HAMILTON, NY—This holiday pre-season has already seen its fair share of debate and debacle with the advent of Starbucks’ new holiday cup design which, much to the chagrin of conservative Christians everywhere, was just a plain pagan red. Although the only Starbucks for miles is a tiny four-option kiosk in Frank Dining Hall, Colgate has also seen its share of horrifying coffee cup designs.

True to their moniker, Death Wish coffee has rolled out their line of seasonal coffee cups decked out in images of violent murder scenes. From a woman in a Christmas sweater being shot in an alley, to an ancient Roman man being gored with a spear, Death Wish has pulled out all the stops on wishing everyone a “Horrifying Holidays,” as is written in red script at the bottom of each cup. Those who were upset with the Starbucks cup have commented, “At least these cups mention the holidays. Starbucks could learn a thing or two from this design.” However, most students who have seen the detailed and graphic images on the cups have not slept for weeks, ironically freeing them from their need for caffeine. Says freshman Lara Wills, “These pictures are almost as disgusting as their coffee.”

Spokespersons from Death Wish declined to comment, laughed maniacally into the phone, and hung up.