HAMILTON, NY—Campus Safety and Hamilton Police responded to calls at Persson 108 on Monday night, where multiple witnesses say a brutal brawl broke out between members of the College Democrats and College Republicans. The president of the College Republicans, Linus Azov ’16, described the events: “We hosted a joint event with the Dems to watch the Iowa Caucus results, but pretty soon we were all just staring at each other from across the room.” Nobody knows who initiated the fight, but soon both sides were going at it. “All of a sudden I was in a fistfight with someone who was screaming about how liberals were destroying the middle class,” said Dominic DeCocco ’17, a Democrat. Nor were the fights strictly along party lines. “Some guy pushed me against the wall and pressed a butane lighter to my cheek and asked if I ‘Feel the Bern.’ The thing is, I’m not even a Republican!” said Jerry Rivera ’18. The arrival of the Hamilton Police and Campus Safety did little to calm the fracas as students continued to fight. “I arrived just in time to see some kid in a ‘Cruz 2016’ shirt have a chair broken over his head by someone wearing a Jeb! hat,” said Officer David Waters of the Hamilton Police Department. “It was bedlam in there. I’m pretty sure I saw some crazy girl in a Hillary Clinton shirt biting into some poor Rubio supporter’s neck.”

It took police an estimated 30 minutes and two canisters of tear gas to pacify the students. 13 arrests were made. Police attribute the low number of injuries to a lack of alcohol, drugs, or Trump supporters present at the event. Leadership of both clubs confirm that next week’s debate watch party and pub will proceed as scheduled.