that he is not on a sports team or part of Greek life, GDI and Colgate Junior Tanner Durant of Austin, TX has applied to be a part of Konosioni, seeking some semblance of social status. “Yeah, I really missed the boat on the whole Greek Life thing. I used to be part of a sports team back then, but now I don’t really have anything that matters around here.” Durant, who does not come from an exceptionally wealthy family and is not from the Northeast, desperately tried to apply to Konosioni. “I figure it’s my last hope for being part of any sort of relevant group here–and I use ‘relevant’ pretty liberally. I don’t think I’m that privileged, so that’ll definitely help my case.” The Texas GDI stated that all the bullshit administrative and philanthropic work for Kono might be worth it if he could just earn validation from his classmates. “I mean, it’s not like Kono is really respected, but it might look good on a resume, and who knows, maybe I can impress a few people with it around here.” Durant went on to say that while it was no substitute for being in a fraternity, maybe, just maybe, being part of the old honors society might make up for his lack of social integration and non-Tri-State place of birth. “Yeah, I could definitely see myself as part of Kono,” he said, looking more and more nervous as he considered his unimpressive resume and lack of leadership positions. “This is really what I need so I can be just one of the boys.” Reports indicate that Durant was not selected to join the honors society, however when reached for comment he stated, “Eh, it seems lame anyway.”

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Student Blacks Out, Does Volunteer Work

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—This past Friday afternoon, Julia Blackmon ‘16 decided to celebrate the weekend after getting out of her 12:20 with some of her friends. According to sources close to Julia, her drink of choice was tequila. After she drank a bit too much, Blackmon was found tutoring students in math at Hamilton Central School at 3:30 in the afternoon.

“Ugh, I rarely drink too much,” said Blackmon, “but when I do, I always do shit I would never think of doing otherwise.” Blackmon thinks of herself as a hard-working student who likes to spend time with her friends and enjoy the outdoors. However, like many Colgate students, Blackmon would never consider taking an afternoon to do any sort of volunteer work.

“Tequila makes some people angry, for others it makes them cry, and for Blackmon it makes her go do volunteer work in the community,” commented Valerie Teller, a friend of Blackmon’s. Teller recalled one time at 3am on Saturday when they found Blackmon completely incoherent and planting a flower garden in the backyard of Delta Upsilon. Says Teller, “It’s really becoming a problem.  She needs to get help before she becomes a public servant or joins the Peace Corps or something.”

Blackmon’s friends are planning an intervention to take place in the coming weeks. In unrelated news, Hamilton Central School is looking for new math tutors.

Filed Under: Student Life, Uncategorized Tagged With: ,

SGA Presidential Candidates Revealed

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—With election season around the corner, we thought we’d give you a quick update on the 3 Colgate presidential candidates and what they are offering for the student body. We hope that everyone will use the below information to align themselves with a specific candidate and come out to vote!

Brian Saunders: If Brian is elected president, no one will pay for tuition. The money will come from somewhere, but no one will pay for it. In addition, Brian would like everyone to know that he attended the sit-in for a few hours, so he also supports racial equality. Brian’s campaign is also characterized by a big Broad Street reform, which focuses on breaking apart powerful organizations. In the end, Mr. Saunders expressed that he wants everyone to #feelthebrian, a slogan which few students are comfortable with.

Helen Clifford: Helen for Colgate is the slogan for Ms. Clifford’s campaign. While she stands in the shadow of her boyfriend, a former SGA president, Ms. Clifford wants the students to know that she is ready to take on the challenge. Helen promises to fix literally everything. We’ll see how that goes.  Though, according to Ms. Clifford herself, you should vote for her, because “you’re really going to vote for one of the other two guys?”

Dan Trufont: Dan Trufont has vowed to make this campus great again. He believes International students are unfairly stealing many spots that belong to unqualified American students. For those looking to learn more, Mr. Trufont will be holding a rally supporting alumni at the same time as a debate that the school is organizing. Supposedly he will not be debating the other candidates due to an ongoing feud with Dean Nelson, one of the moderators. Supposedly she was mean to him one time.

