HAMILTON, NY—Ringleaders of Colgate University’s recent large-scale hazing endeavor are facing allegations this week of cruel, intentional, and according to New York State law, illegal initiation rituals conducted across campus following the arrival of its first-year members.

Subtly disguised as “New Student Orientation,” the four-day compulsory induction led the new and vulnerable population through a seemingly unending string of rites and tasks intended to “foster conformity and gauge obedience.”

Conducting the hazing was a group of dedicated student oppressors called “Links,” most likely named such because they serve as direct channels between the administration and their victims. These “Links” forced groups of defenseless inductees to participate in dozens of documented activities that violate nearly every example of hazing given on Dean of the College’s page on the Colgate University website (a full list of which can be found at www. colgate.edu/offices-and-services/deanofthecollege/hazing/examples-of-hazing).

Since these traumatizing incidents, multiple students have come forward anonymously to bring attention to the blatant, hypocritical discrepancies between the administration’s claimed anti- hazing policies and the events they sponsored at the end of August. Much of their days consisted of “required calisthenics . . . or other physical exercise” while trudging across the seemingly vertical campus, as well as “forced confinement” in the chapel for further requisite initiation.

Games such as the Human Knot and Trainwreck were used to additionally discomfort students, the former through “the assignment of meaningless and sometimes impossible tasks,” and the latter by creating “line- ups for the purpose of interrogating, demeaning, or intimidating” the incoming members. Other violations include: “wearing of embarrassing or uncomfortable clothing” (sweaty Class of 2019 t-shirts), “required carrying of certain items” (Gate Card, room key, and obligatory lanyard), and “required walking in groups to class, the cafeteria, etc.” The initiation concluded with a bizarre, vaguely pagan, cultish ritual that one student described as “seriously creepy” and another as “kind of fucked up.”

When confronted with the claims, Dean Brown defended and shielded his program, claiming that the events were intended to “introduce the new students to the hard earned joy of being part of an exclusive group of intellectuals.” One first-year student, when interviewed, agreed with Dean Brown’s sentiments. “It was the best thing I never want to do again,” the student said, “I know it was difficult, but I would never be this close to my class without it.”

The police and interim president of the university are launching a more thorough investigation of the university’s transgressions, and the affected students are being provided with unlimited Starbucks coffee in Frank Dining Hall.