HAMILTON, NY—On Monday night at approximately 12:30 AM numerous reports came in that a woman had been viciously attacked at the Old Stone Jug. Eyewitnesses saw the dance-floor-make-out proceeding as normal until the woman yanked away, shrieking and clawing at the perpetrator’s scraggly facial hair. Bystanders were confused about the situation until strobe lights revealed the red irritated skin of her chin. The perpetrator did not stick around to assess the wounds his unkempt winter beard had inflicted and fled the scene.

The beardburn victim was evacuated from the building and rushed to the curb by her drunk friends, all of whom proceeded to ditch her for the allure of a hot slice and ranch. Campus Safety picked up the victim upon hearing her agonized moaning, mistaking her for a drunken public menace. A full-scale investigation is being launched by a Campus Safety officer, reportedly so bored out of his mind that he believes the case may actually prove more interesting than doling out parking tickets to cars parked on Academic Drive at 3:25PM.

An eyewitness at the scene of the crime, Kelly Smith ‘16 gave a statement to our reporters, “What? Why are you even asking me this? She wasn’t even bleeding!” While other sources have confirmed that no blood was drawn, the victim has an intensely sore chin that even hurts to wash.