HAMILTON, NY — A recent senior research project by Psychology major Hava Brayn has found that Main Moon employees have the same stone-cold mental abilities as CIA operatives and Navy SEALS. The study examined the brain activity caused by “high pressure and terrifying” scenarios, according to Brayn.

“Not gonna lie,” she said, “I was inspired to do this research during a trip to the Main Moon buffet after fraturday. I witnessed dozens of students mobbing the restaurant and grabbing orange chicken out of the buffet with their hands while the employees calmly manned the front counter and replenished the food.” Brayn told the Rag that at first she assumed the employees were “dead inside” from weekly exposure to trauma post-fraturday, but when she watched more closely she noticed they were actually simply immune to the entire cluster-fuck going on around them.

The experiment involved monitoring brain activity of the Main Moon employees during a regular business day and a Saturday evening, and comparing them to the brain scans of CIA agents in declassified government documents. “When I first compared the brain scans, I was confused,” Brayn said. “I thought I accidentally copied the same results, but it turns out the employees brains are indistinguishable from a CIA agent under extreme pressure.”

The Rag asked other Colgate students their experiences with post-fraturday Main Moon. “Honestly man, I’ve seen some shit,” said a student who wished to remain anonymous. “I won’t name names, but I’ve definitely seen a tray of Lo Mein dumped on the floor and used as a medium for snow angels.” Another student, John Hammeredstein, mentioned a time that he witnessed a “Main Moon employee calmly step over two passed-out students in order to refill the water jugs in the fridge and wipe down the tables.”

The next time you see a glassy-eyed, stone-faced restaurant employee just remember that you might actually be face to face with one the toughest minds society has to offer.

HAMILTON, NY — Disaster recently struck Hamilton’s beloved Community Memorial Hospital after their supply of acetaminophen and ibuprofen, commonly sold under the brand names Tylenol and Advil, was deemed empty. While the hospital usually purchases a bulk order for the entire school year, the overwhelming number of cases of mono, strep, and other “kissing diseases” has tested the limits of our local healthcare system. After much deliberation regarding their budget and capabilities, the Board of Directors at the hospital decided the best course of action was to step outside of their comfort zone and begin practicing medicine more advanced than The Coop Store’s mini pharmacy.

Some concerns have been raised regarding how well a facility made up almost entirely of interns can treat diseases without their go-to panaceas, but Community Memorial’s Dr. Trevor Corey assured The Monthly Rag that all would be well.

Dr. Corey also had some opinions regarding the origin of these outbreaks, claiming “John Jug and his House of Whoring has cost the hospital thousands in easily accessible over the counter drugs. His business’s ability to convince freshmen to trade saliva with strangers is truly the worst disease I’ve ever seen.” He also attacked frat parties and their hookup culture, but some of our freshmen writers’ hopes to get a bid next year will keep these comments in the dark.

Community Memorial Hospital emphasized that their lack of the weakest painkillers known to man will only affect a small portion of their day to day work, as the majority is made up of alcohol poisoned lightweights who are convinced they are heavyweights. As for the future, the hospital plans to entirely revamp their treatment programs. Starting next school year, acetaminophen and ibuprofen will no longer be given to every sick student that walks through their doors. Instead, their staff will begin using essential oils and healing crystals to cleanse students’ bodies through their souls.

HAMILTON, NY — “Bottles of urine have been found in trash cans on the 1st floor Curtis hallways. This is unacceptable and unhygienic. Students should be utilizing the rest- rooms within their communities.”

The above quote by Ciccone Commons leader Yur Inn sums up the sentiments of The Monthly Rag as a flood of reports have rained in. What started as a local Curtis phenomena has now turned the entire Colgate campus into an abyss of piss.

“I remember the good old days when people had the decency to pee out their window” reminisced local Senior Oreen Ar as she disgustedly stared at the bottle of urine by the front door of Gate House.

An investigation was taken to determine just who, or what, is producing all this urine. Investigators were concerned with the fact that there were ten new 16.9 oz urine bottles found between March 4th and 5th. That would equate to 169 ounces or about 1.3 gallons of urine.

“Either one person is a pee making factory and was able to casually stroll around with a gallon of urine unnoticed or we’re dealing with a group of misfits. We suspect this is a fraternity doing a midterm hazing to weed out some of the less radical members” Speculated Campus Safety Officer Veer Tsa.

When asked for a response all of the fraternity leaders banded together for once to draft the following response: “Ew, gross.”

One of the more fortunate leads however came in yesterday as a freshman, who has asked to be referred to as a POS (Pissed Off Student) for anonymity, came forth with his shocking experience.

“Look I know everyone thinks it’s me because I sometimes ricochet my piss at Phi Delt but that’s different! There is no art in just pissing in a bottle and even less in just letting it idle in a common room. But despite all these inconsistencies I got this letter outside my dorm.” Exclaimed the POS as he dug extra long in his pants pocket to retrieve the letter. The contents read:

“You have been pissing a certain someone off and now yuo [sic] will be pissed on as well (no homo not that there’s anything wrong with that). Upload a confession of your sins by Friday night or Colgate’s official color will become yellow. Share this letter if you please, it will not do you any good. -ICUP”

Despite the threat, the POS puffed his chest up for the golden shower of ruin that may befall him, refusing to answer any questions regarding the ‘sins’ the letter mentioned. Only time will tell of just who, or what, is responsible for pissing off the populace.