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Mathematics Department Determines that You’re Going to Die

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—The Colgate University Mathematics department has been hard at work compiling recent data from a probability study. The study looked at all of the different ways you might die, and the department determined that you will eventually die.

“We have all been told something along the lines of: the chances of getting killed by lightning are 1 in 10 million or the odds of getting killed by a shark are 1 in 500 million,” said Professor Matt Probst. “Therefore, we decided to add up all of those probabilities to see what the chances of dying are.”

After adding up every possible situation, Probst told us that there is a one hundred percent chance that you are going to die within 125 years of the day you were born. When further discussing the study, Probst mentioned the reality of just how many different ways you might die. He explained that there were some situations they hadn’t originally considered but had to factor in such as death by sheep (1 in 4 billion) and death by carrot juice over-consumption (1 in 7 billion). He went on to say that he wasn’t originally sure what the final probability of you dying would be, but that he’s happy with the number of 100%. 

Finally, Probst shared hopes that other groups will perform the same study to see if the results can be replicated. He is confident that his department was thorough with its report, and looks forward to publishing the study in an upcoming American Mathematical Society journal.

 

Filed Under: Student Life, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,

Colgate Community Decides Climate Change is A Good Thing

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Top professors and respected students met last Tuesday to discuss the topic of climate change. They focused on how climate change has impacted the University and what steps the University has taken to mitigate these effects. After a rather short deliberation they came to the conclusion that climate change has only had positive effects on the Colgate community. After the unseasonably warm months of December and January, student and professor morale has been spectacular. Even the Frank sandwich lady was overheard saying, “These damn kids aren’t that bad.”

The committee suggested a revised plan on Colgate’s climate change strategy. The new plan consists of only serving non-local foods in Frank, supplying quadruple-ply toilet paper, and having a weekly trash burning ceremony on Whitnall field. One committee member commented on the new plan, “Our aim is to increase our carbon output in order to ensure the long term student and faculty well being in future winters.” There has been little outcry against this new plan as everyone has been too busy enjoying the weather over the past couple weeks. All signs point to a Colgate community focused on doing everything in its power to make sure the hole in the ozone layer only grows larger.

 

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Student Pushes New World View On Friends, Only Went to DC

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Upon returning from abroad, students have mixed emotions. Some are happy to see their friends and families. Some are sad to have left a great experience behind them. Some are angry that they now must return to the sub-par Americanized versions of the food they enjoyed abroad. And lastly, some just will not shut the fuck up about their experiences in another place. Colgate senior Max Breidenstein spoke to the Rag about his current frustrations with a friend who returned from Washington, DC this fall.

        Breidenstein states, “Yeah, Eric and I were really close. But then, I went to Nepal for my semester abroad, and he went to Washington, DC. Don’t get me wrong, I talk about abroad sometimes, but like seriously Eric won’t shut the fuck up about the national mall and meeting the children of diplomats. He keeps saying shit like, ‘You don’t know how good we have it in Hamilton, people go hungry in DC.’”

        We reached out to Eric, in hopes of understanding the situation a bit better. When we asked about his abroad experiences, Eric mused, “You have no idea though. I am forever changed by DC. And just so you know—what they say about culture shock is so real—I am still adjusting to life back in Hamilton. A lot of my abroad friends are back at Colgate, which is great, but like, man I am going to miss DC. It is unlike any other place I have been before. It was like, exotic.”

        If you have plans to go abroad, we at the Monthly Rag wish you safe travels and a healthy sense of self-awareness.

Filed Under: Student Life, Uncategorized Tagged With: , ,

Hamilton Declared Mecca for Pizza and Haircuts

January 30, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—US News & Travel has recently ranked the humble village of Hamilton the Number One Upstate New York Mecca for Pizza and Haircuts.

