HAMILTON, NY — COVID-19 restrictions have changed the social scene of Colgate, and with these changes come awkward growing pains of finding new places to grind up on sweaty, disgusting strangers in a dimly lit room. Luckily for the incoming class of ‘24 (holy shit, you guys are babies), the absence of the former Old Stone Jug may go unnoticed as other local businesses step up to the metaphorical plate, including local favorite Rusch’s Bar & Grill, who in the past few weeks has removed all booths and tables from their main dining room and replaced them with sticky “elevated surface units,” splintering benches and, for some reason no one can figure out, a hot dog roller machine.

A new local representative for Rusch’s and self-described “philanthropist bad boy” Ron Rusch provided the following (unintelligible) comment:

“Slay. Come blackout at Rusch’s. Lit. Fuck cops.”

In addition to these new developments, Rusch’s has opted into a new ID checking system and employee training regiment: instead of running a given ID under various blacklights and through a registry, waiters and waitresses now rely on the “cover-the-birthday technique” that, according to Ron Rusch himself, “operates through a series legal loopholes that depends on our employees not actually knowing how old the individual is, regardless of if we checked the ID or not. Slay!”

To hit their new target demographic, Rusch’s has also incorporated many new drinks into their menu (while removing basically everything else), such as the “Fuck You, Eat Shit,” a delicious mix of alcoholic milk, a whiteclaw, everything bagel seasoning, and gasoline—only for $15! Regular and alleged senior Jess Takid had the following to say: 

“I found out about the deals at Rusch’s through Snapchat,” Takid said. “They put a snapcode on their menu and everyone I know has been adding them to get the best deals. You can even buy a VIP card which gets you a table faster and lets you skip the lines.” 

The Rag sent an undercover reporter to Rusch’s this past weekend to check out the scene for themselves, returning with juicy tidbits of information about the new underbelly of Colgate’s downtown drinking scene:

“The drinks were honestly not that bad,” they told us. “I got the Rush Rusch’s special pitcher. It tasted kinda like the foam at the end of a keg mixed with some Hawaiian Punch, but all-in-all, it did the job.”

Our undercover reporter also told us that apparently, if you Venmo the bartender $10, you get access to a filthy, crowded bathroom where you can publicly do coke off of the top of the toilet tank.

HAMILTON, NY — As the current COVID-19 pandemic continues to shape Colgate’s intrinsically classist landscape, the Hamiltonian business owners are hoping to likewise adapt to what many on the hill like to call “the new normal,” which is to say, everyone is only pretending to wear masks at all times and parties just became that much more exclusive and awkward. One of the most notable changes to the layout of the Village is the (supposedly temporary) close of a first-year staple, a legendary beer hall, a New World Church: The Old Stone Jug. Many students approached the Rag for comment, such as sophomore Aya Donkare:

“I think it’s really weird you guys are writing this article like John Jug is some kind messiah, because frankly, the Jug is disgusting as fuck and I don’t know why anyone ever goes there. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen dead bodies at the bottom of that weird staircase behind the bar, and every time it gets too crowded, someone ends up passing me an empty Dasani water bottle full of fucking piss. Like, what the fuck is wrong with you guys? Aren’t you all graduating soon? Grow the fuck up.”

To say the least, the Jug has seen its fair share of unjust criticism from various Hamiltonian stakeholders; including the hockey team (aren’t you guys like 25?), the local police force, and “absolute fuckin’ losers,” according to local Blue Diamond Society member Snared Bosen, who came to the defense of the proud institution:

“Honestly, if you hate the Jug, you don’t deserve it. Maybe I like the coke that’s 80% drywall, and who the fuck are you to judge me? … To be honest, I’ve also made a killing on reselling these rich bitch Canada Goose jackets. Gets me a lot of drywall coke. So much.”

There stands to be a large hole in the Colgate community with the absence of one of the most mythical destinations in the continental United States, and with this hole comes a power vacuum with many vying for power over the Colgate social scene. The Rag will keep up-to-date on this story.