HAMILTON, NY—Students are being held captive by fear after the shocking news has emerged that last weekend, beloved Professor Matt Leone was not present at an open mic held in Donovan’s Pub.

Although the music lasted for a gracious three hour span of time, Professor Leone was nowhere to be found throughout the entire event. This signals the first and only time that the ever-amiable professor has missed any of the innumerable events held on Colgate’s campus.

While this story is still unfolding, it is with a heavy heart that this reporter must indicate that an apocalypse is undoubtedly in the forecast. The absence of Professor Leone from this student-centric art and music event no doubt signals the end of times. Students are urged to do what they can to keep safe as blood falls from the sky, the branches of trees on Willow Path turn into snakes, and Taylor Lake remains just as disgusting as always.

Reports indicate that leaders of Colgate Interfaith have been praying to the heavens for protection from the fearsome events soon to unfold. Professor Leone could not be reached for comment as he was busy riding his bike around town, spreading cheer.