One of the most serious injustices at Colgate is the problem of brown bags. Technically, a brown bag is an event—such as a lecture or panel discussion—during lunchtime with food provided.

The problem is, certain assholes have started holding “brown bags” with no food. Not only is this a huge steaming pile of bullshit, it’s also an egregious violation of the proletariat’s right to fair compensation for their work. Any dipshit who has considered stabbing themselves in the eyeball in an econ class or has been cruelly forced to read The Communist Manifesto understands that this is a gross caricature of a simple bartering system: we agree to come listen to your speaker drone on about conflicts in the Middle East or the campus climate or sustainability, and you give us food. Without the food part, it’s just fucked up.

While it is true that many of these so-called “brown bags” without food are run by student organizations who may not have enough funds to provide it, that does not mean they should be allowed to exploit the rest of the student body like we are their personal serfs. Have some empathy, you fuckers. Some might argue that these groups’ false advertising is a smart and effective entrepreneurial strategy. No it’s not, it’s fucking bullshit.

Since this is a liberal arts institution, however, we need to analyze this until we want to drown ourselves. So let’s take a look at the more complicated and nuanced assholery that support this larger system of bullshit. Even when brown bags do provide food, it’s oftentimes bullshit.

First, there’s the problem of access. Do not place the food in a corner of the room where a latecomer has to literally step on backpacks and hands and faces to get to it. That forces the poor starving soul to stand in the corner and listen to the lecture, because they can’t get to the food without being a disruptive asshole, and they can’t leave because they’ll be seen as a rude, apathetic asshole. It’s a lose-lose situation, and the worst part

of this is the low blood sugar-stricken victim can usually smell the food’s delicious odor wafting across the room. It’s fucking inhumane.

Second, some skeezy student groups on campus (cough cough Konosioni cough cough) have been holding brown bags with food provided by Chartwells. Yeah, Chartwells may or may not make food that is one iota better than the food Sodexo made, but that doesn’t mean you can use it to feed your brown bag. (Side note: it’s common fucking sense

to provide the appropriate cutlery and it’s bullshit to expect me to eat a chicken breast with only a fork.) Anyways, seniors have already finished their dining hall food indentured servitude and expect to be fed actual good food from downtown. I personally have had the unpleasant experience of skipping my daily laxative because I was expecting to be fed Main Moon, only to be horrified when I realized the “brown bag” I was attending provided a bowl of halfheartedly crushed plain-ass chickpeas they were trying to pass of as hummus. If seniors want to eat Chartwells, they’re going to text their respective GroupMes and terrorize an underclassman until the youngster hands over their Gate Card. They’re not going to come to your fucking bullshit brown bag.