For decades, thousands of people from all over Upstate New York have flocked to the village at the heart of the Chenango Valley to sample the many pizzas the village has to offer. Only in the past fifteen years, however, has it become part of the pilgrims’ ritual to receive a cut-and-color during the trip. Residents and Colgate students alike are hardly surprised by the high recognition.

Says Colgate senior Tessa Late, “I mean, yeah, duh. I live downtown, and I’m basically like a pizzatarian. That’s all I ever eat. Not that I mind at all. Slices forever.” A local Hamiltonian who wished to remain anonymous commented, “Sure, people come from all over to get their hair cut here. We’ve got plenty of places to go. Every woman with a generic first name and a pair of scissors owns their own hair salon in Hamilton.”

While the US News & Travel ranking has the village in high spirits, it is only a matter of time before the annual bloody death match among pizzeria owners to determine who will be rated Zagat’s Number One Pizza to Literally Die For.

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Student Who Went to Music Festival This Summer Still Wearing Wristband

January 30, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—In a surprising display of cultural defiance and stunning bravery, sophomore Kara Barnes was spotted sporting her Lollapalooza wristband eight weeks into the 2015-2016 Academic Year.

The neon pink paper bracelet, crumpled and water-damaged after months of steadfast wear, may go unnoticed to the untrained eye. However, it has left many of her unenlightened classmates asking themselves burning questions such as, “I wonder if she did molly?”, “Is she misunderstood?”, “Why hasn’t that wristband gotten moldy? I mean, she’s been showering and sweating with it on for like three fucking months,” and “Does she defy musical, sexual, and cultural conventions, as her wristband suggests?”

But to the few rare renegades at Colgate, it is a recognizable symbol of divine insurgence to the dull community in which they live.  A few short months ago, this subtle accessory permitted her access to all the hottest bands on the indie scene, and it gave her the opportunity to mesh with like-minded, non- conformist, free-spirited, and other hyphenated groups of individuals. It was the key to enhancing her Instagram presence, and it finally gave her an event to which she could wear her Free People apparel. Here in Hamilton, however, it indirectly proclaims her musical superiority over those who actually like the music played at The Jug. It establishes her as a “cool girl” on campus who rejects homogeneity and scissors. Unencumbered by New England fashion protocol, this Connecticut native replaced her Alex and Ani bracelets with this wristband to say that underneath her vaguely bourgeois exterior lies an unsuspecting anarchist. This statement piece silently screams, “I’M A PREPPY FUCK WHO IS MILDLY DIFFERENT FROM THE REST OF YOU PREPPY FUCKS, AND I WILL MAKE SURE YOU KNOW IT!”

 

Officials are uncertain as to when the wristband will finally be removed, but they remain hopeful that Barnes’s mainstream roommate will collapse under the pressures of Barnes’s passive aggressive actions and perform a vigilante act of justice by ripping off the paper accessory in her sleep.

 

Filed Under: News, Uncategorized Tagged With: , ,

Dean Nelson: Having Kegs At Parties Makes Too Much Sense

January 28, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—After much research, Dean of the College Suzy Nelson announced, “Allowing kegs at parties makes too much sense.” This announcement came after an extensive report put together by a team in the Colgate Economics Department showed no reason not to allow kegs.

The report detailed the many benefits of allowing residences to use kegs at their parties. Researchers found that the rate of consumption was slowed: At a large Colgate party, research showed that 165 12oz. beers could be consumed in a matter of 5 minutes because of the quick access provided by many cases of beer with individual cans. This is compared to 15-20 minutes for a well-tapped keg without ever stopping the stream of beer. Researchers also found that a keg gives the buyer about 20-30 more beers for the same price than buying cases, and the data indicated that kegs lead to much less waste.

When asked for comment, Dean Nelson told us, “Had there been any reason not to do it, we would’ve done it. But this administration prides itself on making irrational decisions, and given the results of the report, it just wouldn’t be feasible for us to allow kegs.”

Filed Under: Administration, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,
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